Monologues of a Hopeless Romantic and Fearful Soul

End

2007-07-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

The story should conclude here. Or should I say, it’s just a chapter?

They said that parting has always been such sweet sorrow, I don’t exactly recall if it was. I remember saying in one entry here before that I am to end talking to you here. But our paths still cross and I still have feelings for you.

I think I still do hold that thought. I will never take the credit off you on the times I almost gave up and that you’re the first person I think of running to. Or when I am happy, I’d like to share my joys with you. Togetherness and rejection seemed to be long-lost twins that I seemed to reconnect every time I remember you now.

You’ll be one of those men that will haunt me. Take the credit, I considered you a ‘man’.

So, this is it. When they said that don’t say goodbye, I am not saying it to you. As much as I wanted to, I’m sure we are still to see each other, and avoiding you will just hurt me more and haunt me more. Let’s just say I am ending me foolishness on you. Kill the hopes that you will like me the way I like you. Care for me as much I am concern and cares for you. My idiocy had to stop. For my sake.

I’ll see you around. Most likely every Tuesday or whatever day we will go visit and present in your office. We’ll still greet each other, give each other’s a peck on the cheek for “hellos” and “goodbyes”. I might be less to join your group’s get-together or the planned outings. I will miss Anne and Tina. I will miss you too, of course but this has to end.

Thank you, “Yan-Yan”.

Affected

2007-07-25T23:33:00.000-07:00

I have postponed entering this event that really is bothering me again. Do you really have such ideology or habit to make ladies jealous by inviting and flirting to another lady and worst when they are friends?

If you have forgotten that I was sitting at the back seat and then you flirt with Stephanie.

Wow.

Then you tell me I’m “masungit”.

If we are not that desperate that night to get out of that mall, I wouldn’t suggest to Stephanie to contact you and ask for that favor to fetch us.

We should really stay FAR apart. You really felt you are different ever since you got your own car, you got your own place and you don’t talk to me anymore unless nobody’s talking to you in the office. You only remember me when you need something.

I am always the last resort.

It really hurts me so bad.

Upset

2007-07-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

I can’t think straight.

Yes. Until now, I thought I am to stop blogging here. I thought not being “concern” about you and avoiding you would help me move on.

I thought I’m ok now… that I’m over you.

Until you are in that company and that company is our client, our paths will surely cross.

Why would you announce to the world that you’re to bring Stephanie home. Half the world know that I like you. I was there. And with that squinted eyes, I feel and I know you are checking my reaction.

Are you intentionally annoying me? Making me jealous? Because for all it’s worth… I am.

Then I later found out, you asked her out for the Transformers movie.

I am affected.

Exhaling...

2007-07-03T09:15:00.000-07:00

I had to drop off a mock up for one company in your office this morning. I decided to make it earlier to really avoid you. Unfortunately, you were early too. You caught me by the guard.

As always, you ask what am I doing there with a morning greeting and the peck on the cheek. The usual greeting.

Or was it your usual "'Musta?" (How are you?)

I'm not sure... I was lost the moment you entered the gate...

No word, no SMS or even YM from you and with my pledge of not to have any personal business with you for almost 2 weeks now... and this happens.

Undeniably, my heart still bleeds...

Ouch.

Let Me Be

2007-06-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

Absences makes the heart go founder…

Could that be true? I guess. It was for me, to you waaaaayyyy back then. Thank God I am too busy to think of it or of you these days plus your office creates issues (again) against my team.

Honestly, my doubts to you seemed to spread like a disease these days. I can’t help and defend you from it… you are part of that office setup.

I don’t YM you nor SMS you. I gave up asking you for a cup of coffee or if you’d like to join me for dinner. I don’t ever consider ANY of our going out a date. Just to clear things out. You treated me once, I treated you more often just to say how grateful I am and I believe it's a way of returning back the favor of eating your time and listening to my rants and raves.

It is unavoidable not to see you at least once a week. As mentioned before, you’re part of the client’s office we are serving. Tension is created between that office and my team. Lesser get together after office and if no more beso greetings, its lessen.

I avoided greeting you and even eye contacts with you as much as possible.

Weird as it may seem. It’s a way for me to move on.

Then you SMS me. Asking for my teammate's number. Are you making me jealous again? Well, it doesn’t work anymore.

And then, you YM-ed me, asking if our phone line is down… and concern if we (the team) are down with some virus.

There was very little “kilig” and more of “inis”… am I always the keeper when all are down or unable to reach?

I am tired of being the third wheel!

I still expect from you... and yet I am the one getting hurt.

If you miss me or want to have a cup of coffee or something, just say so. I know, you have a car now... I have to admit that I felt bad when I was the last to know that you already accomplished one of your goals. I'm just disappointed that you never offered me a lift when I was a little drunk from that "salubong" we did for our friend's birthday.

Let me be... don't talk to me if you must but don't let me catch you glancing at me and yet you don't speak up.

Ranting...

2007-06-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

I am staring in my computer screen… with a smoke in my other hand. My second stick. I still have sooo much in mind to tell you and yet, I can’t transcribe it into words.

Questions I’ve been asking before again and again and again… why do I always [try to] run to you?

We are being ridicule again. Not me directly but my team. And it is not alien to you.

I am affected. I should care anymore. I should even think of you as an “enemy” for you are part of the other side. But still here I am talking to you in a blog that you never really read or even know existed.

I tried to run to your rescue. Rescue in the sense of not directly solving the problem. I just want to vent, let it out… and just be with you? As if it would remove all this anger in me.

As if… well… temporarily.

It’s the same old litany. And I am sick and tired… perhaps you too…

Third stick…

… that’s why you are making excuses?

Here I go again. Being suspicious and all… but still I chase after you in the hopes that we can still go out like before?

I am such a fool.

You Did What…?

2007-06-13T22:45:00.000-07:00

You just winked!

Not just now but the past meetings we had after that YM conversation with you…

I’m denying it back then, thinking I might be hallucinating or overacting, but for the 3rd time? My goodness…

Eiw!

I was grossed out instead of getting, how do you call that? That nice shivers… 'yung kilig factor... basta…

What is the matter with you? Are you tripping out?! Please not on me naman.

I Speak, Don't Take It Against Me

2007-06-08T02:08:00.000-07:00

I am in no regrets on what I said in out YM conversation. I am still stand for our friend, myself and my team. We should not be treated that way. We deserve the respect we earn. Yes, you are right. We can not please everyone... but we have been playing along on someone's favor. I guess it's about time we make some changes... we make a stand.

You will not favor what i think, I've said and the upcoming moves and decision. It's our choice... my choice as well. I never speak of anyone else. I feel bad when you said that to me. I thought you knew me. I thought I knew you already. I was wrong.

With all respect, I thank you for your extra effort in going to their house to ask, to know and hear it than base on what others say or hear. My team and I are grateful for that.

Expect perhaps more wars that are cowardly brought up behind our backs...
Expect changes... drastic changes that will trigger more battles...
Expect me to be colder to everyone... even you.

Well, you won't notice it. It may be for your advantage.

Choices

2007-06-05T23:45:00.000-07:00

Again, bumpy rides seemed to occur on unwarned instances.

A common friend of ours really called me tanga for letting myself get into that deep affection to you despite the fact that I won't be getting anything from you. But we're good. I understand her and she's a concern friend.

My book project... well, I lost interest. Some people really don't understand and they are just inconsiderate. I am dragging my ass in finishing it. But the excitement and passion for it died.

My old phone is missing... some generous amount of money from my mom's wallet is missing too when I left it in my room.

Am I careless? God forbid I am losing my mind :(

And now, most of your people is treating our friend, my boss and my team like machines AGAIN for the nth time. the directive is not on me but of course it affects everyone in my team. You've been int he same scenario too... almost... but still it's not right. It was never right.

You had a feeling that something is wrong. You YM-ed me few days back, you greeted first yesterday... and you invited us for a drink. I've been making choices... good or bad... tonight options were laid out in front of me...

I chose to be with my team than to be with you.

