End

The story should conclude here. Or should I say, it’s just a chapter?

They said that parting has always been such sweet sorrow, I don’t exactly recall if it was. I remember saying in one entry here before that I am to end talking to you here. But our paths still cross and I still have feelings for you.

I think I still do hold that thought. I will never take the credit off you on the times I almost gave up and that you’re the first person I think of running to. Or when I am happy, I’d like to share my joys with you. Togetherness and rejection seemed to be long-lost twins that I seemed to reconnect every time I remember you now.

You’ll be one of those men that will haunt me. Take the credit, I considered you a ‘man’.

So, this is it. When they said that don’t say goodbye, I am not saying it to you. As much as I wanted to, I’m sure we are still to see each other, and avoiding you will just hurt me more and haunt me more. Let’s just say I am ending me foolishness on you. Kill the hopes that you will like me the way I like you. Care for me as much I am concern and cares for you. My idiocy had to stop. For my sake.

I’ll see you around. Most likely every Tuesday or whatever day we will go visit and present in your office. We’ll still greet each other, give each other’s a peck on the cheek for “hellos” and “goodbyes”. I might be less to join your group’s get-together or the planned outings. I will miss Anne and Tina. I will miss you too, of course but this has to end.

Thank you, “Yan-Yan”.

Affected

I have postponed entering this event that really is bothering me again. Do you really have such ideology or habit to make ladies jealous by inviting and flirting to another lady and worst when they are friends?

If you have forgotten that I was sitting at the back seat and then you flirt with Stephanie.

Wow.

Then you tell me I’m “masungit”.

If we are not that desperate that night to get out of that mall, I wouldn’t suggest to Stephanie to contact you and ask for that favor to fetch us.

We should really stay FAR apart. You really felt you are different ever since you got your own car, you got your own place and you don’t talk to me anymore unless nobody’s talking to you in the office. You only remember me when you need something.

I am always the last resort.

It really hurts me so bad.

Upset

I can’t think straight.

Yes. Until now, I thought I am to stop blogging here. I thought not being “concern” about you and avoiding you would help me move on.

I thought I’m ok now… that I’m over you.

Until you are in that company and that company is our client, our paths will surely cross.

Why would you announce to the world that you’re to bring Stephanie home. Half the world know that I like you. I was there. And with that squinted eyes, I feel and I know you are checking my reaction.

Are you intentionally annoying me? Making me jealous? Because for all it’s worth… I am.

Then I later found out, you asked her out for the Transformers movie.

I am affected.

Exhaling...

I had to drop off a mock up for one company in your office this morning. I decided to make it earlier to really avoid you. Unfortunately, you were early too. You caught me by the guard.

As always, you ask what am I doing there with a morning greeting and the peck on the cheek. The usual greeting.

Or was it your usual "'Musta?" (How are you?)

I'm not sure... I was lost the moment you entered the gate...

No word, no SMS or even YM from you and with my pledge of not to have any personal business with you for almost 2 weeks now... and this happens.

Undeniably, my heart still bleeds...

Ouch.

Let Me Be

Absences makes the heart go founder…

Could that be true? I guess. It was for me, to you waaaaayyyy back then. Thank God I am too busy to think of it or of you these days plus your office creates issues (again) against my team.

Honestly, my doubts to you seemed to spread like a disease these days. I can’t help and defend you from it… you are part of that office setup.

I don’t YM you nor SMS you. I gave up asking you for a cup of coffee or if you’d like to join me for dinner. I don’t ever consider ANY of our going out a date. Just to clear things out. You treated me once, I treated you more often just to say how grateful I am and I believe it's a way of returning back the favor of eating your time and listening to my rants and raves.

It is unavoidable not to see you at least once a week. As mentioned before, you’re part of the client’s office we are serving. Tension is created between that office and my team. Lesser get together after office and if no more beso greetings, its lessen.

I avoided greeting you and even eye contacts with you as much as possible.

Weird as it may seem. It’s a way for me to move on.

Then you SMS me. Asking for my teammate's number. Are you making me jealous again? Well, it doesn’t work anymore.

And then, you YM-ed me, asking if our phone line is down… and concern if we (the team) are down with some virus.

There was very little “kilig” and more of “inis”… am I always the keeper when all are down or unable to reach?

I am tired of being the third wheel!

I still expect from you... and yet I am the one getting hurt.

