Today is the last day of 2006. All will be busy including me. Since Nanay is not in the house, I have to step up and do the decision-making and the prepping up for new year’s eve. Nothing much… still it’s work.
I dunno what you are up to. Don’t want to bombard you with text messages. I won’t be wasting my peso on you again because you won’t reply anyway.
We both have demons to face and battle with… so that’s just it. To each his own ways… for now.
I’ve always told you that if you’ll be needing my help just say so…
Hopefully 2007 will be a different one for both of us. Good things hopefully lie ahead for us next year.
Happy New Year… and take care…
… and you still remain nameless here.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Coming Back and Hoping
After tomorrow, 2007 is here. What shall I be in that year? Would I still be crazy in love with you or over you?
Crazy in love with you… or am I still in love with the concept of love?
I just came back last night from my “adventure”. The unplanned road trip for Zambales. I went there alone after giving up of dragging anyone I thought of. I planned not to tell you but what the heck, it was the same.
I really wanted to go to the beach before the year ends. I’ve been craving for it for the past weeks. I have such attraction to water. Well, Scorpios are water sign. Of all people, you should know that, being a Scorpio too.
Anyway, I was with you, Pancho, Eunice and that new guy in your office. I had spent the whole day with Frances*, an old friend and colleague of mine in my children’s Organization. She was suppose to accompany me for the beach trip but her boss is holding her neck. Too bad, she’s a beach lover too. I decided to drop by your office to see if I could extend a hand in Nick’s* event the next day. I was aware that you’re there and Eunice as well. Pancho warned me. He also told me that you guys seemed to have some plan of drinking after office and Pancho asked me if I’d like to join. He was out of the office but promised to follow wherever we are.
I have hesitations but still, I joined. Making Pancho sort of happy aftert he talk we had last night. I love that kid!
At first you guys were somehow “unsure”. Eunice had other plans BUT cancelled it learning the dinner and drinking is a go. You said you have previous engagement but decided to come too, learning I’ll be staying till 8pm? Or was it just my assumption? Whatever!
My plan of staying till 8 became 10. Pancho came in as fast as he could because I kept on texting him. Hahaha! Eat a little, but never drink nor smoke… tempted but controlled it. I am to go home and prepare my things for my Zambales trip the next day.
You were teasing me. I dunno if you are serious or not, that if I only asked you and we planned ahead you could have come with me? Was I dreaming? Anne knows that I have plans of following Joseph in Bicol and wanted to ask if you’d like to come with me? I hesitated to ask. And now… hmmm… I just hope next time IF I plan to getaway you’d say “yes”…
I came back from a satisfied adventure. I made it! I am proud of myself and texted you. Well, you texted first the night I reached the place. Something about you are happy that you are being consulted by the newbies on organizing the event. But you never replied after I texted you back. Sigh.
I made it, I’m back. I feel recharged. Hopefully I’d be a better person next year. Hopefully I get to control my temper. Hopefully I get to be selfish yet reasonable enough to be understood. Hopefully I’ll have my own life that I control next year…
Hopefully, if we won’t be together at least we’ll be the closest friends… best friends…
Hopefully…
Crazy in love with you… or am I still in love with the concept of love?
I just came back last night from my “adventure”. The unplanned road trip for Zambales. I went there alone after giving up of dragging anyone I thought of. I planned not to tell you but what the heck, it was the same.
I really wanted to go to the beach before the year ends. I’ve been craving for it for the past weeks. I have such attraction to water. Well, Scorpios are water sign. Of all people, you should know that, being a Scorpio too.
Anyway, I was with you, Pancho, Eunice and that new guy in your office. I had spent the whole day with Frances*, an old friend and colleague of mine in my children’s Organization. She was suppose to accompany me for the beach trip but her boss is holding her neck. Too bad, she’s a beach lover too. I decided to drop by your office to see if I could extend a hand in Nick’s* event the next day. I was aware that you’re there and Eunice as well. Pancho warned me. He also told me that you guys seemed to have some plan of drinking after office and Pancho asked me if I’d like to join. He was out of the office but promised to follow wherever we are.
I have hesitations but still, I joined. Making Pancho sort of happy aftert he talk we had last night. I love that kid!
At first you guys were somehow “unsure”. Eunice had other plans BUT cancelled it learning the dinner and drinking is a go. You said you have previous engagement but decided to come too, learning I’ll be staying till 8pm? Or was it just my assumption? Whatever!
My plan of staying till 8 became 10. Pancho came in as fast as he could because I kept on texting him. Hahaha! Eat a little, but never drink nor smoke… tempted but controlled it. I am to go home and prepare my things for my Zambales trip the next day.
You were teasing me. I dunno if you are serious or not, that if I only asked you and we planned ahead you could have come with me? Was I dreaming? Anne knows that I have plans of following Joseph in Bicol and wanted to ask if you’d like to come with me? I hesitated to ask. And now… hmmm… I just hope next time IF I plan to getaway you’d say “yes”…
I came back from a satisfied adventure. I made it! I am proud of myself and texted you. Well, you texted first the night I reached the place. Something about you are happy that you are being consulted by the newbies on organizing the event. But you never replied after I texted you back. Sigh.
I made it, I’m back. I feel recharged. Hopefully I’d be a better person next year. Hopefully I get to control my temper. Hopefully I get to be selfish yet reasonable enough to be understood. Hopefully I’ll have my own life that I control next year…
Hopefully, if we won’t be together at least we’ll be the closest friends… best friends…
Hopefully…
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Realization
I couldn’t help it. I had to talk to someone…
I called Pancho.
Told him everything… first guy, younger than us to learn about me being into you. Shit.
Let’s make this short and sweet… one thing struck me with all the things he said: I should NOT tell you. From a point of view of a man… situation will be awkward.
True enough.
My plan was that he’ll be somehow helping me know how you definitely feel for Eunice. Learning if you two are having some mutual understanding, then I will definitely ummm… be happy for you two? No, selfishly, I’d know my stand and will not pursue. Because Eunice is a person that “fights”, and I’m not the type.
Why?
Comes my next realization that Pancho and I share: Reputation. I came from me too, as he said it… I may not be the most beautiful or the sexiest woman you’d ever knew but I have a name to protect and will be keeping it that way for as long as I live. I may have the ideology of a “manang” or an old-fashion Filipina that won’t surprise anyone if I’d stay single till I die because of that ideology… but that’s how I believe I am and would be hard for me to change it. Because I wasn’t raised to be other than that.
But Pancho, backed off. He doesn’t want to be involved as I understand it. But his words stayed to me and realized a lot. I mean, thank God I talked to him or else I may have regretted something that is remorseful!
“Go with the flow. Don’t rush. There will always be someone for somebody… in due time.”
Sigh. If I could only argue with him on that statement… but… sigh.
Pancho, being young himself seemed to be wiser for his age. But there’s one thing I was kind of confused… one of his initial statements… something like “different perception” or something like that…
I like hugging this kid… gentle giant as he is. Like a little brother I never had ;)
I called Pancho.
Told him everything… first guy, younger than us to learn about me being into you. Shit.
Let’s make this short and sweet… one thing struck me with all the things he said: I should NOT tell you. From a point of view of a man… situation will be awkward.
True enough.
My plan was that he’ll be somehow helping me know how you definitely feel for Eunice. Learning if you two are having some mutual understanding, then I will definitely ummm… be happy for you two? No, selfishly, I’d know my stand and will not pursue. Because Eunice is a person that “fights”, and I’m not the type.
Why?
Comes my next realization that Pancho and I share: Reputation. I came from me too, as he said it… I may not be the most beautiful or the sexiest woman you’d ever knew but I have a name to protect and will be keeping it that way for as long as I live. I may have the ideology of a “manang” or an old-fashion Filipina that won’t surprise anyone if I’d stay single till I die because of that ideology… but that’s how I believe I am and would be hard for me to change it. Because I wasn’t raised to be other than that.
But Pancho, backed off. He doesn’t want to be involved as I understand it. But his words stayed to me and realized a lot. I mean, thank God I talked to him or else I may have regretted something that is remorseful!
“Go with the flow. Don’t rush. There will always be someone for somebody… in due time.”
Sigh. If I could only argue with him on that statement… but… sigh.
Pancho, being young himself seemed to be wiser for his age. But there’s one thing I was kind of confused… one of his initial statements… something like “different perception” or something like that…
I like hugging this kid… gentle giant as he is. Like a little brother I never had ;)
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Disoriented
I skipped blogging for more than 2 weeks. As proven, we try to forget bad things that happened and try to remember good things alone. Yes. I am still denying it, yet it’s been haunting me once in awhile what I learned a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps now is a right time to admit it and put it in writing.