Out of the System

2007-05-22T00:28:00.000-07:00

They said that one should take the chance s/he is drunk in speaking out or professing the truth. So they can have the famous excuse... "Blame it on the booze!".

We all got drunk somehow a few hours ago. It's proven that it better when you don't plan at all that things would just happen. And I guess it did tonight...

I just told you I kinda like you...

Perhaps it's even underestimated because of the word "kinda".

I'm not drunk when I typed every word of it... but I will admit that I am shaking before and even after telling the truth. I had the door of opportunity opened once more when you asked, why am I affected so much of the situation. I had to grab it now or forever hold my peace...

Somehow your reaction is as I expected it. I had to thank you that it isn't the worst scenario that I imagine you'd be responding at it. I find it sort of cowardly saying it to you over YM. But I don't think I'd have the courage to tell you personally. All that matters now is that I finally said it and that you knew now. You are still the person I knew you are, the very same reason perhaps why I liked you. Thanks for being cool about it. you even sort of joked about it, but I won't take it against you. You said I was too serious. Well, I am from the start. Yet you made me crack in every moment that I can recall of.

It's out. I said it. It's done and over with. Time to move on... hopefully.

And yet, I still felt that I am on the losing end. Again, as I've stated in my previous entry... she might have been gone (almost) but I knew she took something. She did.

She almost had you... she did had you.

I've said it. I've professed if you may say so.

It's over.

A couple of double stuffed Oreo (actually, I've finished almost half of the pack already) dunked in a cup of cold milk is all I have with me... right now.

Doubtful

2007-05-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

We've been both busy. I thank God for that. I am too busy to think about you and how I miss you. But when I stop and take a break, thought of you floods me.

I am still not over you, that's for sure.

We've talked about Eunice. I am still doubtful of what really happened between you and her. And it's undeniable that anyone who hears about either of you will definitely associate the other. last night, I found out that she was forced to resign till the end of the month. She counteract it by resigning immediately, effective by next week. I texted you immediately to ask if you knew about it.

True enough, you knew. She told you... YM-ed you as you told me. Though unlike anyone I knew that seeked advise from you on such cases, you share your profoundness. You told me this time you didn't because you're not drunk.

She still told you. Of all other people your office, she still told you.

You said there was no closure between you, nor any decent talk about what became the two of you, up until now. Will you be asking her for a talk before she finally leaves?

I am still jealous. Even though all knew she already has someone. I don't know why I am still feeling this way. And I won't deny it either... that I am glad she'd be gone in a few days. The bitch in me is smiling and has tasted revenge in a way. But apart of me thought of you too. That's why I texted you immediately. To check if you knew.

It's not worth it... my friends told me, and I'm telling myself as well. And yet, here I am blogging... talking to you as if you'd be reading this.

Why do I feel that I am the winner and yet I feel I am still a loser? She’s leaving but I have a feeling she’s to take something with her…

What really happened between you two? Was there really a bracelet? Why did you give something to her if she’s just a girl and not that special? Why would anyone bother to waste time on someone who is just… there?

I still can’t accept your reasoning that “there isn’t anyone else” or “it’s just nothing… it so happened she’s there”…

Why can’t you just tell me the truth… so I’d finally end whatever this is and move on?!

Please…

Intervention

2007-05-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

Such word has been used much lately. From the bet I made with my colleagues to now the canceled flight that we're suppose to take.

As of this morning, when all my stuff and the stocks we're suppose to bring are pack since yesterday morning, we all received an email from you boss canceling the trip due to the risk that the next team might encounter.

I was partly relieved and honestly, part of me too was disappointed. But to what reason I am disappointed? I can't exactly determine :(

Was it the fact that I lost a chance to be in a place I only see in pictures and heard from friends who've been there?

Or was it the chance that we could be together in a foreign land where you've been too? The place where you were, when I realized... oh... just nevermind...

I guess God made a way to lessen a much disappointment that I will be dealing with if the trip was pursued and just a trip... no moments between us...

Perhaps that was it...

Kick off

2007-05-04T21:45:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I spilled my guts out here because of you. I guess we are both busy with work. Between my last entry and now, we had exchanged few more text messages, YM-ed each other and met a couple of times for dinner and some booze. But still the idea that you are dropping on me that we are better off as friends wasn't absorb by my system come until our last dinner.

I think you got angry on me or something. For insisting perhaps that you and Eunice had some "moments" based from the stories she's divulging to everyone. I don't believe her from the perception of how I knew you. But I was bothered. I don't know of that perception of you is just what I want you to be and I just made it up. Plus the idea that since you guys are being teased, i tried to go away... well, most of the time.

I am sorry if I've maddened you. I felt it when you said you had to go. But I appreciated it when you joined me when you said you had somewhere to go to later that night. Perhaps with your reaction there was my wake up call. Since then, I really, REALLY lessen my kakulitan to you. Lesser text messages, lesser YM. Work and personal projects made me busy too. Those helped me by keeping my hands and mind occupied. Made me think less of you.

Perhaps through I should let you know that I kind of made closure to Eunice. Well, in some way. I had to be nice to her because of work but doing that it was somehow gave me some peace. There might be times that I still find her a fake and an opportunist (but most of the time still a duh). But I am nice to her in a very limited manner. She might have moved on to her advantage by having the guy for her. I just wish it would be the same for us too.

It feels like longer than just weeks since we last spoke to each other. Yesterday, I wasn't able to resist greeting you and giving you a beso when we were in your office. Specially that I found out that we are flying together for Thailand on Sunday.

God perhaps is testing me. Through our common friends that are teasing me and the flight we are to take. I made a bet, that if you for God's will and with no human intervention took or at least was given the seat beside me, I will treat the group when I get back. For as far as I know you, you will ask to be seated next to Myles for some discussion and brainstorming.

I am having mixed emotions now. For the trip, what's install for us, both personal and the business purpose of that trip... and what's waiting for me there in Thailand for the few hours that I am to stay there.

God might have been intervening lately. Aside from the workloads HE has given me, I met a new guy that seemed to be a good prospect. Though there wasn't any follow through and found some complications, at least I have other diversions as well.

Am I indeed moving on? I hope so. I hope this month will be the start of me getting on my footing and moving to the direction that favors me, that path where there is some happiness install for me.

And So It Happens...

Together... as friends or beyond that?

2007-02-25T01:28:00.000-08:00

Despite the fact that I have (or rather SHOULD HAVE) accepted that we are but "friends", I can't deny that I would always prefer to be with you. Well, my friends are for sure irritated that there isn't a day that I wouldn't mention your name. And in our office, it seemed that everyone knows that it's you that I am "fond" of and they make it a joke every time mention Eunice as your girlfriend. It's just a sign that i haven't found another man. God forbides that the next man wont be named like yours!

I am still dreaming of the time that you will be choosing me. Well, that's for a fact that I am a hopeless romantic that's why there as times I still "dream" of romantic situations. But I always wake myself up on the reality side... that (for now, perhaps) we can only be friends.

You said it yourself... it's better to have female friends for now. You have plans. You have personal deadlines. You share them to me somehow. I am thankful for that. Thankful that you consider me as a friend.

I think you knew me well enough. Or even better than I know myself. Perhaps I like you because I see myself in you (or what I wanted myself to be) and of course the ideal man... well, I think you are an ideal man... I think I've mentioned points in my previous letters to you.

I'm just happy whenever I am with you. Recently, we met up and hang out. There's still some "dead" air at times. We both knew that something is running in each heads. I honestly could ask you that question or even tell you how I really feel about you. I know you know. It's just that... it might give me peace if you knew, from me? But there might be a chance that I will be loosing you... these unplanned meetings, these hangouts...

For the 2nd time (and chance) I tried to clear from your end about Eunice. It's much clearer now. But there's still some unexplained situations and actions. I tried to understand it from your perception but I couldn't. I guess, I am that jealous. And I profess my jealousy as a joke to you.

All jokes are half-meant, by the way...

Thank you for always being there for me. For always being the "troubleshooter". Whoever the girl you'll be choosing would be such a lucky one. I just wish you deserve her and she won't be of any high maintenance or would give you trouble. You have enough problems to deal with.

