Farewell 2006

Today is the last day of 2006. All will be busy including me. Since Nanay is not in the house, I have to step up and do the decision-making and the prepping up for new year’s eve. Nothing much… still it’s work.

I dunno what you are up to. Don’t want to bombard you with text messages. I won’t be wasting my peso on you again because you won’t reply anyway.

We both have demons to face and battle with… so that’s just it. To each his own ways… for now.

I’ve always told you that if you’ll be needing my help just say so…

Hopefully 2007 will be a different one for both of us. Good things hopefully lie ahead for us next year.

Happy New Year… and take care…

… and you still remain nameless here.

Coming Back and Hoping

After tomorrow, 2007 is here. What shall I be in that year? Would I still be crazy in love with you or over you?

Crazy in love with you… or am I still in love with the concept of love?

I just came back last night from my “adventure”. The unplanned road trip for Zambales. I went there alone after giving up of dragging anyone I thought of. I planned not to tell you but what the heck, it was the same.

I really wanted to go to the beach before the year ends. I’ve been craving for it for the past weeks. I have such attraction to water. Well, Scorpios are water sign. Of all people, you should know that, being a Scorpio too.

Anyway, I was with you, Pancho, Eunice and that new guy in your office. I had spent the whole day with Frances*, an old friend and colleague of mine in my children’s Organization. She was suppose to accompany me for the beach trip but her boss is holding her neck. Too bad, she’s a beach lover too. I decided to drop by your office to see if I could extend a hand in Nick’s* event the next day. I was aware that you’re there and Eunice as well. Pancho warned me. He also told me that you guys seemed to have some plan of drinking after office and Pancho asked me if I’d like to join. He was out of the office but promised to follow wherever we are.

I have hesitations but still, I joined. Making Pancho sort of happy aftert he talk we had last night. I love that kid!

At first you guys were somehow “unsure”. Eunice had other plans BUT cancelled it learning the dinner and drinking is a go. You said you have previous engagement but decided to come too, learning I’ll be staying till 8pm? Or was it just my assumption? Whatever!

My plan of staying till 8 became 10. Pancho came in as fast as he could because I kept on texting him. Hahaha! Eat a little, but never drink nor smoke… tempted but controlled it. I am to go home and prepare my things for my Zambales trip the next day.

You were teasing me. I dunno if you are serious or not, that if I only asked you and we planned ahead you could have come with me? Was I dreaming? Anne knows that I have plans of following Joseph in Bicol and wanted to ask if you’d like to come with me? I hesitated to ask. And now… hmmm… I just hope next time IF I plan to getaway you’d say “yes”…

I came back from a satisfied adventure. I made it! I am proud of myself and texted you. Well, you texted first the night I reached the place. Something about you are happy that you are being consulted by the newbies on organizing the event. But you never replied after I texted you back. Sigh.

I made it, I’m back. I feel recharged. Hopefully I’d be a better person next year. Hopefully I get to control my temper. Hopefully I get to be selfish yet reasonable enough to be understood. Hopefully I’ll have my own life that I control next year…

Hopefully, if we won’t be together at least we’ll be the closest friends… best friends…

Hopefully…

Realization

I couldn’t help it. I had to talk to someone…

I called Pancho.

Told him everything… first guy, younger than us to learn about me being into you. Shit.

Let’s make this short and sweet… one thing struck me with all the things he said: I should NOT tell you. From a point of view of a man… situation will be awkward.

True enough.

My plan was that he’ll be somehow helping me know how you definitely feel for Eunice. Learning if you two are having some mutual understanding, then I will definitely ummm… be happy for you two? No, selfishly, I’d know my stand and will not pursue. Because Eunice is a person that “fights”, and I’m not the type.

Why?

Comes my next realization that Pancho and I share: Reputation. I came from me too, as he said it… I may not be the most beautiful or the sexiest woman you’d ever knew but I have a name to protect and will be keeping it that way for as long as I live. I may have the ideology of a “manang” or an old-fashion Filipina that won’t surprise anyone if I’d stay single till I die because of that ideology… but that’s how I believe I am and would be hard for me to change it. Because I wasn’t raised to be other than that.

But Pancho, backed off. He doesn’t want to be involved as I understand it. But his words stayed to me and realized a lot. I mean, thank God I talked to him or else I may have regretted something that is remorseful!

“Go with the flow. Don’t rush. There will always be someone for somebody… in due time.”

Sigh. If I could only argue with him on that statement… but… sigh.

