Disoriented

I skipped blogging for more than 2 weeks. As proven, we try to forget bad things that happened and try to remember good things alone. Yes. I am still denying it, yet it’s been haunting me once in awhile what I learned a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps now is a right time to admit it and put it in writing.

I have lost my bearings more compared to just being struck and numb. It’s quite true now that there are things better left as a secret. I mean, we wanted to know ALL things right… but there are definitely things better be kept away from your knowledge.

How do I put all my thoughts into words?... Let’s go through it backwards.

Yesterday was Christmas… given up from you for not greeting me. Was it a sign that I should definitely back off? I was restless. I knew I was sleepy but I was unable to located Mr. Sandman for that matter. I was awaken by my SMS alert and there you were. Texting me… ”Huli man ang magaling… naihahabol din! Merry xmas!u” … I was really edgy few hours prior of you texting. I texted you back… no answer. Very typical of you. And looking at the “u”… perhaps you’re thoughts are having some freestyle or backstroke in the pool of beer or alcohol you texted.

Sigh.

I decided to tell you how I feel for you. I mean, admit that you are somehow “special”. But I have to find the right time… proper timing. I knew you have some other issues to deal with right now, like family matters and all that. It was 4 votes against 1. And it was Anne who objected. Her points were clear too. But considering I was OK without you before… what shall I lose now? I mean, I am not after taking what we have now to the next level. Well, that would be a bonus if I’m lucky enough that I am that special. But as Jose warned me, expect the WORST. Losing our friendship, or whatever we have now. But that I have to risk. Accept your react, maturely. But I have to prioritize the most it can do for myself. It’s about time I speak up… and have peace.

Why did it lead me to such decision? December 18, Monday… Intra’s Christmas Party at Music Match… approximately, half past 11pm. The whole Intra knew Eunice likes you. I need not elaborate it here. I will carry that scenario in the years left of my lifetime! Evidences in photographs are sooo clear. I cried. Tried to hide it but I definitely know now that you knew. Because you texted me…

That moment, I have no one to run to. I was tipsy… no! I AM drunk and emotionally unstable. I had to text Stephanie who was the most sane person that night. She’s not under any influence of alcohol nor was she smoking. That night was the start of my restlessness and confusion…

It’s hard to be always the “nice one” and the “entrusted one”. I always get to have the blow by blow accounts of her plans, her thoughts and action on you. I thought knowing was half the battle. But such knowledge, every inch and detail of it… kills me. These is one of those things that I WISH I just never knew… I really WISHED I can just go away unnoticed and be invisible.

I lost my thoughts… That how disoriented I am. I wish it would that easy with you… I could just easily lost you and my feelings for you… but it isn’t.

You used to be an inspiration. The source of that oddly smile stuck on my face. But now…

Is it that serious now that I am sooo affected by the events? Never felt such in any of my previous “inspirations”…

Is it really that… deep?