I don't know if I am exaggerating or imagining it. But be it a dream, imagination or simply an aspiration... the hugs, the hand squeeze and those pecks...

If it wouldn't be you, I pray that God would just remove you from my memory. Let there be a new man who deserves me more than you or let me just wake up and the feeling is gone...

...that we are just friends... real friends.

Disposition

2007-02-14T10:27:00.000-08:00

My female friend, who's single too yet much adventurous than me just sent me this message over SMS...

"Do you know that place between sleep & awake? That place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, that's where I'll be waiting..."

Tinkerbell said that to Peter Pan in the movie...

... perhaps it applies to me... to you...

I still can't let you go despite all that I am hearing, learning... and I am suffering.

Why am I still holding on when I have no assurance of gaining anything?

Mixed Emotions

2007-02-14T00:05:00.000-08:00

I should have just shout my mouth... or rather, didn't bother asking you over SMS.

I am hurt as always... or was I?

I really don't know how I am feeling now or for tomorrow or the next coming days.

"Your mind doesn't said so?"
"You are not together but you're giving her the effort and attention?"

What the f...?!?

Hoping

2007-02-10T01:31:00.000-08:00

Talking to Ernie made me realize a reason why I liked you more than any other men as of the moment…

You might be boastful at times, but it’s how you talk to me and talk me out of my over reacting situations that perhaps made me not get over you. That is definitely what I am missing right now. The time that we spent just talking… and lately, we are busy with work… and you with the girl that I am still trying to understand why you’re spending time with her when you tell me she isn’t your time and you don’t even like her face?

Still after that recent conversation we had… after I have told you how I despise the Eunice… how after we said goodbye, took a cab and texted everyone who’s so concern that it isn’t worth it… I’m still here, with hope that you’ll be mine or at least talk to me again last night after Pancho’s despedida party.

If I did tell you how I am feeling and being this gaga over you, will I get the peace of mine I deserve and definitely move on?

I need to be assured… but how?

All has always been a risk.

Denial

2007-02-06T23:08:00.001-08:00

Why can’t I let you go? I have told myself over and over again––we can’t be together. No “we”. But you-me separately.

Most of my friends have been telling me that also.

Move on.
Let him go.
He isn’t good for you.
You deserve better than him.
He isn’t worth it.

My VBF hated you so much. Still defending you which makes him hated you much more. It isn’t your fault. It unfair that he judged you that quick when you have no idea why you are being hated.

You are out of this craziness I am in.

Craziness… why am I that into you? WHY? Have I really fallen in love with you?

I have to cut off everything that connects to you. I shouldn’t be concern if you are ok or where the hell you will be in the next 5 minutes. I shouldn’t be affected if you and the girl are together or if she makes you her personal driver.

Just awhile ago, I wanted to text you. I had to restrain myself. We just saw each other in your office a few hours ago. I even avoided kissing you like the usual greeting that we do before. But when I was about to go, our paths crossed and there…

And I live a few steps away from your office… literally.

I miss you so much.

I pretend that I am ok but I am forcing myself to move on and look away. Ignoring you seemed not to work. You knew… why can’t you just open it up and ask me? Ask me, then I will answer… hopefully.

How can I move on? My VBF is right… I really can’t get over you.

Self-preservation

2007-02-01T02:56:00.000-08:00

Fucked up and confused, I still continue working and living of course. Tried hard even if it looks like a "routinary" life... I look forward and move on.

Moving on... does it mean closure?

We finally met up and talked personally. I still have not courage of professing the feelings I have for you but I know you know. We've been honest to each other as far as I know but I just can't spill the beans why I am hating Eunice personally and professionally. I came to see you not to confront but to comfort myself. I missed talking to you, being with you on "just nothing" occasions. I felt that she has taken you away from me. You know I am jealous. I may be joking it over our IM messages... all jokes are half-meant.

Now, we met up when she's out of the country...

I asked you over YM, over the phone and now upfront... if you're together. You said NO and have no plans of getting committed. I am confused that if you're not and have no plans to then why waste your time and energy?

There's no one else.

Huh?

Quite long conversation... you knew I hated her. From her acting as damsel in distress, from treating you as her driver (which you are letting him) and her work attitude. (I hate her most on the latter one) When I asked again if you like her you said "Ok lang"... such an overused word.

I have this mixed feelings that I understood you. But a part of me is still confused. But then again, you're a man and you are you somehow. I just wanted you to be careful and made you wonder why I am that concern? It's was the door that may be my chance to speak up... All was able to say was that I'm your friend, that's why.

I am such a loser...

Why am I having this reaction when at times I wanted to tell you how much I... sigh.

Thinking it over, it's the same reason as yours. one shouldn't make hasty decisions for it may be regretted later on. On my case, it will definitely affect my reputation and may trickle down to my work and my team. It was clear to me that when I asked you that if it weren't for her boss who teased and did the "professing" on the night of the Christmas party, you won't be doing all those things for her... you nodded and said YES.

My friends, specially this really dear gay friend of mine was quite furious of what had happened. I can feel his wrath even we conversed over IM. He wanted me to "close" it. By spilling the beans. They seemed not to understand. I do endure the pain. They're concern too I know, but it isn't that easy. They're right, it is I who will solve this.

I just told them I am moving on... he didn't believe me.

I apologized and told them I won't be bothering them anyone about you and expect that I won't mention you in any way. Some agreed, some... well...

I'm just happy and somehow satisfied with the evening. A good end of the month and somehow a little hope or "brightness" on the coming months... well, on on "us" but on how I'll be looking at it...

Self-preservation: protection oneself from harm... naturally or artificially––simplifying it, it's basically for survival.

Colliding Pillars

2007-01-28T11:24:00.000-08:00

I am still enduring all the pain and anger. It consumes my energy and my time. I still can’t concentrate most of the time.

I miss talking to you. I miss having you around specially on these cases. I am looking for someone who would help me sort things out and straighten my thoughts.

I do indeed miss you.

I miss my friend.

I thought not telling you would save our friendship. But now I still had to avoid you and the girl. I hurts a lot. As much as I don’t want to be involved but it’s so hard to avoid seeing or even hearing things about you two.

I have to bear all the pain.

Restraining myself somehow succeeded in a couple of weeks. I am caught between work and personal feelings. I wish that the logical reasons are still powerful than the emotional one. But I am afraid that I won’t be sorting it out the “right” way. But one thing is for sure… I HATE her. Primarily because she’s putting my team in a bad light. I am seeing her real attitude. How she can be a player in all sorts of way. And secondly, of all people she’s with you.

It’s hard on me because you are my friend and you seemed not to see what we are seeing. I am caught in between… to tell you or not. Because you might be jaded by her already. And that you would take it against me. You’ll think I am jealous… yes I am. But I had to accept that you are with her and not with me. But…

Who would shed some light now?

I can’t even bear looking at you in fear that you might caught me because you see through me. You’ve seen me happy, mad and disappointed. I had to steal glances just to look at you. I know you were looking but I had to resist looking back.

Do you feel guilty? I don’t know. If you were, I wish just for once… you initiate the invitation. I want to talk. But I don’t want it to be coming from me… again.

Keeping It Steady

2007-01-25T11:05:00.000-08:00

It's 3AM.

Went to the gym.

I had my nap hoping to recharge a bit.

And here I am staring at my monitor.

Yesterday was shaky, the other day was worse. It was work... or was I taking the situation and certain people "personally"? As far as I know, some people "close" to you are really unreasonable and I'm sorry (for using the term) plain stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

STUPID.

If there was an instance in your life you said, that "emotionally unstable" stage of yours, that time I remember you telling me that even a woman will not be spared from your wrath. Yesterday, I know I am capable to kill.

I wasn't joking when I texted you.

I hated when you seemed playing me around on SMS. It gives me that impression that you are NOT paying attention nor taking me seriously.

I am NOT her. Take note of that.

I miss you for all of what you are doing... and despite of what she is doing... in spite of what's happening.