Pancho, being young himself seemed to be wiser for his age. But there’s one thing I was kind of confused… one of his initial statements… something like “different perception” or something like that…

I like hugging this kid… gentle giant as he is. Like a little brother I never had ;)

Disoriented

I skipped blogging for more than 2 weeks. As proven, we try to forget bad things that happened and try to remember good things alone. Yes. I am still denying it, yet it’s been haunting me once in awhile what I learned a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps now is a right time to admit it and put it in writing.

I have lost my bearings more compared to just being struck and numb. It’s quite true now that there are things better left as a secret. I mean, we wanted to know ALL things right… but there are definitely things better be kept away from your knowledge.

How do I put all my thoughts into words?... Let’s go through it backwards.

Yesterday was Christmas… given up from you for not greeting me. Was it a sign that I should definitely back off? I was restless. I knew I was sleepy but I was unable to located Mr. Sandman for that matter. I was awaken by my SMS alert and there you were. Texting me… ”Huli man ang magaling… naihahabol din! Merry xmas!u” … I was really edgy few hours prior of you texting. I texted you back… no answer. Very typical of you. And looking at the “u”… perhaps you’re thoughts are having some freestyle or backstroke in the pool of beer or alcohol you texted.

Sigh.

I decided to tell you how I feel for you. I mean, admit that you are somehow “special”. But I have to find the right time… proper timing. I knew you have some other issues to deal with right now, like family matters and all that. It was 4 votes against 1. And it was Anne who objected. Her points were clear too. But considering I was OK without you before… what shall I lose now? I mean, I am not after taking what we have now to the next level. Well, that would be a bonus if I’m lucky enough that I am that special. But as Jose warned me, expect the WORST. Losing our friendship, or whatever we have now. But that I have to risk. Accept your react, maturely. But I have to prioritize the most it can do for myself. It’s about time I speak up… and have peace.

Why did it lead me to such decision? December 18, Monday… Intra’s Christmas Party at Music Match… approximately, half past 11pm. The whole Intra knew Eunice likes you. I need not elaborate it here. I will carry that scenario in the years left of my lifetime! Evidences in photographs are sooo clear. I cried. Tried to hide it but I definitely know now that you knew. Because you texted me…

That moment, I have no one to run to. I was tipsy… no! I AM drunk and emotionally unstable. I had to text Stephanie who was the most sane person that night. She’s not under any influence of alcohol nor was she smoking. That night was the start of my restlessness and confusion…

It’s hard to be always the “nice one” and the “entrusted one”. I always get to have the blow by blow accounts of her plans, her thoughts and action on you. I thought knowing was half the battle. But such knowledge, every inch and detail of it… kills me. These is one of those things that I WISH I just never knew… I really WISHED I can just go away unnoticed and be invisible.

I lost my thoughts… That how disoriented I am. I wish it would that easy with you… I could just easily lost you and my feelings for you… but it isn’t.

You used to be an inspiration. The source of that oddly smile stuck on my face. But now…

Is it that serious now that I am sooo affected by the events? Never felt such in any of my previous “inspirations”…

Is it really that… deep?

"Crying" It

My last week at work and I am still “lost” of what has happened a few days ago…

I still have to work but I am sooooo useless…

Christmas is sooo near, yet I feel… blank.

It’s a week of meeting up with friends, get-togethers, Christmas parties… dinners, etc… etc…

I have been to videoke or karaoke with different sets of friends. From client-friends to ex-officemates turned to friends… but all the same, I DON’T sing. I munch in the food, drink the beers I can induce and smoke till my lungs give up.

But last night was different.

I am with my Batibot ladies… had dinner and of course, karaoke should never be off our list. I have been out of touch from these two ladies but when we see each other, it still the same. We giggle. We laugh. We talk. But it’s not just me who noticed that I AM different. Different in a that I actually SING.

Yes! I sang till my larynx or whatever part of that throat is about to break. I sang like I was the only one in that room. I felt no shame. I am not shy. I just feel like singing. I proudly grabbed the songbook and search for familiar songs… then punched the numbers.

I practically sang…

I SANG….

Not 1 song, not 2 or 3… not just 10 I suppose…

I felt satisfied singing last night. I feel happy. And my friends felt it too. They were happy. They said that I finally “let go”… I was confused with their term. But they said, I am finally enjoying it… TOTALLY enjoying karaoke. That sounded good too… felt somehow alive. It’s like, something or someone just came out of me!

I just sang my heart out… and it felt good. F*ckingly good.

