I knew I'm right... I am f*cking right!
It's you and not Pancho that Eunice admires!
Darn!
This is one of those situations that I wish I'm NOT right!!!
I am having mixed emotions about it... I am affected. Denying it to Marie and Anne. I am acting OA again. But I just dunno what. I am jealous perhaps. And I feel awfully stupid as well :(
I am jealous of everyone... on everything!
Sigh.
O-A.
Why does it have to be you? You that I like... you that she likes...
Why does it have to be me? That she has to share it with... and keep it all to myself.
I have to pretend all is ok even though it's not. That all is fine and dainty.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think straight. I feel useless.
Wallflower... f*cking wallflower. Or a shadow.
Ouch.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Fans Club?
Here I am again...
Sigh.
Perhaps I am wearing an invisible signage on top of my head saying, "Psychologist: FREE Consulation" or "Confidant" or "Secret Keeper"...
At times I see it as an advantage... but right now, it isn't! I wish I never knew...
Eunice*, a co-worker of yours seemed to be opening up to me. And I have a very strong feeling of what she's about to share with me.
I wish my hunch is wrong... VERY wrong.
She's nice and all. My first impression of her was a big mistake. I thought she's a brat or suplada (snob). It's all the opposite as I see and get to know her more. And she isn't a model-type pretty but she carries herself well... even as she's a single mom.
A single mom... I wanted to be a mom too.
Sigh.
Perhaps I am wearing an invisible signage on top of my head saying, "Psychologist: FREE Consulation" or "Confidant" or "Secret Keeper"...
At times I see it as an advantage... but right now, it isn't! I wish I never knew...
Eunice*, a co-worker of yours seemed to be opening up to me. And I have a very strong feeling of what she's about to share with me.
I wish my hunch is wrong... VERY wrong.
She's nice and all. My first impression of her was a big mistake. I thought she's a brat or suplada (snob). It's all the opposite as I see and get to know her more. And she isn't a model-type pretty but she carries herself well... even as she's a single mom.
A single mom... I wanted to be a mom too.
Saturday, December 9, 2006
Caught Off Guard
It’s Saturday. And I’m still at Joseph’s house. Everyone here are quite busy. I think they’ll be going out for a mall show for the kids.
Had my breakfast with them. Lazy as I am on weekends, still I dragged myself up. I knew I still have a few errands to do and confirm an external project to fund my “holiday” expenses.
Guess by this time you are still sleeping. You said you are attending a stag party in this place known for beer and women that grant “wishes”. I, too have a date with my VBF for a chat and dinner. Told you if you’d like you can drop by after. You politely said you’ll try but you haven’t seen these guys for quite sometime but you’ll try. Told you to just drop me an SMS if your coming.
Politely you declined. Yes, I do read between the lines.
Let’s review… who knew that I do really like you: Peaches, Jose (of course), Riza, Anne and Rai. Though Joseph and Stephanie seemed to be sensing something… they’re starting to tease me *blushing*
Of course, I mentioned you again (and again) over dinner with my VBF. I told him I told Rai about my feelings for you and that I like you. You’ve met him/her before. My transvestite friend. He disapproved of you :( He said they better men out there for me, yada… yada… yada…
I knew this was coming.
And Jose agrees.
WHAT? This I didn’t see coming.
I thought…
I dwelled on this. He said there was something about you… and then tells me on getting ready, etc. etc… disappointments…
Well, one, I knew (but still had to accept FULLY) that you won’t be mine, MINE. That this letters I am doing are just for me to release my feelings. And secondly, I’m used to being disappointed in the end… and…
Oh…
Now, I remember. So that’s why Jose is pushing me to tell you straight up! To get it done and over with. Same thought with Anne and Peaches. But the girls, they understand the risk and how hard it would be. But…
Darn it!
I wasn’t able to defend you. Jose asked, to tell him an incident that you are to be trusted. There were lots of it… the time you are to resign, the time I hated Mai* for ruining our birthday celebration, the time I was to resign, our talks over coffee… you have this “skill” of making people speak up and me as one of them to open up and I think you are opening up somehow…
I was struck and numbed… now, I had to question myself? Is it worth it?
Had my breakfast with them. Lazy as I am on weekends, still I dragged myself up. I knew I still have a few errands to do and confirm an external project to fund my “holiday” expenses.
Guess by this time you are still sleeping. You said you are attending a stag party in this place known for beer and women that grant “wishes”. I, too have a date with my VBF for a chat and dinner. Told you if you’d like you can drop by after. You politely said you’ll try but you haven’t seen these guys for quite sometime but you’ll try. Told you to just drop me an SMS if your coming.
