Sunday, January 28, 2007

Colliding Pillars

I am still enduring all the pain and anger. It consumes my energy and my time. I still can’t concentrate most of the time.

I miss talking to you. I miss having you around specially on these cases. I am looking for someone who would help me sort things out and straighten my thoughts.

I do indeed miss you.

I miss my friend.

I thought not telling you would save our friendship. But now I still had to avoid you and the girl. I hurts a lot. As much as I don’t want to be involved but it’s so hard to avoid seeing or even hearing things about you two.

I have to bear all the pain.

Restraining myself somehow succeeded in a couple of weeks. I am caught between work and personal feelings. I wish that the logical reasons are still powerful than the emotional one. But I am afraid that I won’t be sorting it out the “right” way. But one thing is for sure… I HATE her. Primarily because she’s putting my team in a bad light. I am seeing her real attitude. How she can be a player in all sorts of way. And secondly, of all people she’s with you.

It’s hard on me because you are my friend and you seemed not to see what we are seeing. I am caught in between… to tell you or not. Because you might be jaded by her already. And that you would take it against me. You’ll think I am jealous… yes I am. But I had to accept that you are with her and not with me. But…

Who would shed some light now?

I can’t even bear looking at you in fear that you might caught me because you see through me. You’ve seen me happy, mad and disappointed. I had to steal glances just to look at you. I know you were looking but I had to resist looking back.

Do you feel guilty? I don’t know. If you were, I wish just for once… you initiate the invitation. I want to talk. But I don’t want it to be coming from me… again.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Keeping It Steady

It's 3AM.

Went to the gym.

I had my nap hoping to recharge a bit.

And here I am staring at my monitor.

Yesterday was shaky, the other day was worse. It was work... or was I taking the situation and certain people "personally"? As far as I know, some people "close" to you are really unreasonable and I'm sorry (for using the term) plain stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

STUPID.

If there was an instance in your life you said, that "emotionally unstable" stage of yours, that time I remember you telling me that even a woman will not be spared from your wrath. Yesterday, I know I am capable to kill.

I wasn't joking when I texted you.

I hated when you seemed playing me around on SMS. It gives me that impression that you are NOT paying attention nor taking me seriously.

I am NOT her. Take note of that.

I miss you for all of what you are doing... and despite of what she is doing... in spite of what's happening.

I miss talking to you... and you know that. I miss you as a friend... my friend.

Someone has to keep me AWAY from her or anyone in relation to her (even you*). I may speak of something or worst, do something I might regret doing for the rest of my life. I have never been in this rage as far as I know. And I don't know to what extend I am capable of doing harm to others.

For all you know I may have the ability to raise hell on earth.

...

... and I am dead serious about it.

(*one of those last persons I don't want to be hurt or know being hurt)

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Hello and Goodbye

My first letter and entry for the year... and you read it right from the title. I am saying goodbye...

After much thought and talks to my dear friends... it came to me tonight that my suffering has to end NOW. I have assumed to much and created my own fairy tale with the hopes that you ARE my knight in shining armor that would take me by your arms kind of thing...

But from the start I am not a princess sleeping that awaits your kiss, nor a trapped one waiting for your rescue. And not even a damsel in distress. I am an independent woman, plain and simple. Might be mudded at times but still I grew up cleaning my own mess.

The time knowing you was perhaps really heavenly. I’m glad it happened. And hoping it would preserve that way. So I had to stop before it became tainted with jealousy and envy.

Most are aware of Eunice... I know you are aware of how special you are to me. Perhaps, despite what you claim that she’s not your type, and that perhaps you are being nice, I can’t help it but think that you do with all the gestures you are doing for her.

Knowledge they say is power. But knowing what is happening between you two, weakens me inside... killing me. That’s why I am doing this. I have to save myself.

I may sound giving you up. But come to think of it, did I have you in the first place? I thought hanging there inducing all the pain may pay off. But the suffering isn’t worth it. Yes! I just said it and admitted it...

It’s NOT worth it.

I have a life before you came. Boring as it was, I’d rather go back to it than be miserable in the hopes of nothingness. I thought it would be brighter and lovelier when you are with me. But fate has it’s way of toying me around though she also made me realize that dreaming and hoping is too much.

I hated Eunice for expecting too much from you. She should have enjoyed every moment you spend with her because that could have been my time. I am hating her. I hated myself for being all so nice. But all has it’s limits. I will not be her bridge nor yours. I had to be selfish.

Perhaps I should thank her for coming in, as one of my dear friend told me. Because she was the instrument showing me that you are no different from just being a friend. From Jose, you are a jerk. But until now I am still defending you to them... that you are not what they think.

Maybe I did love you. Maybe I am still now. I don’t know really. All I know is that I like you more than a friend and that there was a time I wanted to take you in my arms and hug you till the world ends. Well, until now I still do. I’d be a hypocrite if I deny that I’d push you away if you come to me now... I’d be called stupid by my friends if I do that. But you won’t come to me, that’s for sure.

You were my inspiration then. The very reason for me having that stupid smile. And a good reason to get up, work and be online to chat with you. And with the hope that at the end of the day, we’ll see each other and have a beer or two. But that was then. Now it’s not.

True or not, you are just being nice. And to that, I thank you. You are still a gentleman, a man of your word, a dedicated employee, a responsible son and uncle... a reliable friend.

And those I want to keep.