If you miss me or want to have a cup of coffee or something, just say so. I know, you have a car now... I have to admit that I felt bad when I was the last to know that you already accomplished one of your goals. I'm just disappointed that you never offered me a lift when I was a little drunk from that "salubong" we did for our friend's birthday.

Let me be... don't talk to me if you must but don't let me catch you glancing at me and yet you don't speak up.

Ranting...

I am staring in my computer screen… with a smoke in my other hand. My second stick. I still have sooo much in mind to tell you and yet, I can’t transcribe it into words.

Questions I’ve been asking before again and again and again… why do I always [try to] run to you?

We are being ridicule again. Not me directly but my team. And it is not alien to you.

I am affected. I should care anymore. I should even think of you as an “enemy” for you are part of the other side. But still here I am talking to you in a blog that you never really read or even know existed.

I tried to run to your rescue. Rescue in the sense of not directly solving the problem. I just want to vent, let it out… and just be with you? As if it would remove all this anger in me.

As if… well… temporarily.

It’s the same old litany. And I am sick and tired… perhaps you too…

Third stick…

… that’s why you are making excuses?

Here I go again. Being suspicious and all… but still I chase after you in the hopes that we can still go out like before?

I am such a fool.

You Did What…?

You just winked!

Not just now but the past meetings we had after that YM conversation with you…

I’m denying it back then, thinking I might be hallucinating or overacting, but for the 3rd time? My goodness…

Eiw!

I was grossed out instead of getting, how do you call that? That nice shivers… 'yung kilig factor... basta…

What is the matter with you? Are you tripping out?! Please not on me naman.

I Speak, Don't Take It Against Me

I am in no regrets on what I said in out YM conversation. I am still stand for our friend, myself and my team. We should not be treated that way. We deserve the respect we earn. Yes, you are right. We can not please everyone... but we have been playing along on someone's favor. I guess it's about time we make some changes... we make a stand.

You will not favor what i think, I've said and the upcoming moves and decision. It's our choice... my choice as well. I never speak of anyone else. I feel bad when you said that to me. I thought you knew me. I thought I knew you already. I was wrong.

With all respect, I thank you for your extra effort in going to their house to ask, to know and hear it than base on what others say or hear. My team and I are grateful for that.

Expect perhaps more wars that are cowardly brought up behind our backs...
Expect changes... drastic changes that will trigger more battles...
Expect me to be colder to everyone... even you.

Well, you won't notice it. It may be for your advantage.

Choices

Again, bumpy rides seemed to occur on unwarned instances.

A common friend of ours really called me tanga for letting myself get into that deep affection to you despite the fact that I won't be getting anything from you. But we're good. I understand her and she's a concern friend.

My book project... well, I lost interest. Some people really don't understand and they are just inconsiderate. I am dragging my ass in finishing it. But the excitement and passion for it died.

My old phone is missing... some generous amount of money from my mom's wallet is missing too when I left it in my room.

Am I careless? God forbid I am losing my mind :(

And now, most of your people is treating our friend, my boss and my team like machines AGAIN for the nth time. the directive is not on me but of course it affects everyone in my team. You've been int he same scenario too... almost... but still it's not right. It was never right.

You had a feeling that something is wrong. You YM-ed me few days back, you greeted first yesterday... and you invited us for a drink. I've been making choices... good or bad... tonight options were laid out in front of me...

I chose to be with my team than to be with you.

Out of the System

They said that one should take the chance s/he is drunk in speaking out or professing the truth. So they can have the famous excuse... "Blame it on the booze!".

We all got drunk somehow a few hours ago. It's proven that it better when you don't plan at all that things would just happen. And I guess it did tonight...

I just told you I kinda like you...

Perhaps it's even underestimated because of the word "kinda".

I'm not drunk when I typed every word of it... but I will admit that I am shaking before and even after telling the truth. I had the door of opportunity opened once more when you asked, why am I affected so much of the situation. I had to grab it now or forever hold my peace...

Somehow your reaction is as I expected it. I had to thank you that it isn't the worst scenario that I imagine you'd be responding at it. I find it sort of cowardly saying it to you over YM. But I don't think I'd have the courage to tell you personally. All that matters now is that I finally said it and that you knew now. You are still the person I knew you are, the very same reason perhaps why I liked you. Thanks for being cool about it. you even sort of joked about it, but I won't take it against you. You said I was too serious. Well, I am from the start. Yet you made me crack in every moment that I can recall of.

It's out. I said it. It's done and over with. Time to move on... hopefully.