I have lost my bearings more compared to just being struck and numb. It’s quite true now that there are things better left as a secret. I mean, we wanted to know ALL things right… but there are definitely things better be kept away from your knowledge.
How do I put all my thoughts into words?... Let’s go through it backwards.
Yesterday was Christmas… given up from you for not greeting me. Was it a sign that I should definitely back off? I was restless. I knew I was sleepy but I was unable to located Mr. Sandman for that matter. I was awaken by my SMS alert and there you were. Texting me… ”Huli man ang magaling… naihahabol din! Merry xmas!u” … I was really edgy few hours prior of you texting. I texted you back… no answer. Very typical of you. And looking at the “u”… perhaps you’re thoughts are having some freestyle or backstroke in the pool of beer or alcohol you texted.
Sigh.
I decided to tell you how I feel for you. I mean, admit that you are somehow “special”. But I have to find the right time… proper timing. I knew you have some other issues to deal with right now, like family matters and all that. It was 4 votes against 1. And it was Anne who objected. Her points were clear too. But considering I was OK without you before… what shall I lose now? I mean, I am not after taking what we have now to the next level. Well, that would be a bonus if I’m lucky enough that I am that special. But as Jose warned me, expect the WORST. Losing our friendship, or whatever we have now. But that I have to risk. Accept your react, maturely. But I have to prioritize the most it can do for myself. It’s about time I speak up… and have peace.
Why did it lead me to such decision? December 18, Monday… Intra’s Christmas Party at Music Match… approximately, half past 11pm. The whole Intra knew Eunice likes you. I need not elaborate it here. I will carry that scenario in the years left of my lifetime! Evidences in photographs are sooo clear. I cried. Tried to hide it but I definitely know now that you knew. Because you texted me…
That moment, I have no one to run to. I was tipsy… no! I AM drunk and emotionally unstable. I had to text Stephanie who was the most sane person that night. She’s not under any influence of alcohol nor was she smoking. That night was the start of my restlessness and confusion…
It’s hard to be always the “nice one” and the “entrusted one”. I always get to have the blow by blow accounts of her plans, her thoughts and action on you. I thought knowing was half the battle. But such knowledge, every inch and detail of it… kills me. These is one of those things that I WISH I just never knew… I really WISHED I can just go away unnoticed and be invisible.
I lost my thoughts… That how disoriented I am. I wish it would that easy with you… I could just easily lost you and my feelings for you… but it isn’t.
You used to be an inspiration. The source of that oddly smile stuck on my face. But now…
Is it that serious now that I am sooo affected by the events? Never felt such in any of my previous “inspirations”…
Is it really that… deep?
I have lost my bearings more compared to just being struck and numb. It’s quite true now that there are things better left as a secret. I mean, we wanted to know ALL things right… but there are definitely things better be kept away from your knowledge.
How do I put all my thoughts into words?... Let’s go through it backwards.
Yesterday was Christmas… given up from you for not greeting me. Was it a sign that I should definitely back off? I was restless. I knew I was sleepy but I was unable to located Mr. Sandman for that matter. I was awaken by my SMS alert and there you were. Texting me… ”Huli man ang magaling… naihahabol din! Merry xmas!u” … I was really edgy few hours prior of you texting. I texted you back… no answer. Very typical of you. And looking at the “u”… perhaps you’re thoughts are having some freestyle or backstroke in the pool of beer or alcohol you texted.
Sigh.
I decided to tell you how I feel for you. I mean, admit that you are somehow “special”. But I have to find the right time… proper timing. I knew you have some other issues to deal with right now, like family matters and all that. It was 4 votes against 1. And it was Anne who objected. Her points were clear too. But considering I was OK without you before… what shall I lose now? I mean, I am not after taking what we have now to the next level. Well, that would be a bonus if I’m lucky enough that I am that special. But as Jose warned me, expect the WORST. Losing our friendship, or whatever we have now. But that I have to risk. Accept your react, maturely. But I have to prioritize the most it can do for myself. It’s about time I speak up… and have peace.
Why did it lead me to such decision? December 18, Monday… Intra’s Christmas Party at Music Match… approximately, half past 11pm. The whole Intra knew Eunice likes you. I need not elaborate it here. I will carry that scenario in the years left of my lifetime! Evidences in photographs are sooo clear. I cried. Tried to hide it but I definitely know now that you knew. Because you texted me…
That moment, I have no one to run to. I was tipsy… no! I AM drunk and emotionally unstable. I had to text Stephanie who was the most sane person that night. She’s not under any influence of alcohol nor was she smoking. That night was the start of my restlessness and confusion…
It’s hard to be always the “nice one” and the “entrusted one”. I always get to have the blow by blow accounts of her plans, her thoughts and action on you. I thought knowing was half the battle. But such knowledge, every inch and detail of it… kills me. These is one of those things that I WISH I just never knew… I really WISHED I can just go away unnoticed and be invisible.
I lost my thoughts… That how disoriented I am. I wish it would that easy with you… I could just easily lost you and my feelings for you… but it isn’t.
You used to be an inspiration. The source of that oddly smile stuck on my face. But now…
Is it that serious now that I am sooo affected by the events? Never felt such in any of my previous “inspirations”…
Is it really that… deep?
Thursday, December 21, 2006
"Crying" It
My last week at work and I am still “lost” of what has happened a few days ago…
I still have to work but I am sooooo useless…
Christmas is sooo near, yet I feel… blank.
It’s a week of meeting up with friends, get-togethers, Christmas parties… dinners, etc… etc…
I have been to videoke or karaoke with different sets of friends. From client-friends to ex-officemates turned to friends… but all the same, I DON’T sing. I munch in the food, drink the beers I can induce and smoke till my lungs give up.
But last night was different.
I am with my Batibot ladies… had dinner and of course, karaoke should never be off our list. I have been out of touch from these two ladies but when we see each other, it still the same. We giggle. We laugh. We talk. But it’s not just me who noticed that I AM different. Different in a that I actually SING.
Yes! I sang till my larynx or whatever part of that throat is about to break. I sang like I was the only one in that room. I felt no shame. I am not shy. I just feel like singing. I proudly grabbed the songbook and search for familiar songs… then punched the numbers.
I practically sang…
I SANG….
Not 1 song, not 2 or 3… not just 10 I suppose…
I felt satisfied singing last night. I feel happy. And my friends felt it too. They were happy. They said that I finally “let go”… I was confused with their term. But they said, I am finally enjoying it… TOTALLY enjoying karaoke. That sounded good too… felt somehow alive. It’s like, something or someone just came out of me!
I just sang my heart out… and it felt good. F*ckingly good.
I still have to work but I am sooooo useless…
Christmas is sooo near, yet I feel… blank.
It’s a week of meeting up with friends, get-togethers, Christmas parties… dinners, etc… etc…
I have been to videoke or karaoke with different sets of friends. From client-friends to ex-officemates turned to friends… but all the same, I DON’T sing. I munch in the food, drink the beers I can induce and smoke till my lungs give up.
But last night was different.
I am with my Batibot ladies… had dinner and of course, karaoke should never be off our list. I have been out of touch from these two ladies but when we see each other, it still the same. We giggle. We laugh. We talk. But it’s not just me who noticed that I AM different. Different in a that I actually SING.
Yes! I sang till my larynx or whatever part of that throat is about to break. I sang like I was the only one in that room. I felt no shame. I am not shy. I just feel like singing. I proudly grabbed the songbook and search for familiar songs… then punched the numbers.
I practically sang…
I SANG….
Not 1 song, not 2 or 3… not just 10 I suppose…
I felt satisfied singing last night. I feel happy. And my friends felt it too. They were happy. They said that I finally “let go”… I was confused with their term. But they said, I am finally enjoying it… TOTALLY enjoying karaoke. That sounded good too… felt somehow alive. It’s like, something or someone just came out of me!
I just sang my heart out… and it felt good. F*ckingly good.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Sessions
I had to say I am happy that we had dinner along with your old officemates and friends last night. Anne was there of course. Texted her when I realized I'm the only one not really part of the group. I mean, the fear of being out of place and that awkward moment... she just told me, as usual... I am overacting!
You got your gift earlier than I expected. Since the ladies had theirs, why wait for Monday during your office's Christmas party to have yours. You and the ladies are quite anxious to open the packages. Good thing no one pursued doing it or else, I'll be caught that I favored you more.
But isn't it obvious?
