Today is the last day of 2006. All will be busy including me. Since Nanay is not in the house, I have to step up and do the decision-making and the prepping up for new year’s eve. Nothing much… still it’s work.
I dunno what you are up to. Don’t want to bombard you with text messages. I won’t be wasting my peso on you again because you won’t reply anyway.
We both have demons to face and battle with… so that’s just it. To each his own ways… for now.
I’ve always told you that if you’ll be needing my help just say so…
Hopefully 2007 will be a different one for both of us. Good things hopefully lie ahead for us next year.
Happy New Year… and take care…
… and you still remain nameless here.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Coming Back and Hoping
After tomorrow, 2007 is here. What shall I be in that year? Would I still be crazy in love with you or over you?
Crazy in love with you… or am I still in love with the concept of love?
I just came back last night from my “adventure”. The unplanned road trip for Zambales. I went there alone after giving up of dragging anyone I thought of. I planned not to tell you but what the heck, it was the same.
I really wanted to go to the beach before the year ends. I’ve been craving for it for the past weeks. I have such attraction to water. Well, Scorpios are water sign. Of all people, you should know that, being a Scorpio too.
Anyway, I was with you, Pancho, Eunice and that new guy in your office. I had spent the whole day with Frances*, an old friend and colleague of mine in my children’s Organization. She was suppose to accompany me for the beach trip but her boss is holding her neck. Too bad, she’s a beach lover too. I decided to drop by your office to see if I could extend a hand in Nick’s* event the next day. I was aware that you’re there and Eunice as well. Pancho warned me. He also told me that you guys seemed to have some plan of drinking after office and Pancho asked me if I’d like to join. He was out of the office but promised to follow wherever we are.
I have hesitations but still, I joined. Making Pancho sort of happy aftert he talk we had last night. I love that kid!
At first you guys were somehow “unsure”. Eunice had other plans BUT cancelled it learning the dinner and drinking is a go. You said you have previous engagement but decided to come too, learning I’ll be staying till 8pm? Or was it just my assumption? Whatever!
My plan of staying till 8 became 10. Pancho came in as fast as he could because I kept on texting him. Hahaha! Eat a little, but never drink nor smoke… tempted but controlled it. I am to go home and prepare my things for my Zambales trip the next day.
You were teasing me. I dunno if you are serious or not, that if I only asked you and we planned ahead you could have come with me? Was I dreaming? Anne knows that I have plans of following Joseph in Bicol and wanted to ask if you’d like to come with me? I hesitated to ask. And now… hmmm… I just hope next time IF I plan to getaway you’d say “yes”…
I came back from a satisfied adventure. I made it! I am proud of myself and texted you. Well, you texted first the night I reached the place. Something about you are happy that you are being consulted by the newbies on organizing the event. But you never replied after I texted you back. Sigh.
I made it, I’m back. I feel recharged. Hopefully I’d be a better person next year. Hopefully I get to control my temper. Hopefully I get to be selfish yet reasonable enough to be understood. Hopefully I’ll have my own life that I control next year…
Hopefully, if we won’t be together at least we’ll be the closest friends… best friends…
Hopefully…
Crazy in love with you… or am I still in love with the concept of love?
I just came back last night from my “adventure”. The unplanned road trip for Zambales. I went there alone after giving up of dragging anyone I thought of. I planned not to tell you but what the heck, it was the same.
I really wanted to go to the beach before the year ends. I’ve been craving for it for the past weeks. I have such attraction to water. Well, Scorpios are water sign. Of all people, you should know that, being a Scorpio too.
Anyway, I was with you, Pancho, Eunice and that new guy in your office. I had spent the whole day with Frances*, an old friend and colleague of mine in my children’s Organization. She was suppose to accompany me for the beach trip but her boss is holding her neck. Too bad, she’s a beach lover too. I decided to drop by your office to see if I could extend a hand in Nick’s* event the next day. I was aware that you’re there and Eunice as well. Pancho warned me. He also told me that you guys seemed to have some plan of drinking after office and Pancho asked me if I’d like to join. He was out of the office but promised to follow wherever we are.
I have hesitations but still, I joined. Making Pancho sort of happy aftert he talk we had last night. I love that kid!