And yet, I still felt that I am on the losing end. Again, as I've stated in my previous entry... she might have been gone (almost) but I knew she took something. She did.

She almost had you... she did had you.

I've said it. I've professed if you may say so.

It's over.


A couple of double stuffed Oreo (actually, I've finished almost half of the pack already) dunked in a cup of cold milk is all I have with me... right now.

Doubtful

We've been both busy. I thank God for that. I am too busy to think about you and how I miss you. But when I stop and take a break, thought of you floods me.

I am still not over you, that's for sure.

We've talked about Eunice. I am still doubtful of what really happened between you and her. And it's undeniable that anyone who hears about either of you will definitely associate the other. last night, I found out that she was forced to resign till the end of the month. She counteract it by resigning immediately, effective by next week. I texted you immediately to ask if you knew about it.

True enough, you knew. She told you... YM-ed you as you told me. Though unlike anyone I knew that seeked advise from you on such cases, you share your profoundness. You told me this time you didn't because you're not drunk.

She still told you. Of all other people your office, she still told you.

You said there was no closure between you, nor any decent talk about what became the two of you, up until now. Will you be asking her for a talk before she finally leaves?

I am still jealous. Even though all knew she already has someone. I don't know why I am still feeling this way. And I won't deny it either... that I am glad she'd be gone in a few days. The bitch in me is smiling and has tasted revenge in a way. But apart of me thought of you too. That's why I texted you immediately. To check if you knew.

It's not worth it... my friends told me, and I'm telling myself as well. And yet, here I am blogging... talking to you as if you'd be reading this.

Why do I feel that I am the winner and yet I feel I am still a loser? She’s leaving but I have a feeling she’s to take something with her…

What really happened between you two? Was there really a bracelet? Why did you give something to her if she’s just a girl and not that special? Why would anyone bother to waste time on someone who is just… there?

I still can’t accept your reasoning that “there isn’t anyone else” or “it’s just nothing… it so happened she’s there”…

Why can’t you just tell me the truth… so I’d finally end whatever this is and move on?!

Please…

Intervention

Such word has been used much lately. From the bet I made with my colleagues to now the canceled flight that we're suppose to take.

As of this morning, when all my stuff and the stocks we're suppose to bring are pack since yesterday morning, we all received an email from you boss canceling the trip due to the risk that the next team might encounter.

I was partly relieved and honestly, part of me too was disappointed. But to what reason I am disappointed? I can't exactly determine :(

Was it the fact that I lost a chance to be in a place I only see in pictures and heard from friends who've been there?

Or was it the chance that we could be together in a foreign land where you've been too? The place where you were, when I realized... oh... just nevermind...

I guess God made a way to lessen a much disappointment that I will be dealing with if the trip was pursued and just a trip... no moments between us...

Perhaps that was it...

Kick off

It's been awhile since I spilled my guts out here because of you. I guess we are both busy with work. Between my last entry and now, we had exchanged few more text messages, YM-ed each other and met a couple of times for dinner and some booze. But still the idea that you are dropping on me that we are better off as friends wasn't absorb by my system come until our last dinner.

I think you got angry on me or something. For insisting perhaps that you and Eunice had some "moments" based from the stories she's divulging to everyone. I don't believe her from the perception of how I knew you. But I was bothered. I don't know of that perception of you is just what I want you to be and I just made it up. Plus the idea that since you guys are being teased, i tried to go away... well, most of the time.

I am sorry if I've maddened you. I felt it when you said you had to go. But I appreciated it when you joined me when you said you had somewhere to go to later that night. Perhaps with your reaction there was my wake up call. Since then, I really, REALLY lessen my kakulitan to you. Lesser text messages, lesser YM. Work and personal projects made me busy too. Those helped me by keeping my hands and mind occupied. Made me think less of you.

Perhaps through I should let you know that I kind of made closure to Eunice. Well, in some way. I had to be nice to her because of work but doing that it was somehow gave me some peace. There might be times that I still find her a fake and an opportunist (but most of the time still a duh). But I am nice to her in a very limited manner. She might have moved on to her advantage by having the guy for her. I just wish it would be the same for us too.

It feels like longer than just weeks since we last spoke to each other. Yesterday, I wasn't able to resist greeting you and giving you a beso when we were in your office. Specially that I found out that we are flying together for Thailand on Sunday.

God perhaps is testing me. Through our common friends that are teasing me and the flight we are to take. I made a bet, that if you for God's will and with no human intervention took or at least was given the seat beside me, I will treat the group when I get back. For as far as I know you, you will ask to be seated next to Myles for some discussion and brainstorming.