From 7pm to 2am we were together. Recalling what we were talking about last night, makes me smile oddly. There are "hot seats" at the time. Questions came up ONLY at moments when people get some alcohol into their system. With that thought now, I decided that I'd better keep all of it to myself rather than write it down here. In the first place, we are all drunk last night. It can easily be denied or ignored anyhow. I don't know if Anne is trying to push me to speak up but I know it's not the right time.
The ladies decided to have a little shot of caffeine before we all call it a night. I thought you were coming. But you just said you're tired and needs to rest. You usually stay with me for a little more chat over coffee. You knew I don't want you to go but still... perhaps you knew I'll be fine since I still have company.
I know you had a previous engagement. I think it's a Christmas party of an org of yours. I heard you talking to someone on your mobile last night. You made an excuse for not joining them. Thanks for staying. Really appreciate it Ü
With my recent issue now, one thing's clear... (with 2 witnesses with me) Eunice is not your type.
You got your gift earlier than I expected. Since the ladies had theirs, why wait for Monday during your office's Christmas party to have yours. You and the ladies are quite anxious to open the packages. Good thing no one pursued doing it or else, I'll be caught that I favored you more.
But isn't it obvious?
From 7pm to 2am we were together. Recalling what we were talking about last night, makes me smile oddly. There are "hot seats" at the time. Questions came up ONLY at moments when people get some alcohol into their system. With that thought now, I decided that I'd better keep all of it to myself rather than write it down here. In the first place, we are all drunk last night. It can easily be denied or ignored anyhow. I don't know if Anne is trying to push me to speak up but I know it's not the right time.
The ladies decided to have a little shot of caffeine before we all call it a night. I thought you were coming. But you just said you're tired and needs to rest. You usually stay with me for a little more chat over coffee. You knew I don't want you to go but still... perhaps you knew I'll be fine since I still have company.
I know you had a previous engagement. I think it's a Christmas party of an org of yours. I heard you talking to someone on your mobile last night. You made an excuse for not joining them. Thanks for staying. Really appreciate it Ü
With my recent issue now, one thing's clear... (with 2 witnesses with me) Eunice is not your type.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Distracted
Eunice just called up. Telling me she and the other girls in your office are with you. Somewhere between your office and the warehouse.
She's obviously kilig about it. She'll make you drive her car. Told her why do that... her answer: because she'll get distracted.
She's making the moves...
It's killing me.
I am jealous.
–––––
A party was hosted by your boss last Wednesday in celebration of their anniversary and to share his happiness and news about his trip to Indonesia. Some got promoted, some got an increase... plans are exposed. Many got drunk.
Hard, beer, Sprite... booze is all over the room.
I left you along with the other people with her. Someone's making some move (jokingly or seriously, I don't care!) at her. He's a colleague of yours. She doesn't like him or the idea of the dancing and teasing. The next day, she YM-ed and texted me... she caught you looking at her and she thinks you're making the moves.
Now... I am here... and I have to pretend that all is OK.
OK... darn! Who's O-K?
She's obviously kilig about it. She'll make you drive her car. Told her why do that... her answer: because she'll get distracted.
She's making the moves...
It's killing me.
I am jealous.
–––––
A party was hosted by your boss last Wednesday in celebration of their anniversary and to share his happiness and news about his trip to Indonesia. Some got promoted, some got an increase... plans are exposed. Many got drunk.
Hard, beer, Sprite... booze is all over the room.
I left you along with the other people with her. Someone's making some move (jokingly or seriously, I don't care!) at her. He's a colleague of yours. She doesn't like him or the idea of the dancing and teasing. The next day, she YM-ed and texted me... she caught you looking at her and she thinks you're making the moves.
Now... I am here... and I have to pretend that all is OK.
OK... darn! Who's O-K?
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Direct Hit
I knew I'm right... I am f*cking right!
It's you and not Pancho that Eunice admires!
Darn!
This is one of those situations that I wish I'm NOT right!!!
I am having mixed emotions about it... I am affected. Denying it to Marie and Anne. I am acting OA again. But I just dunno what. I am jealous perhaps. And I feel awfully stupid as well :(
I am jealous of everyone... on everything!
Sigh.
O-A.
Why does it have to be you? You that I like... you that she likes...
Why does it have to be me? That she has to share it with... and keep it all to myself.
I have to pretend all is ok even though it's not. That all is fine and dainty.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think straight. I feel useless.
Wallflower... f*cking wallflower. Or a shadow.
Ouch.
It's you and not Pancho that Eunice admires!
Darn!
This is one of those situations that I wish I'm NOT right!!!
I am having mixed emotions about it... I am affected. Denying it to Marie and Anne. I am acting OA again. But I just dunno what. I am jealous perhaps. And I feel awfully stupid as well :(
I am jealous of everyone... on everything!
Sigh.
O-A.
Why does it have to be you? You that I like... you that she likes...
Why does it have to be me? That she has to share it with... and keep it all to myself.
I have to pretend all is ok even though it's not. That all is fine and dainty.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think straight. I feel useless.
Wallflower... f*cking wallflower. Or a shadow.
Ouch.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Fans Club?
Here I am again...
Sigh.
Perhaps I am wearing an invisible signage on top of my head saying, "Psychologist: FREE Consulation" or "Confidant" or "Secret Keeper"...
At times I see it as an advantage... but right now, it isn't! I wish I never knew...
Eunice*, a co-worker of yours seemed to be opening up to me. And I have a very strong feeling of what she's about to share with me.
I wish my hunch is wrong... VERY wrong.
She's nice and all. My first impression of her was a big mistake. I thought she's a brat or suplada (snob). It's all the opposite as I see and get to know her more. And she isn't a model-type pretty but she carries herself well... even as she's a single mom.
A single mom... I wanted to be a mom too.
Sigh.
Perhaps I am wearing an invisible signage on top of my head saying, "Psychologist: FREE Consulation" or "Confidant" or "Secret Keeper"...
At times I see it as an advantage... but right now, it isn't! I wish I never knew...
Eunice*, a co-worker of yours seemed to be opening up to me. And I have a very strong feeling of what she's about to share with me.
I wish my hunch is wrong... VERY wrong.
She's nice and all. My first impression of her was a big mistake. I thought she's a brat or suplada (snob). It's all the opposite as I see and get to know her more. And she isn't a model-type pretty but she carries herself well... even as she's a single mom.
A single mom... I wanted to be a mom too.
Saturday, December 9, 2006
Caught Off Guard
It’s Saturday. And I’m still at Joseph’s house. Everyone here are quite busy. I think they’ll be going out for a mall show for the kids.
Had my breakfast with them. Lazy as I am on weekends, still I dragged myself up. I knew I still have a few errands to do and confirm an external project to fund my “holiday” expenses.
Guess by this time you are still sleeping. You said you are attending a stag party in this place known for beer and women that grant “wishes”. I, too have a date with my VBF for a chat and dinner. Told you if you’d like you can drop by after. You politely said you’ll try but you haven’t seen these guys for quite sometime but you’ll try. Told you to just drop me an SMS if your coming.
Politely you declined. Yes, I do read between the lines.
Let’s review… who knew that I do really like you: Peaches, Jose (of course), Riza, Anne and Rai. Though Joseph and Stephanie seemed to be sensing something… they’re starting to tease me *blushing*
Of course, I mentioned you again (and again) over dinner with my VBF. I told him I told Rai about my feelings for you and that I like you. You’ve met him/her before. My transvestite friend. He disapproved of you :( He said they better men out there for me, yada… yada… yada…
I knew this was coming.
And Jose agrees.
WHAT? This I didn’t see coming.
I thought…
I dwelled on this. He said there was something about you… and then tells me on getting ready, etc. etc… disappointments…
Well, one, I knew (but still had to accept FULLY) that you won’t be mine, MINE. That this letters I am doing are just for me to release my feelings. And secondly, I’m used to being disappointed in the end… and…
Oh…
Now, I remember. So that’s why Jose is pushing me to tell you straight up! To get it done and over with. Same thought with Anne and Peaches. But the girls, they understand the risk and how hard it would be. But…
Darn it!
I wasn’t able to defend you. Jose asked, to tell him an incident that you are to be trusted. There were lots of it… the time you are to resign, the time I hated Mai* for ruining our birthday celebration, the time I was to resign, our talks over coffee… you have this “skill” of making people speak up and me as one of them to open up and I think you are opening up somehow…
I was struck and numbed… now, I had to question myself? Is it worth it?
Had my breakfast with them. Lazy as I am on weekends, still I dragged myself up. I knew I still have a few errands to do and confirm an external project to fund my “holiday” expenses.