At first you guys were somehow “unsure”. Eunice had other plans BUT cancelled it learning the dinner and drinking is a go. You said you have previous engagement but decided to come too, learning I’ll be staying till 8pm? Or was it just my assumption? Whatever!
My plan of staying till 8 became 10. Pancho came in as fast as he could because I kept on texting him. Hahaha! Eat a little, but never drink nor smoke… tempted but controlled it. I am to go home and prepare my things for my Zambales trip the next day.
You were teasing me. I dunno if you are serious or not, that if I only asked you and we planned ahead you could have come with me? Was I dreaming? Anne knows that I have plans of following Joseph in Bicol and wanted to ask if you’d like to come with me? I hesitated to ask. And now… hmmm… I just hope next time IF I plan to getaway you’d say “yes”…
I came back from a satisfied adventure. I made it! I am proud of myself and texted you. Well, you texted first the night I reached the place. Something about you are happy that you are being consulted by the newbies on organizing the event. But you never replied after I texted you back. Sigh.
I made it, I’m back. I feel recharged. Hopefully I’d be a better person next year. Hopefully I get to control my temper. Hopefully I get to be selfish yet reasonable enough to be understood. Hopefully I’ll have my own life that I control next year…
Hopefully, if we won’t be together at least we’ll be the closest friends… best friends…
Hopefully…
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Realization
I couldn’t help it. I had to talk to someone…
I called Pancho.
Told him everything… first guy, younger than us to learn about me being into you. Shit.
Let’s make this short and sweet… one thing struck me with all the things he said: I should NOT tell you. From a point of view of a man… situation will be awkward.
True enough.
My plan was that he’ll be somehow helping me know how you definitely feel for Eunice. Learning if you two are having some mutual understanding, then I will definitely ummm… be happy for you two? No, selfishly, I’d know my stand and will not pursue. Because Eunice is a person that “fights”, and I’m not the type.
Why?
Comes my next realization that Pancho and I share: Reputation. I came from me too, as he said it… I may not be the most beautiful or the sexiest woman you’d ever knew but I have a name to protect and will be keeping it that way for as long as I live. I may have the ideology of a “manang” or an old-fashion Filipina that won’t surprise anyone if I’d stay single till I die because of that ideology… but that’s how I believe I am and would be hard for me to change it. Because I wasn’t raised to be other than that.
But Pancho, backed off. He doesn’t want to be involved as I understand it. But his words stayed to me and realized a lot. I mean, thank God I talked to him or else I may have regretted something that is remorseful!
“Go with the flow. Don’t rush. There will always be someone for somebody… in due time.”
Sigh. If I could only argue with him on that statement… but… sigh.
Pancho, being young himself seemed to be wiser for his age. But there’s one thing I was kind of confused… one of his initial statements… something like “different perception” or something like that…
I like hugging this kid… gentle giant as he is. Like a little brother I never had ;)
I called Pancho.
Told him everything… first guy, younger than us to learn about me being into you. Shit.
Let’s make this short and sweet… one thing struck me with all the things he said: I should NOT tell you. From a point of view of a man… situation will be awkward.
True enough.
My plan was that he’ll be somehow helping me know how you definitely feel for Eunice. Learning if you two are having some mutual understanding, then I will definitely ummm… be happy for you two? No, selfishly, I’d know my stand and will not pursue. Because Eunice is a person that “fights”, and I’m not the type.
Why?
Comes my next realization that Pancho and I share: Reputation. I came from me too, as he said it… I may not be the most beautiful or the sexiest woman you’d ever knew but I have a name to protect and will be keeping it that way for as long as I live. I may have the ideology of a “manang” or an old-fashion Filipina that won’t surprise anyone if I’d stay single till I die because of that ideology… but that’s how I believe I am and would be hard for me to change it. Because I wasn’t raised to be other than that.
But Pancho, backed off. He doesn’t want to be involved as I understand it. But his words stayed to me and realized a lot. I mean, thank God I talked to him or else I may have regretted something that is remorseful!
“Go with the flow. Don’t rush. There will always be someone for somebody… in due time.”
Sigh. If I could only argue with him on that statement… but… sigh.
