Mixed Emotions

I should have just shout my mouth... or rather, didn't bother asking you over SMS.

I am hurt as always... or was I?

I really don't know how I am feeling now or for tomorrow or the next coming days.

"Your mind doesn't said so?"
"You are not together but you're giving her the effort and attention?"

What the f...?!?

Hoping

Talking to Ernie made me realize a reason why I liked you more than any other men as of the moment…

You might be boastful at times, but it’s how you talk to me and talk me out of my over reacting situations that perhaps made me not get over you. That is definitely what I am missing right now. The time that we spent just talking… and lately, we are busy with work… and you with the girl that I am still trying to understand why you’re spending time with her when you tell me she isn’t your time and you don’t even like her face?

Still after that recent conversation we had… after I have told you how I despise the Eunice… how after we said goodbye, took a cab and texted everyone who’s so concern that it isn’t worth it… I’m still here, with hope that you’ll be mine or at least talk to me again last night after Pancho’s despedida party.

If I did tell you how I am feeling and being this gaga over you, will I get the peace of mine I deserve and definitely move on?

I need to be assured… but how?

All has always been a risk.

Denial

Why can’t I let you go? I have told myself over and over again––we can’t be together. No “we”. But you-me separately.

Most of my friends have been telling me that also.

Move on.
Let him go.
He isn’t good for you.
You deserve better than him.
He isn’t worth it.

My VBF hated you so much. Still defending you which makes him hated you much more. It isn’t your fault. It unfair that he judged you that quick when you have no idea why you are being hated.

You are out of this craziness I am in.

Craziness… why am I that into you? WHY? Have I really fallen in love with you?

I have to cut off everything that connects to you. I shouldn’t be concern if you are ok or where the hell you will be in the next 5 minutes. I shouldn’t be affected if you and the girl are together or if she makes you her personal driver.

Just awhile ago, I wanted to text you. I had to restrain myself. We just saw each other in your office a few hours ago. I even avoided kissing you like the usual greeting that we do before. But when I was about to go, our paths crossed and there…

And I live a few steps away from your office… literally.

I miss you so much.

I pretend that I am ok but I am forcing myself to move on and look away. Ignoring you seemed not to work. You knew… why can’t you just open it up and ask me? Ask me, then I will answer… hopefully.

How can I move on? My VBF is right… I really can’t get over you.

Self-preservation

Fucked up and confused, I still continue working and living of course. Tried hard even if it looks like a "routinary" life... I look forward and move on.

Moving on... does it mean closure?

We finally met up and talked personally. I still have not courage of professing the feelings I have for you but I know you know. We've been honest to each other as far as I know but I just can't spill the beans why I am hating Eunice personally and professionally. I came to see you not to confront but to comfort myself. I missed talking to you, being with you on "just nothing" occasions. I felt that she has taken you away from me. You know I am jealous. I may be joking it over our IM messages... all jokes are half-meant.

Now, we met up when she's out of the country...

I asked you over YM, over the phone and now upfront... if you're together. You said NO and have no plans of getting committed. I am confused that if you're not and have no plans to then why waste your time and energy?

There's no one else.

Huh?

Quite long conversation... you knew I hated her. From her acting as damsel in distress, from treating you as her driver (which you are letting him) and her work attitude. (I hate her most on the latter one) When I asked again if you like her you said "Ok lang"... such an overused word.

I have this mixed feelings that I understood you. But a part of me is still confused. But then again, you're a man and you are you somehow. I just wanted you to be careful and made you wonder why I am that concern? It's was the door that may be my chance to speak up... All was able to say was that I'm your friend, that's why.

I am such a loser...

Why am I having this reaction when at times I wanted to tell you how much I... sigh.

Thinking it over, it's the same reason as yours. one shouldn't make hasty decisions for it may be regretted later on. On my case, it will definitely affect my reputation and may trickle down to my work and my team. It was clear to me that when I asked you that if it weren't for her boss who teased and did the "professing" on the night of the Christmas party, you won't be doing all those things for her... you nodded and said YES.

My friends, specially this really dear gay friend of mine was quite furious of what had happened. I can feel his wrath even we conversed over IM. He wanted me to "close" it. By spilling the beans. They seemed not to understand. I do endure the pain. They're concern too I know, but it isn't that easy. They're right, it is I who will solve this.

I just told them I am moving on... he didn't believe me.

I apologized and told them I won't be bothering them anyone about you and expect that I won't mention you in any way. Some agreed, some... well...

I'm just happy and somehow satisfied with the evening. A good end of the month and somehow a little hope or "brightness" on the coming months... well, on on "us" but on how I'll be looking at it...

Self-preservation: protection oneself from harm... naturally or artificially––simplifying it, it's basically for survival.

Colliding Pillars

I am still enduring all the pain and anger. It consumes my energy and my time. I still can’t concentrate most of the time.

I miss talking to you. I miss having you around specially on these cases. I am looking for someone who would help me sort things out and straighten my thoughts.

I do indeed miss you.

I miss my friend.