Guess by this time you are still sleeping. You said you are attending a stag party in this place known for beer and women that grant “wishes”. I, too have a date with my VBF for a chat and dinner. Told you if you’d like you can drop by after. You politely said you’ll try but you haven’t seen these guys for quite sometime but you’ll try. Told you to just drop me an SMS if your coming.
Politely you declined. Yes, I do read between the lines.
Let’s review… who knew that I do really like you: Peaches, Jose (of course), Riza, Anne and Rai. Though Joseph and Stephanie seemed to be sensing something… they’re starting to tease me *blushing*
Of course, I mentioned you again (and again) over dinner with my VBF. I told him I told Rai about my feelings for you and that I like you. You’ve met him/her before. My transvestite friend. He disapproved of you :( He said they better men out there for me, yada… yada… yada…
I knew this was coming.
And Jose agrees.
WHAT? This I didn’t see coming.
I thought…
I dwelled on this. He said there was something about you… and then tells me on getting ready, etc. etc… disappointments…
Well, one, I knew (but still had to accept FULLY) that you won’t be mine, MINE. That this letters I am doing are just for me to release my feelings. And secondly, I’m used to being disappointed in the end… and…
Oh…
Now, I remember. So that’s why Jose is pushing me to tell you straight up! To get it done and over with. Same thought with Anne and Peaches. But the girls, they understand the risk and how hard it would be. But…
Darn it!
I wasn’t able to defend you. Jose asked, to tell him an incident that you are to be trusted. There were lots of it… the time you are to resign, the time I hated Mai* for ruining our birthday celebration, the time I was to resign, our talks over coffee… you have this “skill” of making people speak up and me as one of them to open up and I think you are opening up somehow…
I was struck and numbed… now, I had to question myself? Is it worth it?
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Shaved and Naked?
I was still hyper despite the fact that I haven’t sleep yet. Happy that I am, I YM-ed each and everyone I saw in my list specially those who stayed with us. Sharing my kakulitan and all. Then I heard the news…
You’re now bald.
WHAT?!?
It was Pancho* who told me. I didn’t believe him at first. Because at 4AM, when we were all saying goodbyes, you still have hair! I even touched it before that. Complimenting that it’s nice and long. I even remember telling you way, way back then to cut your hair. Brave enough to comment that you look nice with your old short hair. But you replied to mind your own business, well, I wish it was a joke. But I was just being honest… perhaps too honest.
I remember you, the first time we met… you were wearing a baseball cap, seemed harassed for that event you were organizing… short, nicely clean-cut hair was peeked under the cap. After that, I never thought our paths will cross again. Until now…
Sigh…
I dunno what term is right… shaven, bald, hairless…… whatever!
I am shocked, no! Happy… no! Surprised… I really don’t know how and what I am feeling. I got used to seeing you in ponytail. I got used to greeting you and then stroking that tied, pulled back hair of yours. Am I assuming that you listened to me? I really don’t know.
I had to confirm from another person in your office. Peaches! Yes, Peaches! I was talking to her too. She knew. She’d be honest. And she confirmed. And I YM-ed you… you were still joking around. And asked you why, you just said lately you’ve becoming hot-headed and all. Ummm… I answered “literally and figuratively speaking?” You acknowledged with a wink. I demanded to see you over webcam.
And there you are, long-hair gone.
You’re now bald.
WHAT?!?
It was Pancho* who told me. I didn’t believe him at first. Because at 4AM, when we were all saying goodbyes, you still have hair! I even touched it before that. Complimenting that it’s nice and long. I even remember telling you way, way back then to cut your hair. Brave enough to comment that you look nice with your old short hair. But you replied to mind your own business, well, I wish it was a joke. But I was just being honest… perhaps too honest.
I remember you, the first time we met… you were wearing a baseball cap, seemed harassed for that event you were organizing… short, nicely clean-cut hair was peeked under the cap. After that, I never thought our paths will cross again. Until now…
Sigh…
I dunno what term is right… shaven, bald, hairless…… whatever!
I am shocked, no! Happy… no! Surprised… I really don’t know how and what I am feeling. I got used to seeing you in ponytail. I got used to greeting you and then stroking that tied, pulled back hair of yours. Am I assuming that you listened to me? I really don’t know.
I had to confirm from another person in your office. Peaches! Yes, Peaches! I was talking to her too. She knew. She’d be honest. And she confirmed. And I YM-ed you… you were still joking around. And asked you why, you just said lately you’ve becoming hot-headed and all. Ummm… I answered “literally and figuratively speaking?” You acknowledged with a wink. I demanded to see you over webcam.
And there you are, long-hair gone.
Unavoidable Truth
Staying away from you is really a HARD thing to do. Besides, there will always be at least a day in a week than our paths will cross…
Might as well embrace the truth that you will be that person for me until someone (if not really you) will be the one to fill the “gap”.
–––––
I just came from a short nap. Hoping to regain lack of sleep due to staying in your office till 4AM in preparing some marketing material for one of your products, a few hours that I need to attend my college friends wedding AND host it with my VBF.
And I thought I wouldn’t survive 2 straight days? WOW!!! Both work and wedding was a blast!
Admit it… you stayed too… helped out and my heart is thankful and “personally” glad you stayed. ‘Nuff explanation. Isn’t it too obvious? But really, both events turned out well. So hyper sharing to my other colleagues what they missed out, how we worked and how I got myself 2 pairs of shoes a few hours before the wedding.
The wedding turned out very well. Though my feet still feel sore until now, I didn’t feel ashamed of what I am wearing, in hosting and just being there. I felt happy for the couple. You can see that in our other friends’ faces too. The love and the wedding is really authentic. Love there is not fabricated…
Weird thing is, I thought of you there in the midst of somehow a reunion with our friends in college we’ve never seen since after graduation.
I did wish you were there, with me. I wonder how you feel about weddings?
For the first time, I hosted. For the first time, I am excited to join the ladies in the catching of bouquet. For the first time, I had this longing of getting married (well, this one occurred for perhaps 5 mins!). For the first time, I am not shamed of what people thought of me (and stared at me) when I removed my heeled-pointed shoes and take note… walked around! ;)
It’s an accomplishment for me :)
Tired, yet I don’t mind. I felt light, good and happy! It’s just this f*cking sore-numb feet are torturing me!
Might as well embrace the truth that you will be that person for me until someone (if not really you) will be the one to fill the “gap”.
–––––
I just came from a short nap. Hoping to regain lack of sleep due to staying in your office till 4AM in preparing some marketing material for one of your products, a few hours that I need to attend my college friends wedding AND host it with my VBF.
And I thought I wouldn’t survive 2 straight days? WOW!!! Both work and wedding was a blast!
Admit it… you stayed too… helped out and my heart is thankful and “personally” glad you stayed. ‘Nuff explanation. Isn’t it too obvious? But really, both events turned out well. So hyper sharing to my other colleagues what they missed out, how we worked and how I got myself 2 pairs of shoes a few hours before the wedding.
The wedding turned out very well. Though my feet still feel sore until now, I didn’t feel ashamed of what I am wearing, in hosting and just being there. I felt happy for the couple. You can see that in our other friends’ faces too. The love and the wedding is really authentic. Love there is not fabricated…
Weird thing is, I thought of you there in the midst of somehow a reunion with our friends in college we’ve never seen since after graduation.
I did wish you were there, with me. I wonder how you feel about weddings?
For the first time, I hosted. For the first time, I am excited to join the ladies in the catching of bouquet. For the first time, I had this longing of getting married (well, this one occurred for perhaps 5 mins!). For the first time, I am not shamed of what people thought of me (and stared at me) when I removed my heeled-pointed shoes and take note… walked around! ;)
It’s an accomplishment for me :)
Tired, yet I don’t mind. I felt light, good and happy! It’s just this f*cking sore-numb feet are torturing me!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Forgiveness
Am I that… urgh…
Ok. I ate my word again. I the you last week and now here I am again… liking you.
Why can’t I resist not inviting you out? What is it with your tough attitude that drive me nuts?
*Pancho joined us last night. You who’s just a few blocks away from the meeting place is late. Well, at least you came… and I got a kiss (a peck on the cheeks actually).
Topic is work again. Mostly good news and laying out of cards… you like how Pancho and *Peaches work. You gave your support to them, and free advice. You who’s a known snob in terms of work attitude… I am happy that you are extending your hand and opening your picket fences to your other colleagues.
A few of your selected colleagues ;)
I never had a chance of cornering you. I mean, just you and me to go out. Well, yesterday was a chance but I am such a coward. I texted and invited * Pancho and *Anne. Too bad Anna was so tired, she declined the invitation.
How come I wanted to hate you yet I couldn’t resist you?!
ARGH!