I miss talking to you... and you know that. I miss you as a friend... my friend.

Someone has to keep me AWAY from her or anyone in relation to her (even you*). I may speak of something or worst, do something I might regret doing for the rest of my life. I have never been in this rage as far as I know. And I don't know to what extend I am capable of doing harm to others.

For all you know I may have the ability to raise hell on earth.

...

... and I am dead serious about it.

(*one of those last persons I don't want to be hurt or know being hurt)

Hello and Goodbye

2007-01-14T09:16:00.000-08:00

My first letter and entry for the year... and you read it right from the title. I am saying goodbye...

After much thought and talks to my dear friends... it came to me tonight that my suffering has to end NOW. I have assumed to much and created my own fairy tale with the hopes that you ARE my knight in shining armor that would take me by your arms kind of thing...

But from the start I am not a princess sleeping that awaits your kiss, nor a trapped one waiting for your rescue. And not even a damsel in distress. I am an independent woman, plain and simple. Might be mudded at times but still I grew up cleaning my own mess.

The time knowing you was perhaps really heavenly. I’m glad it happened. And hoping it would preserve that way. So I had to stop before it became tainted with jealousy and envy.

Most are aware of Eunice... I know you are aware of how special you are to me. Perhaps, despite what you claim that she’s not your type, and that perhaps you are being nice, I can’t help it but think that you do with all the gestures you are doing for her.

Knowledge they say is power. But knowing what is happening between you two, weakens me inside... killing me. That’s why I am doing this. I have to save myself.

I may sound giving you up. But come to think of it, did I have you in the first place? I thought hanging there inducing all the pain may pay off. But the suffering isn’t worth it. Yes! I just said it and admitted it...

It’s NOT worth it.

I have a life before you came. Boring as it was, I’d rather go back to it than be miserable in the hopes of nothingness. I thought it would be brighter and lovelier when you are with me. But fate has it’s way of toying me around though she also made me realize that dreaming and hoping is too much.

I hated Eunice for expecting too much from you. She should have enjoyed every moment you spend with her because that could have been my time. I am hating her. I hated myself for being all so nice. But all has it’s limits. I will not be her bridge nor yours. I had to be selfish.

Perhaps I should thank her for coming in, as one of my dear friend told me. Because she was the instrument showing me that you are no different from just being a friend. From Jose, you are a jerk. But until now I am still defending you to them... that you are not what they think.

Maybe I did love you. Maybe I am still now. I don’t know really. All I know is that I like you more than a friend and that there was a time I wanted to take you in my arms and hug you till the world ends. Well, until now I still do. I’d be a hypocrite if I deny that I’d push you away if you come to me now... I’d be called stupid by my friends if I do that. But you won’t come to me, that’s for sure.

You were my inspiration then. The very reason for me having that stupid smile. And a good reason to get up, work and be online to chat with you. And with the hope that at the end of the day, we’ll see each other and have a beer or two. But that was then. Now it’s not.

True or not, you are just being nice. And to that, I thank you. You are still a gentleman, a man of your word, a dedicated employee, a responsible son and uncle... a reliable friend.

And those I want to keep.

Farewell 2006

2006-12-31T00:31:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of 2006. All will be busy including me. Since Nanay is not in the house, I have to step up and do the decision-making and the prepping up for new year’s eve. Nothing much… still it’s work.

I dunno what you are up to. Don’t want to bombard you with text messages. I won’t be wasting my peso on you again because you won’t reply anyway.

We both have demons to face and battle with… so that’s just it. To each his own ways… for now.

I’ve always told you that if you’ll be needing my help just say so…

Hopefully 2007 will be a different one for both of us. Good things hopefully lie ahead for us next year.

Happy New Year… and take care…

… and you still remain nameless here.

Coming Back and Hoping

2006-12-30T17:30:00.000-08:00

After tomorrow, 2007 is here. What shall I be in that year? Would I still be crazy in love with you or over you?

Crazy in love with you… or am I still in love with the concept of love?

I just came back last night from my “adventure”. The unplanned road trip for Zambales. I went there alone after giving up of dragging anyone I thought of. I planned not to tell you but what the heck, it was the same.

I really wanted to go to the beach before the year ends. I’ve been craving for it for the past weeks. I have such attraction to water. Well, Scorpios are water sign. Of all people, you should know that, being a Scorpio too.

Anyway, I was with you, Pancho, Eunice and that new guy in your office. I had spent the whole day with Frances*, an old friend and colleague of mine in my children’s Organization. She was suppose to accompany me for the beach trip but her boss is holding her neck. Too bad, she’s a beach lover too. I decided to drop by your office to see if I could extend a hand in Nick’s* event the next day. I was aware that you’re there and Eunice as well. Pancho warned me. He also told me that you guys seemed to have some plan of drinking after office and Pancho asked me if I’d like to join. He was out of the office but promised to follow wherever we are.

I have hesitations but still, I joined. Making Pancho sort of happy aftert he talk we had last night. I love that kid!

At first you guys were somehow “unsure”. Eunice had other plans BUT cancelled it learning the dinner and drinking is a go. You said you have previous engagement but decided to come too, learning I’ll be staying till 8pm? Or was it just my assumption? Whatever!

My plan of staying till 8 became 10. Pancho came in as fast as he could because I kept on texting him. Hahaha! Eat a little, but never drink nor smoke… tempted but controlled it. I am to go home and prepare my things for my Zambales trip the next day.

You were teasing me. I dunno if you are serious or not, that if I only asked you and we planned ahead you could have come with me? Was I dreaming? Anne knows that I have plans of following Joseph in Bicol and wanted to ask if you’d like to come with me? I hesitated to ask. And now… hmmm… I just hope next time IF I plan to getaway you’d say “yes”…

I came back from a satisfied adventure. I made it! I am proud of myself and texted you. Well, you texted first the night I reached the place. Something about you are happy that you are being consulted by the newbies on organizing the event. But you never replied after I texted you back. Sigh.

I made it, I’m back. I feel recharged. Hopefully I’d be a better person next year. Hopefully I get to control my temper. Hopefully I get to be selfish yet reasonable enough to be understood. Hopefully I’ll have my own life that I control next year…

Hopefully, if we won’t be together at least we’ll be the closest friends… best friends…

Hopefully…

Realization

2006-12-27T04:09:00.000-08:00

I couldn’t help it. I had to talk to someone…

I called Pancho.

Told him everything… first guy, younger than us to learn about me being into you. Shit.

Let’s make this short and sweet… one thing struck me with all the things he said: I should NOT tell you. From a point of view of a man… situation will be awkward.

True enough.

My plan was that he’ll be somehow helping me know how you definitely feel for Eunice. Learning if you two are having some mutual understanding, then I will definitely ummm… be happy for you two? No, selfishly, I’d know my stand and will not pursue. Because Eunice is a person that “fights”, and I’m not the type.

Why?

Comes my next realization that Pancho and I share: Reputation. I came from me too, as he said it… I may not be the most beautiful or the sexiest woman you’d ever knew but I have a name to protect and will be keeping it that way for as long as I live. I may have the ideology of a “manang” or an old-fashion Filipina that won’t surprise anyone if I’d stay single till I die because of that ideology… but that’s how I believe I am and would be hard for me to change it. Because I wasn’t raised to be other than that.

But Pancho, backed off. He doesn’t want to be involved as I understand it. But his words stayed to me and realized a lot. I mean, thank God I talked to him or else I may have regretted something that is remorseful!

“Go with the flow. Don’t rush. There will always be someone for somebody… in due time.”

Sigh. If I could only argue with him on that statement… but… sigh.

Pancho, being young himself seemed to be wiser for his age. But there’s one thing I was kind of confused… one of his initial statements… something like “different perception” or something like that…

I like hugging this kid… gentle giant as he is. Like a little brother I never had ;)

Disoriented

2006-12-26T09:30:00.000-08:00

I skipped blogging for more than 2 weeks. As proven, we try to forget bad things that happened and try to remember good things alone. Yes. I am still denying it, yet it’s been haunting me once in awhile what I learned a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps now is a right time to admit it and put it in writing.