Sessions

I had to say I am happy that we had dinner along with your old officemates and friends last night. Anne was there of course. Texted her when I realized I'm the only one not really part of the group. I mean, the fear of being out of place and that awkward moment... she just told me, as usual... I am overacting!

You got your gift earlier than I expected. Since the ladies had theirs, why wait for Monday during your office's Christmas party to have yours. You and the ladies are quite anxious to open the packages. Good thing no one pursued doing it or else, I'll be caught that I favored you more.

But isn't it obvious?

From 7pm to 2am we were together. Recalling what we were talking about last night, makes me smile oddly. There are "hot seats" at the time. Questions came up ONLY at moments when people get some alcohol into their system. With that thought now, I decided that I'd better keep all of it to myself rather than write it down here. In the first place, we are all drunk last night. It can easily be denied or ignored anyhow. I don't know if Anne is trying to push me to speak up but I know it's not the right time.

The ladies decided to have a little shot of caffeine before we all call it a night. I thought you were coming. But you just said you're tired and needs to rest. You usually stay with me for a little more chat over coffee. You knew I don't want you to go but still... perhaps you knew I'll be fine since I still have company.

I know you had a previous engagement. I think it's a Christmas party of an org of yours. I heard you talking to someone on your mobile last night. You made an excuse for not joining them. Thanks for staying. Really appreciate it Ü

With my recent issue now, one thing's clear... (with 2 witnesses with me) Eunice is not your type.

Distracted

Eunice just called up. Telling me she and the other girls in your office are with you. Somewhere between your office and the warehouse.

She's obviously kilig about it. She'll make you drive her car. Told her why do that... her answer: because she'll get distracted.

She's making the moves...

It's killing me.

I am jealous.

–––––

A party was hosted by your boss last Wednesday in celebration of their anniversary and to share his happiness and news about his trip to Indonesia. Some got promoted, some got an increase... plans are exposed. Many got drunk.

Hard, beer, Sprite... booze is all over the room.

I left you along with the other people with her. Someone's making some move (jokingly or seriously, I don't care!) at her. He's a colleague of yours. She doesn't like him or the idea of the dancing and teasing. The next day, she YM-ed and texted me... she caught you looking at her and she thinks you're making the moves.

Now... I am here... and I have to pretend that all is OK.

OK... darn! Who's O-K?

Direct Hit

I knew I'm right... I am f*cking right!

It's you and not Pancho that Eunice admires!

Darn!

This is one of those situations that I wish I'm NOT right!!!

I am having mixed emotions about it... I am affected. Denying it to Marie and Anne. I am acting OA again. But I just dunno what. I am jealous perhaps. And I feel awfully stupid as well :(

I am jealous of everyone... on everything!

Sigh.

O-A.

Why does it have to be you? You that I like... you that she likes...
Why does it have to be me? That she has to share it with... and keep it all to myself.

I have to pretend all is ok even though it's not. That all is fine and dainty.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think straight. I feel useless.

Wallflower... f*cking wallflower. Or a shadow.

Ouch.

Fans Club?

Here I am again...

Sigh.

Perhaps I am wearing an invisible signage on top of my head saying, "Psychologist: FREE Consulation" or "Confidant" or "Secret Keeper"...

At times I see it as an advantage... but right now, it isn't! I wish I never knew...

Eunice*, a co-worker of yours seemed to be opening up to me. And I have a very strong feeling of what she's about to share with me.

I wish my hunch is wrong... VERY wrong.

She's nice and all. My first impression of her was a big mistake. I thought she's a brat or suplada (snob). It's all the opposite as I see and get to know her more. And she isn't a model-type pretty but she carries herself well... even as she's a single mom.

A single mom... I wanted to be a mom too.

Caught Off Guard

It’s Saturday. And I’m still at Joseph’s house. Everyone here are quite busy. I think they’ll be going out for a mall show for the kids.

Had my breakfast with them. Lazy as I am on weekends, still I dragged myself up. I knew I still have a few errands to do and confirm an external project to fund my “holiday” expenses.

Guess by this time you are still sleeping. You said you are attending a stag party in this place known for beer and women that grant “wishes”. I, too have a date with my VBF for a chat and dinner. Told you if you’d like you can drop by after. You politely said you’ll try but you haven’t seen these guys for quite sometime but you’ll try. Told you to just drop me an SMS if your coming.

Politely you declined. Yes, I do read between the lines.