I listen as you and Pancho talk your heart out. You even shared some of our previous conversations with him. I am quiet. I listen… and speak to you in my thoughts…
It’s bad to stare… I know! Sorry if you catch me doing so :(
I’m just happy to know, that despite you being a snob on work, you are busy with work. I mean, finally, you are enjoying your assignment. You are excited about it. It’s your moment to shine? Sounds mushy but well, this might be the break… your break. And I don’t want to meddle nor be a distraction. As if… :p
After we finished the beer tower, and waited for the couple next table to go. I planned ahead that I’d be passing by Starbucks to get my “sticker”… for the planner thing Ü And was hoping you get my cue to stay with me…
And thank the heavens, you kind of get the hint. I had you for myself for almost an hour. Though work is still the topic, I’m still happy being with you. The little me inside just can’t stop jumping around.
And you think I am drunk. Hahaha! I’m just acting, pretending so you’d stay :p
Sigh. What is it with you, ah… Mr. B…
(God! All these times I’m talking to you I never gave you a name!)
… why can’t I get you out of my system?!
Ok. I ate my word again. I the you last week and now here I am again… liking you.
Why can’t I resist not inviting you out? What is it with your tough attitude that drive me nuts?
*Pancho joined us last night. You who’s just a few blocks away from the meeting place is late. Well, at least you came… and I got a kiss (a peck on the cheeks actually).
Topic is work again. Mostly good news and laying out of cards… you like how Pancho and *Peaches work. You gave your support to them, and free advice. You who’s a known snob in terms of work attitude… I am happy that you are extending your hand and opening your picket fences to your other colleagues.
A few of your selected colleagues ;)
I never had a chance of cornering you. I mean, just you and me to go out. Well, yesterday was a chance but I am such a coward. I texted and invited * Pancho and *Anne. Too bad Anna was so tired, she declined the invitation.
How come I wanted to hate you yet I couldn’t resist you?!
ARGH!
I listen as you and Pancho talk your heart out. You even shared some of our previous conversations with him. I am quiet. I listen… and speak to you in my thoughts…
It’s bad to stare… I know! Sorry if you catch me doing so :(
I’m just happy to know, that despite you being a snob on work, you are busy with work. I mean, finally, you are enjoying your assignment. You are excited about it. It’s your moment to shine? Sounds mushy but well, this might be the break… your break. And I don’t want to meddle nor be a distraction. As if… :p
After we finished the beer tower, and waited for the couple next table to go. I planned ahead that I’d be passing by Starbucks to get my “sticker”… for the planner thing Ü And was hoping you get my cue to stay with me…
And thank the heavens, you kind of get the hint. I had you for myself for almost an hour. Though work is still the topic, I’m still happy being with you. The little me inside just can’t stop jumping around.
And you think I am drunk. Hahaha! I’m just acting, pretending so you’d stay :p
Sigh. What is it with you, ah… Mr. B…
(God! All these times I’m talking to you I never gave you a name!)
… why can’t I get you out of my system?!
Friday, November 10, 2006
Disappointment
I am buried with work and thank God for such a chance.
Yup! I am thanking for the tons of work assigned to me. Are you shocked? Don’t be. I see it as a help… as my remedy…
To get over you.
–––––
I didn’t like what you said over YM. I accepted the invitation of your colleague and joined you guys primarily and honestly, when you confirmed you’re going to be there. I was happy then. I get to go out that night, free drinks and you’re there.
Take note: I was happy.
All, well, most actually are “surprised” when I came ALONE. What is it shocking about me joining you guys or having a night out by myself, without my team?
I took that as a compliment and an insult.
Then again, I am overreacting. I know.
You broke your vow that you’d quit smoking. I asked you nicely in Fiama. You just said you’d quit when you have a kid… huh? And then, you said it’s not you I’m talking to.
I asked nicely… as far as I know. And what did I get?
That you don’t divulge all information…
FUCK.
All along I thought we were good. At least…
I am overreacting but… still… I am disappointed. I am hurt.
May be I should just leave you alone.
Yup! I am thanking for the tons of work assigned to me. Are you shocked? Don’t be. I see it as a help… as my remedy…
To get over you.
–––––
I didn’t like what you said over YM. I accepted the invitation of your colleague and joined you guys primarily and honestly, when you confirmed you’re going to be there. I was happy then. I get to go out that night, free drinks and you’re there.
Take note: I was happy.
All, well, most actually are “surprised” when I came ALONE. What is it shocking about me joining you guys or having a night out by myself, without my team?
I took that as a compliment and an insult.
Then again, I am overreacting. I know.
You broke your vow that you’d quit smoking. I asked you nicely in Fiama. You just said you’d quit when you have a kid… huh? And then, you said it’s not you I’m talking to.
I asked nicely… as far as I know. And what did I get?
That you don’t divulge all information…
FUCK.
All along I thought we were good. At least…
I am overreacting but… still… I am disappointed. I am hurt.
May be I should just leave you alone.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
After Thoughts
Why is it that just thinking of you makes me relieved?
Hahaha. Perhaps I should give you a codename… hmmm… aspirin. Too 1980’s! :p
My day of isolation as my gift to self still hasn’t occurred. I got sick on the eve of my birthday and though the doctor told me NOT to take any alcohol until my antibiotics are done. What the hell? I WANT to go out.
I deserve some getaway from the office and the usual people I am with I wanted to go out and have a breather, even for just a few hours. Was planning for sometime to go out alone, by myself in a bar or coffee shop… perhaps I was never brought up with such ideology of that sense of adventure. I asked a few of your new officemates that seemed promising and sensible enough to talk to and be with to join me last Friday. Initial plan was dinner, no beers but when you said you’ll join us… I hailed for beer!
Work is still the topic. People they hate in your office. These newbies seemed to share the same sentiments with you. Funny how *Pancho dishes the other team. As you’ve said, thanks to that team we won’t have any topic to talk about over beer.
I wonder if you talk about me when I’m not around…
I lost count on how many beers I took. Well, I intentionally didn’t count it. Drank it directly from the bottle. I find it weird that it tasted different drinking that way than from a glass with ice. It was faster to finish drinking from the bottle.
Or was it, just because I was not talking much?
We parted ways from the group a little past midnight––quite early to end the night, I thought. I was ready to spent a little more time alone in a coffee shop to let the alcohol die down first. But you seemed to get the cue. You joined me for a couple or more hours.
I am happy then. Very.
You have this way of making people open up and talk. It was your skill, no! A talent if I may say so. You shared your thoughts on a new disturbance I am having again in regards to my work and your colleagues.
It seemed that I don’t need to say it anymore. You always knew what is bothering. I’m glad you knew me somehow but at the same time I am a bit in doubt of myself. Am I too transparent that you see through me that easy? And that you knew that I like you. I wish you’re not taking advantage of that. And I hope you are not like that to me because you’re not drunk, I can tell but you still have the influence of beer. You admittedly told me that you are not that talkative if you didn’t have a drink or two.
I sensed sincerity on your voice. In every word you say, you mean it. I hope I am right this time.
Shocks! I am staring at you too much, don’t I? Sorry *blushing*
I will be very careful. I’ll take you’re advise. I try to open this up with Myles but he seems not into it. I mean, I too have a little hesitation of telling him details of what we are talking about. I am torn with work and personal intentions. Am I making sense here? Geesh…
Honestly, I am a little confused. I am in doubt, that’s why I am a bit reserve and quiet. I don’t know if you are talking to me as if psyching me, in who’s favor? Mine or yours? I am a doubtful person specially to those men that I like or sensed that I do like them.
I don’t want to be their toy. I don’t want to be your toy for power trip.
I just wish next time we have a chance of going out like that, just the two of us we won’t be talking about work anymore. Perhaps that’s one reason for me to know you more. I know, we are both somehow testing the grounds. I do like you. Just in this entry how may times have I told you that? Hahaha!
Still finishing my meds by the way.
Hahaha. Perhaps I should give you a codename… hmmm… aspirin. Too 1980’s! :p
My day of isolation as my gift to self still hasn’t occurred. I got sick on the eve of my birthday and though the doctor told me NOT to take any alcohol until my antibiotics are done. What the hell? I WANT to go out.
I deserve some getaway from the office and the usual people I am with I wanted to go out and have a breather, even for just a few hours. Was planning for sometime to go out alone, by myself in a bar or coffee shop… perhaps I was never brought up with such ideology of that sense of adventure. I asked a few of your new officemates that seemed promising and sensible enough to talk to and be with to join me last Friday. Initial plan was dinner, no beers but when you said you’ll join us… I hailed for beer!