I have lost my bearings more compared to just being struck and numb. It’s quite true now that there are things better left as a secret. I mean, we wanted to know ALL things right… but there are definitely things better be kept away from your knowledge.

How do I put all my thoughts into words?... Let’s go through it backwards.

Yesterday was Christmas… given up from you for not greeting me. Was it a sign that I should definitely back off? I was restless. I knew I was sleepy but I was unable to located Mr. Sandman for that matter. I was awaken by my SMS alert and there you were. Texting me… ”Huli man ang magaling… naihahabol din! Merry xmas!u” … I was really edgy few hours prior of you texting. I texted you back… no answer. Very typical of you. And looking at the “u”… perhaps you’re thoughts are having some freestyle or backstroke in the pool of beer or alcohol you texted.

Sigh.

I decided to tell you how I feel for you. I mean, admit that you are somehow “special”. But I have to find the right time… proper timing. I knew you have some other issues to deal with right now, like family matters and all that. It was 4 votes against 1. And it was Anne who objected. Her points were clear too. But considering I was OK without you before… what shall I lose now? I mean, I am not after taking what we have now to the next level. Well, that would be a bonus if I’m lucky enough that I am that special. But as Jose warned me, expect the WORST. Losing our friendship, or whatever we have now. But that I have to risk. Accept your react, maturely. But I have to prioritize the most it can do for myself. It’s about time I speak up… and have peace.

Why did it lead me to such decision? December 18, Monday… Intra’s Christmas Party at Music Match… approximately, half past 11pm. The whole Intra knew Eunice likes you. I need not elaborate it here. I will carry that scenario in the years left of my lifetime! Evidences in photographs are sooo clear. I cried. Tried to hide it but I definitely know now that you knew. Because you texted me…

That moment, I have no one to run to. I was tipsy… no! I AM drunk and emotionally unstable. I had to text Stephanie who was the most sane person that night. She’s not under any influence of alcohol nor was she smoking. That night was the start of my restlessness and confusion…

It’s hard to be always the “nice one” and the “entrusted one”. I always get to have the blow by blow accounts of her plans, her thoughts and action on you. I thought knowing was half the battle. But such knowledge, every inch and detail of it… kills me. These is one of those things that I WISH I just never knew… I really WISHED I can just go away unnoticed and be invisible.

I lost my thoughts… That how disoriented I am. I wish it would that easy with you… I could just easily lost you and my feelings for you… but it isn’t.

You used to be an inspiration. The source of that oddly smile stuck on my face. But now…

Is it that serious now that I am sooo affected by the events? Never felt such in any of my previous “inspirations”…

Is it really that… deep?

"Crying" It

2006-12-21T13:30:00.000-08:00

My last week at work and I am still “lost” of what has happened a few days ago…

I still have to work but I am sooooo useless…

Christmas is sooo near, yet I feel… blank.

It’s a week of meeting up with friends, get-togethers, Christmas parties… dinners, etc… etc…

I have been to videoke or karaoke with different sets of friends. From client-friends to ex-officemates turned to friends… but all the same, I DON’T sing. I munch in the food, drink the beers I can induce and smoke till my lungs give up.

But last night was different.

I am with my Batibot ladies… had dinner and of course, karaoke should never be off our list. I have been out of touch from these two ladies but when we see each other, it still the same. We giggle. We laugh. We talk. But it’s not just me who noticed that I AM different. Different in a that I actually SING.

Yes! I sang till my larynx or whatever part of that throat is about to break. I sang like I was the only one in that room. I felt no shame. I am not shy. I just feel like singing. I proudly grabbed the songbook and search for familiar songs… then punched the numbers.

I practically sang…

I SANG….

Not 1 song, not 2 or 3… not just 10 I suppose…

I felt satisfied singing last night. I feel happy. And my friends felt it too. They were happy. They said that I finally “let go”… I was confused with their term. But they said, I am finally enjoying it… TOTALLY enjoying karaoke. That sounded good too… felt somehow alive. It’s like, something or someone just came out of me!

I just sang my heart out… and it felt good. F*ckingly good.

Sessions

2006-12-16T13:30:00.000-08:00

I had to say I am happy that we had dinner along with your old officemates and friends last night. Anne was there of course. Texted her when I realized I'm the only one not really part of the group. I mean, the fear of being out of place and that awkward moment... she just told me, as usual... I am overacting!

You got your gift earlier than I expected. Since the ladies had theirs, why wait for Monday during your office's Christmas party to have yours. You and the ladies are quite anxious to open the packages. Good thing no one pursued doing it or else, I'll be caught that I favored you more.

But isn't it obvious?

From 7pm to 2am we were together. Recalling what we were talking about last night, makes me smile oddly. There are "hot seats" at the time. Questions came up ONLY at moments when people get some alcohol into their system. With that thought now, I decided that I'd better keep all of it to myself rather than write it down here. In the first place, we are all drunk last night. It can easily be denied or ignored anyhow. I don't know if Anne is trying to push me to speak up but I know it's not the right time.

The ladies decided to have a little shot of caffeine before we all call it a night. I thought you were coming. But you just said you're tired and needs to rest. You usually stay with me for a little more chat over coffee. You knew I don't want you to go but still... perhaps you knew I'll be fine since I still have company.

I know you had a previous engagement. I think it's a Christmas party of an org of yours. I heard you talking to someone on your mobile last night. You made an excuse for not joining them. Thanks for staying. Really appreciate it Ü

With my recent issue now, one thing's clear... (with 2 witnesses with me) Eunice is not your type.

Distracted

2006-12-14T18:21:00.000-08:00

Eunice just called up. Telling me she and the other girls in your office are with you. Somewhere between your office and the warehouse.

She's obviously kilig about it. She'll make you drive her car. Told her why do that... her answer: because she'll get distracted.

She's making the moves...

It's killing me.

I am jealous.

–––––

A party was hosted by your boss last Wednesday in celebration of their anniversary and to share his happiness and news about his trip to Indonesia. Some got promoted, some got an increase... plans are exposed. Many got drunk.

Hard, beer, Sprite... booze is all over the room.

I left you along with the other people with her. Someone's making some move (jokingly or seriously, I don't care!) at her. He's a colleague of yours. She doesn't like him or the idea of the dancing and teasing. The next day, she YM-ed and texted me... she caught you looking at her and she thinks you're making the moves.

Now... I am here... and I have to pretend that all is OK.

OK... darn! Who's O-K?

Direct Hit

2006-12-13T02:41:00.000-08:00

I knew I'm right... I am f*cking right!

It's you and not Pancho that Eunice admires!

Darn!

This is one of those situations that I wish I'm NOT right!!!

I am having mixed emotions about it... I am affected. Denying it to Marie and Anne. I am acting OA again. But I just dunno what. I am jealous perhaps. And I feel awfully stupid as well :(

I am jealous of everyone... on everything!

Sigh.

O-A.

Why does it have to be you? You that I like... you that she likes...
Why does it have to be me? That she has to share it with... and keep it all to myself.

I have to pretend all is ok even though it's not. That all is fine and dainty.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think straight. I feel useless.

Wallflower... f*cking wallflower. Or a shadow.

Ouch.

Fans Club?

2006-12-11T19:32:00.000-08:00

Here I am again...

Sigh.

Perhaps I am wearing an invisible signage on top of my head saying, "Psychologist: FREE Consulation" or "Confidant" or "Secret Keeper"...

At times I see it as an advantage... but right now, it isn't! I wish I never knew...

Eunice*, a co-worker of yours seemed to be opening up to me. And I have a very strong feeling of what she's about to share with me.

I wish my hunch is wrong... VERY wrong.

She's nice and all. My first impression of her was a big mistake. I thought she's a brat or suplada (snob). It's all the opposite as I see and get to know her more. And she isn't a model-type pretty but she carries herself well... even as she's a single mom.

A single mom... I wanted to be a mom too.