Pancho, being young himself seemed to be wiser for his age. But there’s one thing I was kind of confused… one of his initial statements… something like “different perception” or something like that…
I like hugging this kid… gentle giant as he is. Like a little brother I never had ;)
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Disoriented
I skipped blogging for more than 2 weeks. As proven, we try to forget bad things that happened and try to remember good things alone. Yes. I am still denying it, yet it’s been haunting me once in awhile what I learned a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps now is a right time to admit it and put it in writing.
I have lost my bearings more compared to just being struck and numb. It’s quite true now that there are things better left as a secret. I mean, we wanted to know ALL things right… but there are definitely things better be kept away from your knowledge.
How do I put all my thoughts into words?... Let’s go through it backwards.
Yesterday was Christmas… given up from you for not greeting me. Was it a sign that I should definitely back off? I was restless. I knew I was sleepy but I was unable to located Mr. Sandman for that matter. I was awaken by my SMS alert and there you were. Texting me… ”Huli man ang magaling… naihahabol din! Merry xmas!u” … I was really edgy few hours prior of you texting. I texted you back… no answer. Very typical of you. And looking at the “u”… perhaps you’re thoughts are having some freestyle or backstroke in the pool of beer or alcohol you texted.
Sigh.
I decided to tell you how I feel for you. I mean, admit that you are somehow “special”. But I have to find the right time… proper timing. I knew you have some other issues to deal with right now, like family matters and all that. It was 4 votes against 1. And it was Anne who objected. Her points were clear too. But considering I was OK without you before… what shall I lose now? I mean, I am not after taking what we have now to the next level. Well, that would be a bonus if I’m lucky enough that I am that special. But as Jose warned me, expect the WORST. Losing our friendship, or whatever we have now. But that I have to risk. Accept your react, maturely. But I have to prioritize the most it can do for myself. It’s about time I speak up… and have peace.
Why did it lead me to such decision? December 18, Monday… Intra’s Christmas Party at Music Match… approximately, half past 11pm. The whole Intra knew Eunice likes you. I need not elaborate it here. I will carry that scenario in the years left of my lifetime! Evidences in photographs are sooo clear. I cried. Tried to hide it but I definitely know now that you knew. Because you texted me…
That moment, I have no one to run to. I was tipsy… no! I AM drunk and emotionally unstable. I had to text Stephanie who was the most sane person that night. She’s not under any influence of alcohol nor was she smoking. That night was the start of my restlessness and confusion…
It’s hard to be always the “nice one” and the “entrusted one”. I always get to have the blow by blow accounts of her plans, her thoughts and action on you. I thought knowing was half the battle. But such knowledge, every inch and detail of it… kills me. These is one of those things that I WISH I just never knew… I really WISHED I can just go away unnoticed and be invisible.
I lost my thoughts… That how disoriented I am. I wish it would that easy with you… I could just easily lost you and my feelings for you… but it isn’t.
You used to be an inspiration. The source of that oddly smile stuck on my face. But now…
Is it that serious now that I am sooo affected by the events? Never felt such in any of my previous “inspirations”…
Is it really that… deep?
I have lost my bearings more compared to just being struck and numb. It’s quite true now that there are things better left as a secret. I mean, we wanted to know ALL things right… but there are definitely things better be kept away from your knowledge.
How do I put all my thoughts into words?... Let’s go through it backwards.
Yesterday was Christmas… given up from you for not greeting me. Was it a sign that I should definitely back off? I was restless. I knew I was sleepy but I was unable to located Mr. Sandman for that matter. I was awaken by my SMS alert and there you were. Texting me… ”Huli man ang magaling… naihahabol din! Merry xmas!u” … I was really edgy few hours prior of you texting. I texted you back… no answer. Very typical of you. And looking at the “u”… perhaps you’re thoughts are having some freestyle or backstroke in the pool of beer or alcohol you texted.
Sigh.
I decided to tell you how I feel for you. I mean, admit that you are somehow “special”. But I have to find the right time… proper timing. I knew you have some other issues to deal with right now, like family matters and all that. It was 4 votes against 1. And it was Anne who objected. Her points were clear too. But considering I was OK without you before… what shall I lose now? I mean, I am not after taking what we have now to the next level. Well, that would be a bonus if I’m lucky enough that I am that special. But as Jose warned me, expect the WORST. Losing our friendship, or whatever we have now. But that I have to risk. Accept your react, maturely. But I have to prioritize the most it can do for myself. It’s about time I speak up… and have peace.