Work is still the topic. People they hate in your office. These newbies seemed to share the same sentiments with you. Funny how *Pancho dishes the other team. As you’ve said, thanks to that team we won’t have any topic to talk about over beer.
I wonder if you talk about me when I’m not around…
I lost count on how many beers I took. Well, I intentionally didn’t count it. Drank it directly from the bottle. I find it weird that it tasted different drinking that way than from a glass with ice. It was faster to finish drinking from the bottle.
Or was it, just because I was not talking much?
We parted ways from the group a little past midnight––quite early to end the night, I thought. I was ready to spent a little more time alone in a coffee shop to let the alcohol die down first. But you seemed to get the cue. You joined me for a couple or more hours.
I am happy then. Very.
You have this way of making people open up and talk. It was your skill, no! A talent if I may say so. You shared your thoughts on a new disturbance I am having again in regards to my work and your colleagues.
It seemed that I don’t need to say it anymore. You always knew what is bothering. I’m glad you knew me somehow but at the same time I am a bit in doubt of myself. Am I too transparent that you see through me that easy? And that you knew that I like you. I wish you’re not taking advantage of that. And I hope you are not like that to me because you’re not drunk, I can tell but you still have the influence of beer. You admittedly told me that you are not that talkative if you didn’t have a drink or two.
I sensed sincerity on your voice. In every word you say, you mean it. I hope I am right this time.
Shocks! I am staring at you too much, don’t I? Sorry *blushing*
I will be very careful. I’ll take you’re advise. I try to open this up with Myles but he seems not into it. I mean, I too have a little hesitation of telling him details of what we are talking about. I am torn with work and personal intentions. Am I making sense here? Geesh…
Honestly, I am a little confused. I am in doubt, that’s why I am a bit reserve and quiet. I don’t know if you are talking to me as if psyching me, in who’s favor? Mine or yours? I am a doubtful person specially to those men that I like or sensed that I do like them.
I don’t want to be their toy. I don’t want to be your toy for power trip.
I just wish next time we have a chance of going out like that, just the two of us we won’t be talking about work anymore. Perhaps that’s one reason for me to know you more. I know, we are both somehow testing the grounds. I do like you. Just in this entry how may times have I told you that? Hahaha!
Still finishing my meds by the way.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Greetings
Last hours of supposedly my day was spent with you and a couple more of your female friends, my new friends including *Anne. It’s the eve of your birthday, too. It was unexpected for you guys but somehow it was preempted… hahaha. I was gathering courage actually.
Ü
I thought that my day would end without anything making me happy. Good thing you guys are available last night. All are tired after our weekly meeting. Perhaps it WAS meant to be my day, my night. But some people just know how to ruin it… intentional or not.
You saw how my mood changed. They knew. You knew.
Fuck.
Happy birthday.
Hope your day is much happier than mine.
Ü
I thought that my day would end without anything making me happy. Good thing you guys are available last night. All are tired after our weekly meeting. Perhaps it WAS meant to be my day, my night. But some people just know how to ruin it… intentional or not.
You saw how my mood changed. They knew. You knew.
Fuck.
Happy birthday.
Hope your day is much happier than mine.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Preparation
It’s a holiday. I think it’s the last day of Ramadan that’s why GMA (our dear president) called it a holiday. Rubbing elbows with our brother Muslims… election is oh so near. I can smell it, the stinky air.
I called in sick yesterday. So now, Joseph declared it a holiday too. We are closed shop and he said I better rest it off –– my psychosomatic illness as Josie*, my gay friend told me I am experiencing.
Hmp.
Rest. Yeah right? I am worrying my butt off now on what the hell to present tomorrow. Your bosses can’t make up their minds on the floor display to produce. I like doing boxes and other math-construction types like those but my goodness!!! I don’t guess here?!!? I calculate… theorize and test. I am knocking my brains out in every box or shelves I design.
I make sure that what might look like a “theory” could be produced feasibly. I don’t design for merely showing off… I design because it’s workable! When I am asked can I make a mockup out of it… my answer it always be a clear Y-E-S.
Darn.
And I am recuperating and tomorrow is my birthday. My f*cking 29th birthday!
Thank you for reminding me.
Some preparation… prep for my birthday or the presentation? F*ck! Why asked it’s obviously for the latter one.
Happy birthday to me.
I called in sick yesterday. So now, Joseph declared it a holiday too. We are closed shop and he said I better rest it off –– my psychosomatic illness as Josie*, my gay friend told me I am experiencing.
Hmp.
Rest. Yeah right? I am worrying my butt off now on what the hell to present tomorrow. Your bosses can’t make up their minds on the floor display to produce. I like doing boxes and other math-construction types like those but my goodness!!! I don’t guess here?!!? I calculate… theorize and test. I am knocking my brains out in every box or shelves I design.
I make sure that what might look like a “theory” could be produced feasibly. I don’t design for merely showing off… I design because it’s workable! When I am asked can I make a mockup out of it… my answer it always be a clear Y-E-S.
Darn.
And I am recuperating and tomorrow is my birthday. My f*cking 29th birthday!
Thank you for reminding me.
Some preparation… prep for my birthday or the presentation? F*ck! Why asked it’s obviously for the latter one.
Happy birthday to me.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Confirmation
My week is hell.
You’re too busy and engrossed with the new “plan” you have. By the way, congratulations. You are now directly under your REAL boss wings and off the neck of that pesky distributing manager of yours.
My only consolation perhaps is when I had the nerve (partial if I may say so) to ask my boss-friend that happened to be your friend too if it’s really off-limits to go out with you… mean go out for a chat or coffee or a drink or two. He said no.
No.
Ü
Of all people you and your boss are on our side. Kakampi.
My mere consolation.
I don’t really feel well. Think I am going to be sick. Really sick.
You’re too busy and engrossed with the new “plan” you have. By the way, congratulations. You are now directly under your REAL boss wings and off the neck of that pesky distributing manager of yours.
My only consolation perhaps is when I had the nerve (partial if I may say so) to ask my boss-friend that happened to be your friend too if it’s really off-limits to go out with you… mean go out for a chat or coffee or a drink or two. He said no.
No.
Ü
Of all people you and your boss are on our side. Kakampi.
My mere consolation.
I don’t really feel well. Think I am going to be sick. Really sick.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Ganged Up
It’s Tuesday. We came from your office. Like previous meetings, my energy was drained yet I am fulfilled ‘cause I get to see you somehow.
But not today.
You texted you wanted to have lunch with us. I guess it’s because you wanted to share that idea you told me over YM and last Saturday that I thought you were just fooling around. Sorry. I don’t really know you that well.
The morning agenda was moved to passed lunch time. Your big boss wasn’t there so the meeting was preceeded by the other boss, the wife. It was undeniably true that these past few days, there had been some rough times between your company and ours. To cut it short, we were ganged up. But most of the pressure was driven to Stephanie*. All are pissed. Though Joseph* and I seemed to calmly handled it. We didn’t like how the “wife’s” tone sounded.
What can we do… we are just merely your suppliers… some outsiders!
But the most irritating of all is why the hell it was brought up on the very first day our new member was introduced? It was Denise* first time to join the team in your meeting.
Great. Just great.
Well… damage control. Charge all to experience.
Again.
But not today.
You texted you wanted to have lunch with us. I guess it’s because you wanted to share that idea you told me over YM and last Saturday that I thought you were just fooling around. Sorry. I don’t really know you that well.
The morning agenda was moved to passed lunch time. Your big boss wasn’t there so the meeting was preceeded by the other boss, the wife. It was undeniably true that these past few days, there had been some rough times between your company and ours. To cut it short, we were ganged up. But most of the pressure was driven to Stephanie*. All are pissed. Though Joseph* and I seemed to calmly handled it. We didn’t like how the “wife’s” tone sounded.
What can we do… we are just merely your suppliers… some outsiders!
But the most irritating of all is why the hell it was brought up on the very first day our new member was introduced? It was Denise* first time to join the team in your meeting.
Great. Just great.
Well… damage control. Charge all to experience.
Again.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
The Meeting
Yesterday morning I declared it a day off. A day which I’d do what I wanted and perhaps would end up a day by myself. I did some errands and favors (for my VBF, of course) passed by our university, I felt good walking under the shades of huge trees, rode the Ikot jeep, sit (and talked to God) at the chapel. Been years since I last did that. Years after college. Only half the day passed, I am in a cab, off to a mall to checkout their book selection. I am on a research for this shelf display I am to figure out for one of your boss-friend’s prime product. I decided to text your female friends and you of course if anyone is up for coffee or something. I made the decision where to eat and what time. Two said yes… you and another female friend declined.