Politely you declined. Yes, I do read between the lines.
Let’s review… who knew that I do really like you: Peaches, Jose (of course), Riza, Anne and Rai. Though Joseph and Stephanie seemed to be sensing something… they’re starting to tease me *blushing*
Of course, I mentioned you again (and again) over dinner with my VBF. I told him I told Rai about my feelings for you and that I like you. You’ve met him/her before. My transvestite friend. He disapproved of you :( He said they better men out there for me, yada… yada… yada…
I knew this was coming.
And Jose agrees.
WHAT? This I didn’t see coming.
I thought…
I dwelled on this. He said there was something about you… and then tells me on getting ready, etc. etc… disappointments…
Well, one, I knew (but still had to accept FULLY) that you won’t be mine, MINE. That this letters I am doing are just for me to release my feelings. And secondly, I’m used to being disappointed in the end… and…
Oh…
Now, I remember. So that’s why Jose is pushing me to tell you straight up! To get it done and over with. Same thought with Anne and Peaches. But the girls, they understand the risk and how hard it would be. But…
Darn it!
I wasn’t able to defend you. Jose asked, to tell him an incident that you are to be trusted. There were lots of it… the time you are to resign, the time I hated Mai* for ruining our birthday celebration, the time I was to resign, our talks over coffee… you have this “skill” of making people speak up and me as one of them to open up and I think you are opening up somehow…
I was struck and numbed… now, I had to question myself? Is it worth it?
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Shaved and Naked?
I was still hyper despite the fact that I haven’t sleep yet. Happy that I am, I YM-ed each and everyone I saw in my list specially those who stayed with us. Sharing my kakulitan and all. Then I heard the news…
You’re now bald.
WHAT?!?
It was Pancho* who told me. I didn’t believe him at first. Because at 4AM, when we were all saying goodbyes, you still have hair! I even touched it before that. Complimenting that it’s nice and long. I even remember telling you way, way back then to cut your hair. Brave enough to comment that you look nice with your old short hair. But you replied to mind your own business, well, I wish it was a joke. But I was just being honest… perhaps too honest.
I remember you, the first time we met… you were wearing a baseball cap, seemed harassed for that event you were organizing… short, nicely clean-cut hair was peeked under the cap. After that, I never thought our paths will cross again. Until now…
Sigh…
I dunno what term is right… shaven, bald, hairless…… whatever!
I am shocked, no! Happy… no! Surprised… I really don’t know how and what I am feeling. I got used to seeing you in ponytail. I got used to greeting you and then stroking that tied, pulled back hair of yours. Am I assuming that you listened to me? I really don’t know.
I had to confirm from another person in your office. Peaches! Yes, Peaches! I was talking to her too. She knew. She’d be honest. And she confirmed. And I YM-ed you… you were still joking around. And asked you why, you just said lately you’ve becoming hot-headed and all. Ummm… I answered “literally and figuratively speaking?” You acknowledged with a wink. I demanded to see you over webcam.
And there you are, long-hair gone.
You’re now bald.
WHAT?!?
It was Pancho* who told me. I didn’t believe him at first. Because at 4AM, when we were all saying goodbyes, you still have hair! I even touched it before that. Complimenting that it’s nice and long. I even remember telling you way, way back then to cut your hair. Brave enough to comment that you look nice with your old short hair. But you replied to mind your own business, well, I wish it was a joke. But I was just being honest… perhaps too honest.
I remember you, the first time we met… you were wearing a baseball cap, seemed harassed for that event you were organizing… short, nicely clean-cut hair was peeked under the cap. After that, I never thought our paths will cross again. Until now…
Sigh…
I dunno what term is right… shaven, bald, hairless…… whatever!
I am shocked, no! Happy… no! Surprised… I really don’t know how and what I am feeling. I got used to seeing you in ponytail. I got used to greeting you and then stroking that tied, pulled back hair of yours. Am I assuming that you listened to me? I really don’t know.
I had to confirm from another person in your office. Peaches! Yes, Peaches! I was talking to her too. She knew. She’d be honest. And she confirmed. And I YM-ed you… you were still joking around. And asked you why, you just said lately you’ve becoming hot-headed and all. Ummm… I answered “literally and figuratively speaking?” You acknowledged with a wink. I demanded to see you over webcam.
And there you are, long-hair gone.
Unavoidable Truth
Staying away from you is really a HARD thing to do. Besides, there will always be at least a day in a week than our paths will cross…
Might as well embrace the truth that you will be that person for me until someone (if not really you) will be the one to fill the “gap”.