Why did it lead me to such decision? December 18, Monday… Intra’s Christmas Party at Music Match… approximately, half past 11pm. The whole Intra knew Eunice likes you. I need not elaborate it here. I will carry that scenario in the years left of my lifetime! Evidences in photographs are sooo clear. I cried. Tried to hide it but I definitely know now that you knew. Because you texted me…
That moment, I have no one to run to. I was tipsy… no! I AM drunk and emotionally unstable. I had to text Stephanie who was the most sane person that night. She’s not under any influence of alcohol nor was she smoking. That night was the start of my restlessness and confusion…
It’s hard to be always the “nice one” and the “entrusted one”. I always get to have the blow by blow accounts of her plans, her thoughts and action on you. I thought knowing was half the battle. But such knowledge, every inch and detail of it… kills me. These is one of those things that I WISH I just never knew… I really WISHED I can just go away unnoticed and be invisible.
I lost my thoughts… That how disoriented I am. I wish it would that easy with you… I could just easily lost you and my feelings for you… but it isn’t.
You used to be an inspiration. The source of that oddly smile stuck on my face. But now…
Is it that serious now that I am sooo affected by the events? Never felt such in any of my previous “inspirations”…
Is it really that… deep?
Thursday, December 21, 2006
"Crying" It
My last week at work and I am still “lost” of what has happened a few days ago…
I still have to work but I am sooooo useless…
Christmas is sooo near, yet I feel… blank.
It’s a week of meeting up with friends, get-togethers, Christmas parties… dinners, etc… etc…
I have been to videoke or karaoke with different sets of friends. From client-friends to ex-officemates turned to friends… but all the same, I DON’T sing. I munch in the food, drink the beers I can induce and smoke till my lungs give up.
But last night was different.
I am with my Batibot ladies… had dinner and of course, karaoke should never be off our list. I have been out of touch from these two ladies but when we see each other, it still the same. We giggle. We laugh. We talk. But it’s not just me who noticed that I AM different. Different in a that I actually SING.
Yes! I sang till my larynx or whatever part of that throat is about to break. I sang like I was the only one in that room. I felt no shame. I am not shy. I just feel like singing. I proudly grabbed the songbook and search for familiar songs… then punched the numbers.
I practically sang…
I SANG….
Not 1 song, not 2 or 3… not just 10 I suppose…
I felt satisfied singing last night. I feel happy. And my friends felt it too. They were happy. They said that I finally “let go”… I was confused with their term. But they said, I am finally enjoying it… TOTALLY enjoying karaoke. That sounded good too… felt somehow alive. It’s like, something or someone just came out of me!
I just sang my heart out… and it felt good. F*ckingly good.
I still have to work but I am sooooo useless…
Christmas is sooo near, yet I feel… blank.
It’s a week of meeting up with friends, get-togethers, Christmas parties… dinners, etc… etc…
I have been to videoke or karaoke with different sets of friends. From client-friends to ex-officemates turned to friends… but all the same, I DON’T sing. I munch in the food, drink the beers I can induce and smoke till my lungs give up.
But last night was different.
I am with my Batibot ladies… had dinner and of course, karaoke should never be off our list. I have been out of touch from these two ladies but when we see each other, it still the same. We giggle. We laugh. We talk. But it’s not just me who noticed that I AM different. Different in a that I actually SING.
Yes! I sang till my larynx or whatever part of that throat is about to break. I sang like I was the only one in that room. I felt no shame. I am not shy. I just feel like singing. I proudly grabbed the songbook and search for familiar songs… then punched the numbers.
I practically sang…
I SANG….
Not 1 song, not 2 or 3… not just 10 I suppose…
I felt satisfied singing last night. I feel happy. And my friends felt it too. They were happy. They said that I finally “let go”… I was confused with their term. But they said, I am finally enjoying it… TOTALLY enjoying karaoke. That sounded good too… felt somehow alive. It’s like, something or someone just came out of me!