Oh. (Sigh.)
You said you’d pass meeting up for you have a basketball game.
Beers and plates of baked scallops will make me happy then. I have been craving for scallops for weeks and now is MY chance.
My bookstore visit was half disappointing. No “book” on modular thingy but I got Shel Silverstein’s The Missing Piece and The Missing Piece Meets The Big O. I bought the books. Expensive. But it’s self-satisfaction. I love the stories. Simple. And I can relate to it. I was planning to give you one but come to think of it…
1.) You might not get it… not that I find you stupid (I won’t like you if you ARE, hello?) there might be a big question mark on your forehead once you tore up the wrapper.
2.) I might be too sneaky on your personal life… I definitely don’t want you to think I am a pakialamera.
3.) And you might just see it weird, you being a male creature… me giving me you a children’s book.
So it’d just keep it to myself. My collection.
Your female friends love it though. They could relate to the books. Females eh. Unlike you.
Jose (my VBF) once said… am I sure that you go for women and not men. I replied immediately and in a bit of an angry tone… OF COURSE! What made him think you’re gay? You haven’t met. Is he jealous?
Nah.
Imagine: 2 of your female friends plus me… in a resto mid-afternoon eating and chatting. We kept on asking what time is it, not because we are bored but we are hoping that the sun is down so we can drink beer!
Hahaha.
But honestly, I was happy when you texted and asking where we are Ü Really. I don’t know if Anne* feels that I am so concern about you. And now I am confused whether it was true that Tina* really liked you are it’s all just gossips.
I thought I’d be going home early yesterday. I am a bit worried thinking that my folks might be worried I’m out late again and my phone is almost drained. But who cares? As long as you’re coming Ü Tina left and Anne stayed. We really don’t know where to go while we are waiting for you to get out of your boss-friend’s company. Like our previous meetings, we can’t let both our boss-friends to know. With your advice, I did tell my boss-friend who happened to be your friend too of our meetings. But see what it resulted?
Though I am not really sure if they really forbid it. I want it to come from him. I don’t know if he knew that you are some kind of special to me. He’s male too. Guys are most of the time insensitive or should I say if it didn’t matter or concerns you, ignorance covers you up?
There was some sort of street party in the area we are hanging out. Too bad that kind of street party wasn’t let’s just say “attractive”? I think the local government sponsored it so as expected the crowd was quite masa.
Anne wanted to help me out with the gondola. I wasn’t really into working on it but she insisted. She likes doing it too, she said. I like doing such stuff too, you know that. It’s just that I need time to think it over. We were walking in circles while chatting personal opinions and a bit of our lives. We really have no plans on where to go or how to get there. But it was fun… to just be there and say “bahala na”. With all the walking and chatting we found a near coffee place and I found a folder (board) and some notebook sheets in my bag which we used in figuring out the initial structure of the gondola while we kill time.
Kill time… we really have no plans ahead. We have no idea if you are still coming or not. I turned off my phone to save its last juice before I go home and to remove a bit stress in me that I’m sure my folks will keep on texting me inquiring where in hell their daughter is. I still feel awkward being around or with you and your females friends and yet I long to be with you.
Eiw. Mushy…
Anyway, the wait (and the walking in circles) paid of when Anne and I figured out the structure and the die cut of the stackable gondola Ü Just a few adjustments and implementation of measurements, we are good to go. I was shy to ask Anne to check if you replied whether you’re still coming or already gone home. Half of me wished I’m heading for home and the other half, wishing you’re with us.
Then you came.
You looked different with you’re outfit: the cargo shorts, big, loose shirts and is that you’re soccer shoes? Anne blurted it out, obviously noticed it too. Me, I just appreciated you’re presence and smiled. I am happy… somehow.
It was late. Surely, I’ll be receiving a word or two from my dad or my mom.
I stayed. You came. But still we talked about work. Anne was looking and commented why I am suddenly “sad”. Huh? Perhaps she thought I am sad because I suddenly became quiet. I have nothing to say. I feel there’s an awkward air around the 3 of us. I like it when you talk and I just listen.
I only had 1 beer and that was hours ago. But I am satisfied. I don’t need to be drunk to talk or so just to see you.
Oh. (Sigh.)
You said you’d pass meeting up for you have a basketball game.
Beers and plates of baked scallops will make me happy then. I have been craving for scallops for weeks and now is MY chance.
My bookstore visit was half disappointing. No “book” on modular thingy but I got Shel Silverstein’s The Missing Piece and The Missing Piece Meets The Big O. I bought the books. Expensive. But it’s self-satisfaction. I love the stories. Simple. And I can relate to it. I was planning to give you one but come to think of it…
1.) You might not get it… not that I find you stupid (I won’t like you if you ARE, hello?) there might be a big question mark on your forehead once you tore up the wrapper.
2.) I might be too sneaky on your personal life… I definitely don’t want you to think I am a pakialamera.
3.) And you might just see it weird, you being a male creature… me giving me you a children’s book.
So it’d just keep it to myself. My collection.
Your female friends love it though. They could relate to the books. Females eh. Unlike you.
Jose (my VBF) once said… am I sure that you go for women and not men. I replied immediately and in a bit of an angry tone… OF COURSE! What made him think you’re gay? You haven’t met. Is he jealous?
Nah.
Imagine: 2 of your female friends plus me… in a resto mid-afternoon eating and chatting. We kept on asking what time is it, not because we are bored but we are hoping that the sun is down so we can drink beer!
Hahaha.
But honestly, I was happy when you texted and asking where we are Ü Really. I don’t know if Anne* feels that I am so concern about you. And now I am confused whether it was true that Tina* really liked you are it’s all just gossips.
I thought I’d be going home early yesterday. I am a bit worried thinking that my folks might be worried I’m out late again and my phone is almost drained. But who cares? As long as you’re coming Ü Tina left and Anne stayed. We really don’t know where to go while we are waiting for you to get out of your boss-friend’s company. Like our previous meetings, we can’t let both our boss-friends to know. With your advice, I did tell my boss-friend who happened to be your friend too of our meetings. But see what it resulted?
Though I am not really sure if they really forbid it. I want it to come from him. I don’t know if he knew that you are some kind of special to me. He’s male too. Guys are most of the time insensitive or should I say if it didn’t matter or concerns you, ignorance covers you up?
There was some sort of street party in the area we are hanging out. Too bad that kind of street party wasn’t let’s just say “attractive”? I think the local government sponsored it so as expected the crowd was quite masa.
Anne wanted to help me out with the gondola. I wasn’t really into working on it but she insisted. She likes doing it too, she said. I like doing such stuff too, you know that. It’s just that I need time to think it over. We were walking in circles while chatting personal opinions and a bit of our lives. We really have no plans on where to go or how to get there. But it was fun… to just be there and say “bahala na”. With all the walking and chatting we found a near coffee place and I found a folder (board) and some notebook sheets in my bag which we used in figuring out the initial structure of the gondola while we kill time.
Kill time… we really have no plans ahead. We have no idea if you are still coming or not. I turned off my phone to save its last juice before I go home and to remove a bit stress in me that I’m sure my folks will keep on texting me inquiring where in hell their daughter is. I still feel awkward being around or with you and your females friends and yet I long to be with you.
Eiw. Mushy…
Anyway, the wait (and the walking in circles) paid of when Anne and I figured out the structure and the die cut of the stackable gondola Ü Just a few adjustments and implementation of measurements, we are good to go. I was shy to ask Anne to check if you replied whether you’re still coming or already gone home. Half of me wished I’m heading for home and the other half, wishing you’re with us.
Then you came.
You looked different with you’re outfit: the cargo shorts, big, loose shirts and is that you’re soccer shoes? Anne blurted it out, obviously noticed it too. Me, I just appreciated you’re presence and smiled. I am happy… somehow.
It was late. Surely, I’ll be receiving a word or two from my dad or my mom.
I stayed. You came. But still we talked about work. Anne was looking and commented why I am suddenly “sad”. Huh? Perhaps she thought I am sad because I suddenly became quiet. I have nothing to say. I feel there’s an awkward air around the 3 of us. I like it when you talk and I just listen.
I only had 1 beer and that was hours ago. But I am satisfied. I don’t need to be drunk to talk or so just to see you.
Persistence and my VBF
It’s me again.
It’s already morning (officially). I just came in from seeing you and Anne*.
Despite the fact that I felt my boss-friend and/or a colleague forbids me to see you the thought of being with you again made me smile. And make me hope that we’d really would.
I asked you last Friday (the 13th) over YM if you’d like to go out.
You said you already had plans…
Shocks.