Let’s review… who knew that I do really like you: Peaches, Jose (of course), Riza, Anne and Rai. Though Joseph and Stephanie seemed to be sensing something… they’re starting to tease me *blushing*

Of course, I mentioned you again (and again) over dinner with my VBF. I told him I told Rai about my feelings for you and that I like you. You’ve met him/her before. My transvestite friend. He disapproved of you :( He said they better men out there for me, yada… yada… yada…

I knew this was coming.

And Jose agrees.

WHAT? This I didn’t see coming.

I thought…

I dwelled on this. He said there was something about you… and then tells me on getting ready, etc. etc… disappointments…

Well, one, I knew (but still had to accept FULLY) that you won’t be mine, MINE. That this letters I am doing are just for me to release my feelings. And secondly, I’m used to being disappointed in the end… and…

Oh…

Now, I remember. So that’s why Jose is pushing me to tell you straight up! To get it done and over with. Same thought with Anne and Peaches. But the girls, they understand the risk and how hard it would be. But…

Darn it!

I wasn’t able to defend you. Jose asked, to tell him an incident that you are to be trusted. There were lots of it… the time you are to resign, the time I hated Mai* for ruining our birthday celebration, the time I was to resign, our talks over coffee… you have this “skill” of making people speak up and me as one of them to open up and I think you are opening up somehow…

I was struck and numbed… now, I had to question myself? Is it worth it?

Shaved and Naked?

I was still hyper despite the fact that I haven’t sleep yet. Happy that I am, I YM-ed each and everyone I saw in my list specially those who stayed with us. Sharing my kakulitan and all. Then I heard the news…

You’re now bald.

WHAT?!?

It was Pancho* who told me. I didn’t believe him at first. Because at 4AM, when we were all saying goodbyes, you still have hair! I even touched it before that. Complimenting that it’s nice and long. I even remember telling you way, way back then to cut your hair. Brave enough to comment that you look nice with your old short hair. But you replied to mind your own business, well, I wish it was a joke. But I was just being honest… perhaps too honest.

I remember you, the first time we met… you were wearing a baseball cap, seemed harassed for that event you were organizing… short, nicely clean-cut hair was peeked under the cap. After that, I never thought our paths will cross again. Until now…

Sigh…

I dunno what term is right… shaven, bald, hairless…… whatever!

I am shocked, no! Happy… no! Surprised… I really don’t know how and what I am feeling. I got used to seeing you in ponytail. I got used to greeting you and then stroking that tied, pulled back hair of yours. Am I assuming that you listened to me? I really don’t know.

I had to confirm from another person in your office. Peaches! Yes, Peaches! I was talking to her too. She knew. She’d be honest. And she confirmed. And I YM-ed you… you were still joking around. And asked you why, you just said lately you’ve becoming hot-headed and all. Ummm… I answered “literally and figuratively speaking?” You acknowledged with a wink. I demanded to see you over webcam.

And there you are, long-hair gone.

Unavoidable Truth

Staying away from you is really a HARD thing to do. Besides, there will always be at least a day in a week than our paths will cross…

Might as well embrace the truth that you will be that person for me until someone (if not really you) will be the one to fill the “gap”.

–––––

I just came from a short nap. Hoping to regain lack of sleep due to staying in your office till 4AM in preparing some marketing material for one of your products, a few hours that I need to attend my college friends wedding AND host it with my VBF.

And I thought I wouldn’t survive 2 straight days? WOW!!! Both work and wedding was a blast!

Admit it… you stayed too… helped out and my heart is thankful and “personally” glad you stayed. ‘Nuff explanation. Isn’t it too obvious? But really, both events turned out well. So hyper sharing to my other colleagues what they missed out, how we worked and how I got myself 2 pairs of shoes a few hours before the wedding.

The wedding turned out very well. Though my feet still feel sore until now, I didn’t feel ashamed of what I am wearing, in hosting and just being there. I felt happy for the couple. You can see that in our other friends’ faces too. The love and the wedding is really authentic. Love there is not fabricated…

Weird thing is, I thought of you there in the midst of somehow a reunion with our friends in college we’ve never seen since after graduation.

I did wish you were there, with me. I wonder how you feel about weddings?

For the first time, I hosted. For the first time, I am excited to join the ladies in the catching of bouquet. For the first time, I had this longing of getting married (well, this one occurred for perhaps 5 mins!). For the first time, I am not shamed of what people thought of me (and stared at me) when I removed my heeled-pointed shoes and take note… walked around! ;)

It’s an accomplishment for me :)

Tired, yet I don’t mind. I felt light, good and happy! It’s just this f*cking sore-numb feet are torturing me!