–––––
I just came from a short nap. Hoping to regain lack of sleep due to staying in your office till 4AM in preparing some marketing material for one of your products, a few hours that I need to attend my college friends wedding AND host it with my VBF.
And I thought I wouldn’t survive 2 straight days? WOW!!! Both work and wedding was a blast!
Admit it… you stayed too… helped out and my heart is thankful and “personally” glad you stayed. ‘Nuff explanation. Isn’t it too obvious? But really, both events turned out well. So hyper sharing to my other colleagues what they missed out, how we worked and how I got myself 2 pairs of shoes a few hours before the wedding.
The wedding turned out very well. Though my feet still feel sore until now, I didn’t feel ashamed of what I am wearing, in hosting and just being there. I felt happy for the couple. You can see that in our other friends’ faces too. The love and the wedding is really authentic. Love there is not fabricated…
Weird thing is, I thought of you there in the midst of somehow a reunion with our friends in college we’ve never seen since after graduation.
I did wish you were there, with me. I wonder how you feel about weddings?
For the first time, I hosted. For the first time, I am excited to join the ladies in the catching of bouquet. For the first time, I had this longing of getting married (well, this one occurred for perhaps 5 mins!). For the first time, I am not shamed of what people thought of me (and stared at me) when I removed my heeled-pointed shoes and take note… walked around! ;)
It’s an accomplishment for me :)
Tired, yet I don’t mind. I felt light, good and happy! It’s just this f*cking sore-numb feet are torturing me!
Might as well embrace the truth that you will be that person for me until someone (if not really you) will be the one to fill the “gap”.
–––––
I just came from a short nap. Hoping to regain lack of sleep due to staying in your office till 4AM in preparing some marketing material for one of your products, a few hours that I need to attend my college friends wedding AND host it with my VBF.
And I thought I wouldn’t survive 2 straight days? WOW!!! Both work and wedding was a blast!
Admit it… you stayed too… helped out and my heart is thankful and “personally” glad you stayed. ‘Nuff explanation. Isn’t it too obvious? But really, both events turned out well. So hyper sharing to my other colleagues what they missed out, how we worked and how I got myself 2 pairs of shoes a few hours before the wedding.
The wedding turned out very well. Though my feet still feel sore until now, I didn’t feel ashamed of what I am wearing, in hosting and just being there. I felt happy for the couple. You can see that in our other friends’ faces too. The love and the wedding is really authentic. Love there is not fabricated…
Weird thing is, I thought of you there in the midst of somehow a reunion with our friends in college we’ve never seen since after graduation.
I did wish you were there, with me. I wonder how you feel about weddings?
For the first time, I hosted. For the first time, I am excited to join the ladies in the catching of bouquet. For the first time, I had this longing of getting married (well, this one occurred for perhaps 5 mins!). For the first time, I am not shamed of what people thought of me (and stared at me) when I removed my heeled-pointed shoes and take note… walked around! ;)
It’s an accomplishment for me :)
Tired, yet I don’t mind. I felt light, good and happy! It’s just this f*cking sore-numb feet are torturing me!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Forgiveness
Am I that… urgh…
Ok. I ate my word again. I the you last week and now here I am again… liking you.
Why can’t I resist not inviting you out? What is it with your tough attitude that drive me nuts?
*Pancho joined us last night. You who’s just a few blocks away from the meeting place is late. Well, at least you came… and I got a kiss (a peck on the cheeks actually).
Topic is work again. Mostly good news and laying out of cards… you like how Pancho and *Peaches work. You gave your support to them, and free advice. You who’s a known snob in terms of work attitude… I am happy that you are extending your hand and opening your picket fences to your other colleagues.
A few of your selected colleagues ;)
I never had a chance of cornering you. I mean, just you and me to go out. Well, yesterday was a chance but I am such a coward. I texted and invited * Pancho and *Anne. Too bad Anna was so tired, she declined the invitation.
How come I wanted to hate you yet I couldn’t resist you?!
ARGH!
I listen as you and Pancho talk your heart out. You even shared some of our previous conversations with him. I am quiet. I listen… and speak to you in my thoughts…
It’s bad to stare… I know! Sorry if you catch me doing so :(
I’m just happy to know, that despite you being a snob on work, you are busy with work. I mean, finally, you are enjoying your assignment. You are excited about it. It’s your moment to shine? Sounds mushy but well, this might be the break… your break. And I don’t want to meddle nor be a distraction. As if… :p
After we finished the beer tower, and waited for the couple next table to go. I planned ahead that I’d be passing by Starbucks to get my “sticker”… for the planner thing Ü And was hoping you get my cue to stay with me…
And thank the heavens, you kind of get the hint. I had you for myself for almost an hour. Though work is still the topic, I’m still happy being with you. The little me inside just can’t stop jumping around.