I thought so. That is what I’m afraid of.
Earlier that day. My VBF or virtual boyfriend and I are talking over YM too. He’s my “virtual” boyfriend not because we haven’t seen each other. It’s just that we knew we couldn’t be officially committed, as in a relationship. He’s gay. It just so happened that we are college’s buddies and he introduces me to his family and friends as his VGF (virtual girlfriend) and proclaiming that if he’s not gay he could have courted me and I could have been his girlfriend. At first I am confused whether it was an insult to me because I thought he pities me that why he said that but come to think of it, gay men has high standards in terms of beauty and if they like you, they really like you.
Can you imagine a little me clapping upon realizing that?
Well, to cut it short, he (my VBF) tells me not to bother thinking that about the “hindrance”. If I really like you, I should tell you straight front.
Gulp. Very gay principle… and I admire them for that!
Tell you right in the face? You know why I can’t, right? Me girl, you boy? (Why am I talking bedrock here!?)
Aside from the fact that I won’t be bothering him about you, his reason is for me to get it over with. Tell you how I really feel and demand an answer right then and there. If you like me too well and good, perhaps time for you to move. If you don’t, I should drop you andmove on.
I can’t get to be with you ALONE and he wants me to profess my feelings? Well, I did remember one Saturday we went to this shopping mall because I asked you if I can come along.
I considered that move (asking) a great deal for me. Whew!
I paid the cab. You paid for the food. Can that be considered a date despite the fact that all we talk about is work… and… ah, work?
While on my way home after that meeting, it made me think. And decided to drop that thought of you and me.
But you kept on popping up! Because you are sooooo cute when you smile and laugh!
As one song tells me…
There’s a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend.
There’s a fine, fine line between reality and pretend….
There’s a fine, fine line between a fairytale and a lie…
There’s a fine, fine line between you’re wonderful and goodbye.
I guess if someone doesn’t love you back it isn’t such a crime.
BUT there’s a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time.
Ok. Half of me tells to drop you… but the other half says not to.
It’s already morning (officially). I just came in from seeing you and Anne*.
Despite the fact that I felt my boss-friend and/or a colleague forbids me to see you the thought of being with you again made me smile. And make me hope that we’d really would.
I asked you last Friday (the 13th) over YM if you’d like to go out.
You said you already had plans…
Shocks.
I thought so. That is what I’m afraid of.
Earlier that day. My VBF or virtual boyfriend and I are talking over YM too. He’s my “virtual” boyfriend not because we haven’t seen each other. It’s just that we knew we couldn’t be officially committed, as in a relationship. He’s gay. It just so happened that we are college’s buddies and he introduces me to his family and friends as his VGF (virtual girlfriend) and proclaiming that if he’s not gay he could have courted me and I could have been his girlfriend. At first I am confused whether it was an insult to me because I thought he pities me that why he said that but come to think of it, gay men has high standards in terms of beauty and if they like you, they really like you.
Can you imagine a little me clapping upon realizing that?
Well, to cut it short, he (my VBF) tells me not to bother thinking that about the “hindrance”. If I really like you, I should tell you straight front.
Gulp. Very gay principle… and I admire them for that!
Tell you right in the face? You know why I can’t, right? Me girl, you boy? (Why am I talking bedrock here!?)
Aside from the fact that I won’t be bothering him about you, his reason is for me to get it over with. Tell you how I really feel and demand an answer right then and there. If you like me too well and good, perhaps time for you to move. If you don’t, I should drop you andmove on.
I can’t get to be with you ALONE and he wants me to profess my feelings? Well, I did remember one Saturday we went to this shopping mall because I asked you if I can come along.
I considered that move (asking) a great deal for me. Whew!
I paid the cab. You paid for the food. Can that be considered a date despite the fact that all we talk about is work… and… ah, work?
While on my way home after that meeting, it made me think. And decided to drop that thought of you and me.
But you kept on popping up! Because you are sooooo cute when you smile and laugh!
As one song tells me…
There’s a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend.
There’s a fine, fine line between reality and pretend….
There’s a fine, fine line between a fairytale and a lie…
There’s a fine, fine line between you’re wonderful and goodbye.
I guess if someone doesn’t love you back it isn’t such a crime.
BUT there’s a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time.
Ok. Half of me tells to drop you… but the other half says not to.
Friday, October 13, 2006
The Introduction
Hi.
Let me start writing to you today, these early hours of Friday that happened to fall on the 13th.
Some luck it would be.
Hmmm… I don’t know what came to me that made me do this (again). As if I am writing on a diary. As if talking to you. But actually I am talking just to myself. I won’t have the courage to tell all of these in front of you of course. Though you won’t deny that I tried approaching you, to get to know you beyond the client-consultant relationship we initially have.
Yup. There it goes. We met because of a common friend you and I have (and still have at the moment) back in college. You claimed you knew him earlier than I do. But I don’t think so. Either I knew him first of we knew him at the same time, though on two different times… or worlds.
How do I start…
I thought doing this would clear my mind (and my heart) of what I do really think about you. Weird but it might work. It’s like confessing and professing. I have this thing that when people get to know what I like or want, my longing for that thing (or even person) fades away. Really. Of course, who would be stupid enough to shout to the world what I THINK I am feeling for you right now. It’s just that I may be wrong… just like those before you.
I am too old to make mistakes. But I am also afraid that I am missing something.
I am getting another year older in a few days time… and so do you.
I was fascinated that we were born under the same stars almost at the same time. I wonder if we share the same fate in life…
Nah. I find yours better than mine. But we are sort of, have some similarities. Like for one, we both fond of kids…
We LOVE our nieces and nephews.
When you mentioned you miss playing with your nephew/niece (I’m not sure which one you have. You said pamangkin which is a generic terminology in our language)… I knew you’d be different.
Which now, I am hating you for letting me know that :(
Let me start writing to you today, these early hours of Friday that happened to fall on the 13th.
Some luck it would be.
Hmmm… I don’t know what came to me that made me do this (again). As if I am writing on a diary. As if talking to you. But actually I am talking just to myself. I won’t have the courage to tell all of these in front of you of course. Though you won’t deny that I tried approaching you, to get to know you beyond the client-consultant relationship we initially have.
Yup. There it goes. We met because of a common friend you and I have (and still have at the moment) back in college. You claimed you knew him earlier than I do. But I don’t think so. Either I knew him first of we knew him at the same time, though on two different times… or worlds.
How do I start…
I thought doing this would clear my mind (and my heart) of what I do really think about you. Weird but it might work. It’s like confessing and professing. I have this thing that when people get to know what I like or want, my longing for that thing (or even person) fades away. Really. Of course, who would be stupid enough to shout to the world what I THINK I am feeling for you right now. It’s just that I may be wrong… just like those before you.
I am too old to make mistakes. But I am also afraid that I am missing something.
I am getting another year older in a few days time… and so do you.
I was fascinated that we were born under the same stars almost at the same time. I wonder if we share the same fate in life…
Nah. I find yours better than mine. But we are sort of, have some similarities. Like for one, we both fond of kids…
We LOVE our nieces and nephews.
When you mentioned you miss playing with your nephew/niece (I’m not sure which one you have. You said pamangkin which is a generic terminology in our language)… I knew you’d be different.
Which now, I am hating you for letting me know that :(
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Who is Mr. Anonymous?
Today, I am starting a new blog. It isn’t the blog that I once planed while taking a shower. That vicious blog…
I lost those thoughts.
Now, on the eve of my 29th birthday, I decided to post the letters I write for Mr. Anonymous. Who happens to be someone special (at the moment) to me. But lately, it’s fading… (hopefully)
I think I should be happy if it’s happening that way.
It was originally titled Letters to Mr. B (who’ll never read this anyway) but come to think of it, as I mentioned it earlier… my fetish to Mr. B seemed fading.
So I dedicate the this blog to Mr. Anonymous initially to Mr. B who’s mysteriousness appears to be striking to me and to the future Mr. or Ms. anonymous who’ll signify those people I cannot directly relay to.
I lost those thoughts.
Now, on the eve of my 29th birthday, I decided to post the letters I write for Mr. Anonymous. Who happens to be someone special (at the moment) to me. But lately, it’s fading… (hopefully)
I think I should be happy if it’s happening that way.
It was originally titled Letters to Mr. B (who’ll never read this anyway) but come to think of it, as I mentioned it earlier… my fetish to Mr. B seemed fading.
So I dedicate the this blog to Mr. Anonymous initially to Mr. B who’s mysteriousness appears to be striking to me and to the future Mr. or Ms. anonymous who’ll signify those people I cannot directly relay to.
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