Caught Off Guard

2006-12-09T10:12:00.000-08:00

It’s Saturday. And I’m still at Joseph’s house. Everyone here are quite busy. I think they’ll be going out for a mall show for the kids.

Had my breakfast with them. Lazy as I am on weekends, still I dragged myself up. I knew I still have a few errands to do and confirm an external project to fund my “holiday” expenses.

Guess by this time you are still sleeping. You said you are attending a stag party in this place known for beer and women that grant “wishes”. I, too have a date with my VBF for a chat and dinner. Told you if you’d like you can drop by after. You politely said you’ll try but you haven’t seen these guys for quite sometime but you’ll try. Told you to just drop me an SMS if your coming.

Politely you declined. Yes, I do read between the lines.

Let’s review… who knew that I do really like you: Peaches, Jose (of course), Riza, Anne and Rai. Though Joseph and Stephanie seemed to be sensing something… they’re starting to tease me *blushing*

Of course, I mentioned you again (and again) over dinner with my VBF. I told him I told Rai about my feelings for you and that I like you. You’ve met him/her before. My transvestite friend. He disapproved of you :( He said they better men out there for me, yada… yada… yada…

I knew this was coming.

And Jose agrees.

WHAT? This I didn’t see coming.

I thought…

I dwelled on this. He said there was something about you… and then tells me on getting ready, etc. etc… disappointments…

Well, one, I knew (but still had to accept FULLY) that you won’t be mine, MINE. That this letters I am doing are just for me to release my feelings. And secondly, I’m used to being disappointed in the end… and…

Oh…

Now, I remember. So that’s why Jose is pushing me to tell you straight up! To get it done and over with. Same thought with Anne and Peaches. But the girls, they understand the risk and how hard it would be. But…

Darn it!

I wasn’t able to defend you. Jose asked, to tell him an incident that you are to be trusted. There were lots of it… the time you are to resign, the time I hated Mai* for ruining our birthday celebration, the time I was to resign, our talks over coffee… you have this “skill” of making people speak up and me as one of them to open up and I think you are opening up somehow…

I was struck and numbed… now, I had to question myself? Is it worth it?

Shaved and Naked?

2006-12-07T22:31:00.000-08:00

I was still hyper despite the fact that I haven’t sleep yet. Happy that I am, I YM-ed each and everyone I saw in my list specially those who stayed with us. Sharing my kakulitan and all. Then I heard the news…

You’re now bald.

WHAT?!?

It was Pancho* who told me. I didn’t believe him at first. Because at 4AM, when we were all saying goodbyes, you still have hair! I even touched it before that. Complimenting that it’s nice and long. I even remember telling you way, way back then to cut your hair. Brave enough to comment that you look nice with your old short hair. But you replied to mind your own business, well, I wish it was a joke. But I was just being honest… perhaps too honest.

I remember you, the first time we met… you were wearing a baseball cap, seemed harassed for that event you were organizing… short, nicely clean-cut hair was peeked under the cap. After that, I never thought our paths will cross again. Until now…

Sigh…

I dunno what term is right… shaven, bald, hairless…… whatever!

I am shocked, no! Happy… no! Surprised… I really don’t know how and what I am feeling. I got used to seeing you in ponytail. I got used to greeting you and then stroking that tied, pulled back hair of yours. Am I assuming that you listened to me? I really don’t know.

I had to confirm from another person in your office. Peaches! Yes, Peaches! I was talking to her too. She knew. She’d be honest. And she confirmed. And I YM-ed you… you were still joking around. And asked you why, you just said lately you’ve becoming hot-headed and all. Ummm… I answered “literally and figuratively speaking?” You acknowledged with a wink. I demanded to see you over webcam.

And there you are, long-hair gone.

Unavoidable Truth

2006-12-07T19:35:00.000-08:00

Staying away from you is really a HARD thing to do. Besides, there will always be at least a day in a week than our paths will cross…

Might as well embrace the truth that you will be that person for me until someone (if not really you) will be the one to fill the “gap”.

–––––

I just came from a short nap. Hoping to regain lack of sleep due to staying in your office till 4AM in preparing some marketing material for one of your products, a few hours that I need to attend my college friends wedding AND host it with my VBF.

And I thought I wouldn’t survive 2 straight days? WOW!!! Both work and wedding was a blast!

Admit it… you stayed too… helped out and my heart is thankful and “personally” glad you stayed. ‘Nuff explanation. Isn’t it too obvious? But really, both events turned out well. So hyper sharing to my other colleagues what they missed out, how we worked and how I got myself 2 pairs of shoes a few hours before the wedding.

The wedding turned out very well. Though my feet still feel sore until now, I didn’t feel ashamed of what I am wearing, in hosting and just being there. I felt happy for the couple. You can see that in our other friends’ faces too. The love and the wedding is really authentic. Love there is not fabricated…

Weird thing is, I thought of you there in the midst of somehow a reunion with our friends in college we’ve never seen since after graduation.

I did wish you were there, with me. I wonder how you feel about weddings?

For the first time, I hosted. For the first time, I am excited to join the ladies in the catching of bouquet. For the first time, I had this longing of getting married (well, this one occurred for perhaps 5 mins!). For the first time, I am not shamed of what people thought of me (and stared at me) when I removed my heeled-pointed shoes and take note… walked around! ;)

It’s an accomplishment for me :)

Tired, yet I don’t mind. I felt light, good and happy! It’s just this f*cking sore-numb feet are torturing me!

Forgiveness

2006-11-16T13:31:00.000-08:00

Am I that… urgh…

Ok. I ate my word again. I the you last week and now here I am again… liking you.

Why can’t I resist not inviting you out? What is it with your tough attitude that drive me nuts?

*Pancho joined us last night. You who’s just a few blocks away from the meeting place is late. Well, at least you came… and I got a kiss (a peck on the cheeks actually).

Topic is work again. Mostly good news and laying out of cards… you like how Pancho and *Peaches work. You gave your support to them, and free advice. You who’s a known snob in terms of work attitude… I am happy that you are extending your hand and opening your picket fences to your other colleagues.

A few of your selected colleagues ;)

I never had a chance of cornering you. I mean, just you and me to go out. Well, yesterday was a chance but I am such a coward. I texted and invited * Pancho and *Anne. Too bad Anna was so tired, she declined the invitation.

How come I wanted to hate you yet I couldn’t resist you?!

ARGH!

I listen as you and Pancho talk your heart out. You even shared some of our previous conversations with him. I am quiet. I listen… and speak to you in my thoughts…

It’s bad to stare… I know! Sorry if you catch me doing so :(

I’m just happy to know, that despite you being a snob on work, you are busy with work. I mean, finally, you are enjoying your assignment. You are excited about it. It’s your moment to shine? Sounds mushy but well, this might be the break… your break. And I don’t want to meddle nor be a distraction. As if… :p

After we finished the beer tower, and waited for the couple next table to go. I planned ahead that I’d be passing by Starbucks to get my “sticker”… for the planner thing Ü And was hoping you get my cue to stay with me…

And thank the heavens, you kind of get the hint. I had you for myself for almost an hour. Though work is still the topic, I’m still happy being with you. The little me inside just can’t stop jumping around.

And you think I am drunk. Hahaha! I’m just acting, pretending so you’d stay :p

Sigh. What is it with you, ah… Mr. B…

(God! All these times I’m talking to you I never gave you a name!)

… why can’t I get you out of my system?!

Disappointment

2006-11-10T01:31:00.000-08:00

I am buried with work and thank God for such a chance.

Yup! I am thanking for the tons of work assigned to me. Are you shocked? Don’t be. I see it as a help… as my remedy…

To get over you.

–––––

I didn’t like what you said over YM. I accepted the invitation of your colleague and joined you guys primarily and honestly, when you confirmed you’re going to be there. I was happy then. I get to go out that night, free drinks and you’re there.

Take note: I was happy.

All, well, most actually are “surprised” when I came ALONE. What is it shocking about me joining you guys or having a night out by myself, without my team?

I took that as a compliment and an insult.

Then again, I am overreacting. I know.