I just sang my heart out… and it felt good. F*ckingly good.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Sessions
I had to say I am happy that we had dinner along with your old officemates and friends last night. Anne was there of course. Texted her when I realized I'm the only one not really part of the group. I mean, the fear of being out of place and that awkward moment... she just told me, as usual... I am overacting!
You got your gift earlier than I expected. Since the ladies had theirs, why wait for Monday during your office's Christmas party to have yours. You and the ladies are quite anxious to open the packages. Good thing no one pursued doing it or else, I'll be caught that I favored you more.
But isn't it obvious?
From 7pm to 2am we were together. Recalling what we were talking about last night, makes me smile oddly. There are "hot seats" at the time. Questions came up ONLY at moments when people get some alcohol into their system. With that thought now, I decided that I'd better keep all of it to myself rather than write it down here. In the first place, we are all drunk last night. It can easily be denied or ignored anyhow. I don't know if Anne is trying to push me to speak up but I know it's not the right time.
The ladies decided to have a little shot of caffeine before we all call it a night. I thought you were coming. But you just said you're tired and needs to rest. You usually stay with me for a little more chat over coffee. You knew I don't want you to go but still... perhaps you knew I'll be fine since I still have company.
I know you had a previous engagement. I think it's a Christmas party of an org of yours. I heard you talking to someone on your mobile last night. You made an excuse for not joining them. Thanks for staying. Really appreciate it Ü
With my recent issue now, one thing's clear... (with 2 witnesses with me) Eunice is not your type.
You got your gift earlier than I expected. Since the ladies had theirs, why wait for Monday during your office's Christmas party to have yours. You and the ladies are quite anxious to open the packages. Good thing no one pursued doing it or else, I'll be caught that I favored you more.
But isn't it obvious?
From 7pm to 2am we were together. Recalling what we were talking about last night, makes me smile oddly. There are "hot seats" at the time. Questions came up ONLY at moments when people get some alcohol into their system. With that thought now, I decided that I'd better keep all of it to myself rather than write it down here. In the first place, we are all drunk last night. It can easily be denied or ignored anyhow. I don't know if Anne is trying to push me to speak up but I know it's not the right time.
The ladies decided to have a little shot of caffeine before we all call it a night. I thought you were coming. But you just said you're tired and needs to rest. You usually stay with me for a little more chat over coffee. You knew I don't want you to go but still... perhaps you knew I'll be fine since I still have company.
I know you had a previous engagement. I think it's a Christmas party of an org of yours. I heard you talking to someone on your mobile last night. You made an excuse for not joining them. Thanks for staying. Really appreciate it Ü
With my recent issue now, one thing's clear... (with 2 witnesses with me) Eunice is not your type.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Distracted
Eunice just called up. Telling me she and the other girls in your office are with you. Somewhere between your office and the warehouse.
She's obviously kilig about it. She'll make you drive her car. Told her why do that... her answer: because she'll get distracted.
She's making the moves...
It's killing me.
I am jealous.
–––––
A party was hosted by your boss last Wednesday in celebration of their anniversary and to share his happiness and news about his trip to Indonesia. Some got promoted, some got an increase... plans are exposed. Many got drunk.
Hard, beer, Sprite... booze is all over the room.
I left you along with the other people with her. Someone's making some move (jokingly or seriously, I don't care!) at her. He's a colleague of yours. She doesn't like him or the idea of the dancing and teasing. The next day, she YM-ed and texted me... she caught you looking at her and she thinks you're making the moves.
Now... I am here... and I have to pretend that all is OK.
OK... darn! Who's O-K?
She's obviously kilig about it. She'll make you drive her car. Told her why do that... her answer: because she'll get distracted.
She's making the moves...
It's killing me.
I am jealous.
–––––
A party was hosted by your boss last Wednesday in celebration of their anniversary and to share his happiness and news about his trip to Indonesia. Some got promoted, some got an increase... plans are exposed. Many got drunk.
Hard, beer, Sprite... booze is all over the room.
I left you along with the other people with her. Someone's making some move (jokingly or seriously, I don't care!) at her. He's a colleague of yours. She doesn't like him or the idea of the dancing and teasing. The next day, she YM-ed and texted me... she caught you looking at her and she thinks you're making the moves.
Now... I am here... and I have to pretend that all is OK.
OK... darn! Who's O-K?
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