And you think I am drunk. Hahaha! I’m just acting, pretending so you’d stay :p
Sigh. What is it with you, ah… Mr. B…
(God! All these times I’m talking to you I never gave you a name!)
… why can’t I get you out of my system?!
Ok. I ate my word again. I the you last week and now here I am again… liking you.
Why can’t I resist not inviting you out? What is it with your tough attitude that drive me nuts?
*Pancho joined us last night. You who’s just a few blocks away from the meeting place is late. Well, at least you came… and I got a kiss (a peck on the cheeks actually).
Topic is work again. Mostly good news and laying out of cards… you like how Pancho and *Peaches work. You gave your support to them, and free advice. You who’s a known snob in terms of work attitude… I am happy that you are extending your hand and opening your picket fences to your other colleagues.
A few of your selected colleagues ;)
I never had a chance of cornering you. I mean, just you and me to go out. Well, yesterday was a chance but I am such a coward. I texted and invited * Pancho and *Anne. Too bad Anna was so tired, she declined the invitation.
How come I wanted to hate you yet I couldn’t resist you?!
ARGH!
I listen as you and Pancho talk your heart out. You even shared some of our previous conversations with him. I am quiet. I listen… and speak to you in my thoughts…
It’s bad to stare… I know! Sorry if you catch me doing so :(
I’m just happy to know, that despite you being a snob on work, you are busy with work. I mean, finally, you are enjoying your assignment. You are excited about it. It’s your moment to shine? Sounds mushy but well, this might be the break… your break. And I don’t want to meddle nor be a distraction. As if… :p
After we finished the beer tower, and waited for the couple next table to go. I planned ahead that I’d be passing by Starbucks to get my “sticker”… for the planner thing Ü And was hoping you get my cue to stay with me…
And thank the heavens, you kind of get the hint. I had you for myself for almost an hour. Though work is still the topic, I’m still happy being with you. The little me inside just can’t stop jumping around.
And you think I am drunk. Hahaha! I’m just acting, pretending so you’d stay :p
Sigh. What is it with you, ah… Mr. B…
(God! All these times I’m talking to you I never gave you a name!)
… why can’t I get you out of my system?!
Friday, November 10, 2006
Disappointment
I am buried with work and thank God for such a chance.
Yup! I am thanking for the tons of work assigned to me. Are you shocked? Don’t be. I see it as a help… as my remedy…
To get over you.
–––––
I didn’t like what you said over YM. I accepted the invitation of your colleague and joined you guys primarily and honestly, when you confirmed you’re going to be there. I was happy then. I get to go out that night, free drinks and you’re there.
Take note: I was happy.
All, well, most actually are “surprised” when I came ALONE. What is it shocking about me joining you guys or having a night out by myself, without my team?
I took that as a compliment and an insult.
Then again, I am overreacting. I know.
You broke your vow that you’d quit smoking. I asked you nicely in Fiama. You just said you’d quit when you have a kid… huh? And then, you said it’s not you I’m talking to.
I asked nicely… as far as I know. And what did I get?
That you don’t divulge all information…
FUCK.
All along I thought we were good. At least…
I am overreacting but… still… I am disappointed. I am hurt.
May be I should just leave you alone.
Yup! I am thanking for the tons of work assigned to me. Are you shocked? Don’t be. I see it as a help… as my remedy…
To get over you.
–––––
I didn’t like what you said over YM. I accepted the invitation of your colleague and joined you guys primarily and honestly, when you confirmed you’re going to be there. I was happy then. I get to go out that night, free drinks and you’re there.
Take note: I was happy.
All, well, most actually are “surprised” when I came ALONE. What is it shocking about me joining you guys or having a night out by myself, without my team?
I took that as a compliment and an insult.
Then again, I am overreacting. I know.
You broke your vow that you’d quit smoking. I asked you nicely in Fiama. You just said you’d quit when you have a kid… huh? And then, you said it’s not you I’m talking to.
I asked nicely… as far as I know. And what did I get?
That you don’t divulge all information…
FUCK.
All along I thought we were good. At least…
I am overreacting but… still… I am disappointed. I am hurt.
May be I should just leave you alone.
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