You broke your vow that you’d quit smoking. I asked you nicely in Fiama. You just said you’d quit when you have a kid… huh? And then, you said it’s not you I’m talking to.

I asked nicely… as far as I know. And what did I get?

That you don’t divulge all information…

FUCK.

All along I thought we were good. At least…

I am overreacting but… still… I am disappointed. I am hurt.

May be I should just leave you alone.

After Thoughts

2006-10-29T11:16:00.000-08:00

Why is it that just thinking of you makes me relieved?

Hahaha. Perhaps I should give you a codename… hmmm… aspirin. Too 1980’s! :p

My day of isolation as my gift to self still hasn’t occurred. I got sick on the eve of my birthday and though the doctor told me NOT to take any alcohol until my antibiotics are done. What the hell? I WANT to go out.

I deserve some getaway from the office and the usual people I am with I wanted to go out and have a breather, even for just a few hours. Was planning for sometime to go out alone, by myself in a bar or coffee shop… perhaps I was never brought up with such ideology of that sense of adventure. I asked a few of your new officemates that seemed promising and sensible enough to talk to and be with to join me last Friday. Initial plan was dinner, no beers but when you said you’ll join us… I hailed for beer!

Work is still the topic. People they hate in your office. These newbies seemed to share the same sentiments with you. Funny how *Pancho dishes the other team. As you’ve said, thanks to that team we won’t have any topic to talk about over beer.

I wonder if you talk about me when I’m not around…

I lost count on how many beers I took. Well, I intentionally didn’t count it. Drank it directly from the bottle. I find it weird that it tasted different drinking that way than from a glass with ice. It was faster to finish drinking from the bottle.

Or was it, just because I was not talking much?

We parted ways from the group a little past midnight––quite early to end the night, I thought. I was ready to spent a little more time alone in a coffee shop to let the alcohol die down first. But you seemed to get the cue. You joined me for a couple or more hours.

I am happy then. Very.

You have this way of making people open up and talk. It was your skill, no! A talent if I may say so. You shared your thoughts on a new disturbance I am having again in regards to my work and your colleagues.

It seemed that I don’t need to say it anymore. You always knew what is bothering. I’m glad you knew me somehow but at the same time I am a bit in doubt of myself. Am I too transparent that you see through me that easy? And that you knew that I like you. I wish you’re not taking advantage of that. And I hope you are not like that to me because you’re not drunk, I can tell but you still have the influence of beer. You admittedly told me that you are not that talkative if you didn’t have a drink or two.

I sensed sincerity on your voice. In every word you say, you mean it. I hope I am right this time.

Shocks! I am staring at you too much, don’t I? Sorry *blushing*

I will be very careful. I’ll take you’re advise. I try to open this up with Myles but he seems not into it. I mean, I too have a little hesitation of telling him details of what we are talking about. I am torn with work and personal intentions. Am I making sense here? Geesh…

Honestly, I am a little confused. I am in doubt, that’s why I am a bit reserve and quiet. I don’t know if you are talking to me as if psyching me, in who’s favor? Mine or yours? I am a doubtful person specially to those men that I like or sensed that I do like them.

I don’t want to be their toy. I don’t want to be your toy for power trip.

I just wish next time we have a chance of going out like that, just the two of us we won’t be talking about work anymore. Perhaps that’s one reason for me to know you more. I know, we are both somehow testing the grounds. I do like you. Just in this entry how may times have I told you that? Hahaha!

Still finishing my meds by the way.

Greetings

2006-10-26T03:16:00.000-07:00

Last hours of supposedly my day was spent with you and a couple more of your female friends, my new friends including *Anne. It’s the eve of your birthday, too. It was unexpected for you guys but somehow it was preempted… hahaha. I was gathering courage actually.

Ü

I thought that my day would end without anything making me happy. Good thing you guys are available last night. All are tired after our weekly meeting. Perhaps it WAS meant to be my day, my night. But some people just know how to ruin it… intentional or not.

You saw how my mood changed. They knew. You knew.

Fuck.

Happy birthday.

Hope your day is much happier than mine.

Preparation

2006-10-24T14:16:00.000-07:00

It’s a holiday. I think it’s the last day of Ramadan that’s why GMA (our dear president) called it a holiday. Rubbing elbows with our brother Muslims… election is oh so near. I can smell it, the stinky air.

I called in sick yesterday. So now, Joseph declared it a holiday too. We are closed shop and he said I better rest it off –– my psychosomatic illness as Josie*, my gay friend told me I am experiencing.

Hmp.

Rest. Yeah right? I am worrying my butt off now on what the hell to present tomorrow. Your bosses can’t make up their minds on the floor display to produce. I like doing boxes and other math-construction types like those but my goodness!!! I don’t guess here?!!? I calculate… theorize and test. I am knocking my brains out in every box or shelves I design.

I make sure that what might look like a “theory” could be produced feasibly. I don’t design for merely showing off… I design because it’s workable! When I am asked can I make a mockup out of it… my answer it always be a clear Y-E-S.

Darn.

And I am recuperating and tomorrow is my birthday. My f*cking 29th birthday!

Thank you for reminding me.

Some preparation… prep for my birthday or the presentation? F*ck! Why asked it’s obviously for the latter one.

Happy birthday to me.

Confirmation

2006-10-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

My week is hell.

You’re too busy and engrossed with the new “plan” you have. By the way, congratulations. You are now directly under your REAL boss wings and off the neck of that pesky distributing manager of yours.

My only consolation perhaps is when I had the nerve (partial if I may say so) to ask my boss-friend that happened to be your friend too if it’s really off-limits to go out with you… mean go out for a chat or coffee or a drink or two. He said no.

No.

Ü

Of all people you and your boss are on our side. Kakampi.

My mere consolation.

I don’t really feel well. Think I am going to be sick. Really sick.

Ganged Up

2006-10-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

It’s Tuesday. We came from your office. Like previous meetings, my energy was drained yet I am fulfilled ‘cause I get to see you somehow.

But not today.

You texted you wanted to have lunch with us. I guess it’s because you wanted to share that idea you told me over YM and last Saturday that I thought you were just fooling around. Sorry. I don’t really know you that well.

The morning agenda was moved to passed lunch time. Your big boss wasn’t there so the meeting was preceeded by the other boss, the wife. It was undeniably true that these past few days, there had been some rough times between your company and ours. To cut it short, we were ganged up. But most of the pressure was driven to Stephanie*. All are pissed. Though Joseph* and I seemed to calmly handled it. We didn’t like how the “wife’s” tone sounded.

What can we do… we are just merely your suppliers… some outsiders!

But the most irritating of all is why the hell it was brought up on the very first day our new member was introduced? It was Denise* first time to join the team in your meeting.

Great. Just great.

Well… damage control. Charge all to experience.

Again.

The Meeting

2006-10-15T15:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I declared it a day off. A day which I’d do what I wanted and perhaps would end up a day by myself. I did some errands and favors (for my VBF, of course) passed by our university, I felt good walking under the shades of huge trees, rode the Ikot jeep, sit (and talked to God) at the chapel. Been years since I last did that. Years after college. Only half the day passed, I am in a cab, off to a mall to checkout their book selection. I am on a research for this shelf display I am to figure out for one of your boss-friend’s prime product. I decided to text your female friends and you of course if anyone is up for coffee or something. I made the decision where to eat and what time. Two said yes… you and another female friend declined.

Oh. (Sigh.)

You said you’d pass meeting up for you have a basketball game.

Beers and plates of baked scallops will make me happy then. I have been craving for scallops for weeks and now is MY chance.

My bookstore visit was half disappointing. No “book” on modular thingy but I got Shel Silverstein’s The Missing Piece and The Missing Piece Meets The Big O. I bought the books. Expensive. But it’s self-satisfaction. I love the stories. Simple. And I can relate to it. I was planning to give you one but come to think of it…

1.) You might not get it… not that I find you stupid (I won’t like you if you ARE, hello?) there might be a big question mark on your forehead once you tore up the wrapper.

2.) I might be too sneaky on your personal life… I definitely don’t want you to think I am a pakialamera.