I thought not telling you would save our friendship. But now I still had to avoid you and the girl. I hurts a lot. As much as I don’t want to be involved but it’s so hard to avoid seeing or even hearing things about you two.

I have to bear all the pain.

Restraining myself somehow succeeded in a couple of weeks. I am caught between work and personal feelings. I wish that the logical reasons are still powerful than the emotional one. But I am afraid that I won’t be sorting it out the “right” way. But one thing is for sure… I HATE her. Primarily because she’s putting my team in a bad light. I am seeing her real attitude. How she can be a player in all sorts of way. And secondly, of all people she’s with you.

It’s hard on me because you are my friend and you seemed not to see what we are seeing. I am caught in between… to tell you or not. Because you might be jaded by her already. And that you would take it against me. You’ll think I am jealous… yes I am. But I had to accept that you are with her and not with me. But…

Who would shed some light now?

I can’t even bear looking at you in fear that you might caught me because you see through me. You’ve seen me happy, mad and disappointed. I had to steal glances just to look at you. I know you were looking but I had to resist looking back.

Do you feel guilty? I don’t know. If you were, I wish just for once… you initiate the invitation. I want to talk. But I don’t want it to be coming from me… again.

Keeping It Steady

It's 3AM.

Went to the gym.

I had my nap hoping to recharge a bit.

And here I am staring at my monitor.

Yesterday was shaky, the other day was worse. It was work... or was I taking the situation and certain people "personally"? As far as I know, some people "close" to you are really unreasonable and I'm sorry (for using the term) plain stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

STUPID.

If there was an instance in your life you said, that "emotionally unstable" stage of yours, that time I remember you telling me that even a woman will not be spared from your wrath. Yesterday, I know I am capable to kill.

I wasn't joking when I texted you.

I hated when you seemed playing me around on SMS. It gives me that impression that you are NOT paying attention nor taking me seriously.

I am NOT her. Take note of that.

I miss you for all of what you are doing... and despite of what she is doing... in spite of what's happening.

I miss talking to you... and you know that. I miss you as a friend... my friend.

Someone has to keep me AWAY from her or anyone in relation to her (even you*). I may speak of something or worst, do something I might regret doing for the rest of my life. I have never been in this rage as far as I know. And I don't know to what extend I am capable of doing harm to others.

For all you know I may have the ability to raise hell on earth.

...

... and I am dead serious about it.

(*one of those last persons I don't want to be hurt or know being hurt)

Hello and Goodbye

My first letter and entry for the year... and you read it right from the title. I am saying goodbye...

After much thought and talks to my dear friends... it came to me tonight that my suffering has to end NOW. I have assumed to much and created my own fairy tale with the hopes that you ARE my knight in shining armor that would take me by your arms kind of thing...

But from the start I am not a princess sleeping that awaits your kiss, nor a trapped one waiting for your rescue. And not even a damsel in distress. I am an independent woman, plain and simple. Might be mudded at times but still I grew up cleaning my own mess.

The time knowing you was perhaps really heavenly. I’m glad it happened. And hoping it would preserve that way. So I had to stop before it became tainted with jealousy and envy.

Most are aware of Eunice... I know you are aware of how special you are to me. Perhaps, despite what you claim that she’s not your type, and that perhaps you are being nice, I can’t help it but think that you do with all the gestures you are doing for her.

Knowledge they say is power. But knowing what is happening between you two, weakens me inside... killing me. That’s why I am doing this. I have to save myself.

I may sound giving you up. But come to think of it, did I have you in the first place? I thought hanging there inducing all the pain may pay off. But the suffering isn’t worth it. Yes! I just said it and admitted it...

It’s NOT worth it.

I have a life before you came. Boring as it was, I’d rather go back to it than be miserable in the hopes of nothingness. I thought it would be brighter and lovelier when you are with me. But fate has it’s way of toying me around though she also made me realize that dreaming and hoping is too much.

I hated Eunice for expecting too much from you. She should have enjoyed every moment you spend with her because that could have been my time. I am hating her. I hated myself for being all so nice. But all has it’s limits. I will not be her bridge nor yours. I had to be selfish.

Perhaps I should thank her for coming in, as one of my dear friend told me. Because she was the instrument showing me that you are no different from just being a friend. From Jose, you are a jerk. But until now I am still defending you to them... that you are not what they think.

Maybe I did love you. Maybe I am still now. I don’t know really. All I know is that I like you more than a friend and that there was a time I wanted to take you in my arms and hug you till the world ends. Well, until now I still do. I’d be a hypocrite if I deny that I’d push you away if you come to me now... I’d be called stupid by my friends if I do that. But you won’t come to me, that’s for sure.

You were my inspiration then. The very reason for me having that stupid smile. And a good reason to get up, work and be online to chat with you. And with the hope that at the end of the day, we’ll see each other and have a beer or two. But that was then. Now it’s not.

True or not, you are just being nice. And to that, I thank you. You are still a gentleman, a man of your word, a dedicated employee, a responsible son and uncle... a reliable friend.

And those I want to keep.