3.) And you might just see it weird, you being a male creature… me giving me you a children’s book.

So it’d just keep it to myself. My collection.

Your female friends love it though. They could relate to the books. Females eh. Unlike you.

Jose (my VBF) once said… am I sure that you go for women and not men. I replied immediately and in a bit of an angry tone… OF COURSE! What made him think you’re gay? You haven’t met. Is he jealous?

Nah.

Imagine: 2 of your female friends plus me… in a resto mid-afternoon eating and chatting. We kept on asking what time is it, not because we are bored but we are hoping that the sun is down so we can drink beer!

Hahaha.

But honestly, I was happy when you texted and asking where we are Ü Really. I don’t know if Anne* feels that I am so concern about you. And now I am confused whether it was true that Tina* really liked you are it’s all just gossips.

I thought I’d be going home early yesterday. I am a bit worried thinking that my folks might be worried I’m out late again and my phone is almost drained. But who cares? As long as you’re coming Ü Tina left and Anne stayed. We really don’t know where to go while we are waiting for you to get out of your boss-friend’s company. Like our previous meetings, we can’t let both our boss-friends to know. With your advice, I did tell my boss-friend who happened to be your friend too of our meetings. But see what it resulted?

Though I am not really sure if they really forbid it. I want it to come from him. I don’t know if he knew that you are some kind of special to me. He’s male too. Guys are most of the time insensitive or should I say if it didn’t matter or concerns you, ignorance covers you up?

There was some sort of street party in the area we are hanging out. Too bad that kind of street party wasn’t let’s just say “attractive”? I think the local government sponsored it so as expected the crowd was quite masa.

Anne wanted to help me out with the gondola. I wasn’t really into working on it but she insisted. She likes doing it too, she said. I like doing such stuff too, you know that. It’s just that I need time to think it over. We were walking in circles while chatting personal opinions and a bit of our lives. We really have no plans on where to go or how to get there. But it was fun… to just be there and say “bahala na”. With all the walking and chatting we found a near coffee place and I found a folder (board) and some notebook sheets in my bag which we used in figuring out the initial structure of the gondola while we kill time.

Kill time… we really have no plans ahead. We have no idea if you are still coming or not. I turned off my phone to save its last juice before I go home and to remove a bit stress in me that I’m sure my folks will keep on texting me inquiring where in hell their daughter is. I still feel awkward being around or with you and your females friends and yet I long to be with you.

Eiw. Mushy…

Anyway, the wait (and the walking in circles) paid of when Anne and I figured out the structure and the die cut of the stackable gondola Ü Just a few adjustments and implementation of measurements, we are good to go. I was shy to ask Anne to check if you replied whether you’re still coming or already gone home. Half of me wished I’m heading for home and the other half, wishing you’re with us.

Then you came.

You looked different with you’re outfit: the cargo shorts, big, loose shirts and is that you’re soccer shoes? Anne blurted it out, obviously noticed it too. Me, I just appreciated you’re presence and smiled. I am happy… somehow.

It was late. Surely, I’ll be receiving a word or two from my dad or my mom.

I stayed. You came. But still we talked about work. Anne was looking and commented why I am suddenly “sad”. Huh? Perhaps she thought I am sad because I suddenly became quiet. I have nothing to say. I feel there’s an awkward air around the 3 of us. I like it when you talk and I just listen.

I only had 1 beer and that was hours ago. But I am satisfied. I don’t need to be drunk to talk or so just to see you.

Persistence and my VBF

2006-10-15T00:16:00.000-07:00

It’s me again.

It’s already morning (officially). I just came in from seeing you and Anne*.

Despite the fact that I felt my boss-friend and/or a colleague forbids me to see you the thought of being with you again made me smile. And make me hope that we’d really would.

I asked you last Friday (the 13th) over YM if you’d like to go out.

You said you already had plans…

Shocks.

I thought so. That is what I’m afraid of.

Earlier that day. My VBF or virtual boyfriend and I are talking over YM too. He’s my “virtual” boyfriend not because we haven’t seen each other. It’s just that we knew we couldn’t be officially committed, as in a relationship. He’s gay. It just so happened that we are college’s buddies and he introduces me to his family and friends as his VGF (virtual girlfriend) and proclaiming that if he’s not gay he could have courted me and I could have been his girlfriend. At first I am confused whether it was an insult to me because I thought he pities me that why he said that but come to think of it, gay men has high standards in terms of beauty and if they like you, they really like you.

Can you imagine a little me clapping upon realizing that?

Well, to cut it short, he (my VBF) tells me not to bother thinking that about the “hindrance”. If I really like you, I should tell you straight front.

Gulp. Very gay principle… and I admire them for that!

Tell you right in the face? You know why I can’t, right? Me girl, you boy? (Why am I talking bedrock here!?)

Aside from the fact that I won’t be bothering him about you, his reason is for me to get it over with. Tell you how I really feel and demand an answer right then and there. If you like me too well and good, perhaps time for you to move. If you don’t, I should drop you andmove on.

I can’t get to be with you ALONE and he wants me to profess my feelings? Well, I did remember one Saturday we went to this shopping mall because I asked you if I can come along.

I considered that move (asking) a great deal for me. Whew!

I paid the cab. You paid for the food. Can that be considered a date despite the fact that all we talk about is work… and… ah, work?

While on my way home after that meeting, it made me think. And decided to drop that thought of you and me.

But you kept on popping up! Because you are sooooo cute when you smile and laugh!

As one song tells me…

There’s a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend.
There’s a fine, fine line between reality and pretend….
There’s a fine, fine line between a fairytale and a lie…
There’s a fine, fine line between you’re wonderful and goodbye.
I guess if someone doesn’t love you back it isn’t such a crime.
BUT there’s a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time.

Ok. Half of me tells to drop you… but the other half says not to.

The Introduction

2006-10-13T00:16:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Let me start writing to you today, these early hours of Friday that happened to fall on the 13th.

Some luck it would be.

Hmmm… I don’t know what came to me that made me do this (again). As if I am writing on a diary. As if talking to you. But actually I am talking just to myself. I won’t have the courage to tell all of these in front of you of course. Though you won’t deny that I tried approaching you, to get to know you beyond the client-consultant relationship we initially have.

Yup. There it goes. We met because of a common friend you and I have (and still have at the moment) back in college. You claimed you knew him earlier than I do. But I don’t think so. Either I knew him first of we knew him at the same time, though on two different times… or worlds.

How do I start…

I thought doing this would clear my mind (and my heart) of what I do really think about you. Weird but it might work. It’s like confessing and professing. I have this thing that when people get to know what I like or want, my longing for that thing (or even person) fades away. Really. Of course, who would be stupid enough to shout to the world what I THINK I am feeling for you right now. It’s just that I may be wrong… just like those before you.

I am too old to make mistakes. But I am also afraid that I am missing something.

I am getting another year older in a few days time… and so do you.

I was fascinated that we were born under the same stars almost at the same time. I wonder if we share the same fate in life…

Nah. I find yours better than mine. But we are sort of, have some similarities. Like for one, we both fond of kids…

We LOVE our nieces and nephews.

When you mentioned you miss playing with your nephew/niece (I’m not sure which one you have. You said pamangkin which is a generic terminology in our language)… I knew you’d be different.

Which now, I am hating you for letting me know that :(

Who is Mr. Anonymous?

2006-10-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

Today, I am starting a new blog. It isn’t the blog that I once planed while taking a shower. That vicious blog…

I lost those thoughts.

Now, on the eve of my 29th birthday, I decided to post the letters I write for Mr. Anonymous. Who happens to be someone special (at the moment) to me. But lately, it’s fading… (hopefully)

I think I should be happy if it’s happening that way.

It was originally titled Letters to Mr. B (who’ll never read this anyway) but come to think of it, as I mentioned it earlier… my fetish to Mr. B seemed fading.

So I dedicate the this blog to Mr. Anonymous initially to Mr. B who’s mysteriousness appears to be striking to me and to the future Mr. or Ms. anonymous who’ll signify those people I cannot directly relay to.