I am having mixed emotions now. For the trip, what's install for us, both personal and the business purpose of that trip... and what's waiting for me there in Thailand for the few hours that I am to stay there.

God might have been intervening lately. Aside from the workloads HE has given me, I met a new guy that seemed to be a good prospect. Though there wasn't any follow through and found some complications, at least I have other diversions as well.

Am I indeed moving on? I hope so. I hope this month will be the start of me getting on my footing and moving to the direction that favors me, that path where there is some happiness install for me.

And So It Happens...

Together... as friends or beyond that?

Despite the fact that I have (or rather SHOULD HAVE) accepted that we are but "friends", I can't deny that I would always prefer to be with you. Well, my friends are for sure irritated that there isn't a day that I wouldn't mention your name. And in our office, it seemed that everyone knows that it's you that I am "fond" of and they make it a joke every time mention Eunice as your girlfriend. It's just a sign that i haven't found another man. God forbides that the next man wont be named like yours!

I am still dreaming of the time that you will be choosing me. Well, that's for a fact that I am a hopeless romantic that's why there as times I still "dream" of romantic situations. But I always wake myself up on the reality side... that (for now, perhaps) we can only be friends.

You said it yourself... it's better to have female friends for now. You have plans. You have personal deadlines. You share them to me somehow. I am thankful for that. Thankful that you consider me as a friend.

I think you knew me well enough. Or even better than I know myself. Perhaps I like you because I see myself in you (or what I wanted myself to be) and of course the ideal man... well, I think you are an ideal man... I think I've mentioned points in my previous letters to you.

I'm just happy whenever I am with you. Recently, we met up and hang out. There's still some "dead" air at times. We both knew that something is running in each heads. I honestly could ask you that question or even tell you how I really feel about you. I know you know. It's just that... it might give me peace if you knew, from me? But there might be a chance that I will be loosing you... these unplanned meetings, these hangouts...

For the 2nd time (and chance) I tried to clear from your end about Eunice. It's much clearer now. But there's still some unexplained situations and actions. I tried to understand it from your perception but I couldn't. I guess, I am that jealous. And I profess my jealousy as a joke to you.

All jokes are half-meant, by the way...

Thank you for always being there for me. For always being the "troubleshooter". Whoever the girl you'll be choosing would be such a lucky one. I just wish you deserve her and she won't be of any high maintenance or would give you trouble. You have enough problems to deal with.

I don't know if I am exaggerating or imagining it. But be it a dream, imagination or simply an aspiration... the hugs, the hand squeeze and those pecks...

If it wouldn't be you, I pray that God would just remove you from my memory. Let there be a new man who deserves me more than you or let me just wake up and the feeling is gone...

...that we are just friends... real friends.

Disposition

My female friend, who's single too yet much adventurous than me just sent me this message over SMS...

"Do you know that place between sleep & awake? That place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, that's where I'll be waiting..."

Tinkerbell said that to Peter Pan in the movie...

... perhaps it applies to me... to you...

I still can't let you go despite all that I am hearing, learning... and I am suffering.

Why am I still holding on when I have no assurance of gaining anything?

Mixed Emotions

I should have just shout my mouth... or rather, didn't bother asking you over SMS.

I am hurt as always... or was I?

I really don't know how I am feeling now or for tomorrow or the next coming days.

"Your mind doesn't said so?"
"You are not together but you're giving her the effort and attention?"

What the f...?!?

Hoping

Talking to Ernie made me realize a reason why I liked you more than any other men as of the moment…

You might be boastful at times, but it’s how you talk to me and talk me out of my over reacting situations that perhaps made me not get over you. That is definitely what I am missing right now. The time that we spent just talking… and lately, we are busy with work… and you with the girl that I am still trying to understand why you’re spending time with her when you tell me she isn’t your time and you don’t even like her face?

Still after that recent conversation we had… after I have told you how I despise the Eunice… how after we said goodbye, took a cab and texted everyone who’s so concern that it isn’t worth it… I’m still here, with hope that you’ll be mine or at least talk to me again last night after Pancho’s despedida party.

If I did tell you how I am feeling and being this gaga over you, will I get the peace of mine I deserve and definitely move on?

I need to be assured… but how?

All has always been a risk.

Denial

Why can’t I let you go? I have told myself over and over again––we can’t be together. No “we”. But you-me separately.

Most of my friends have been telling me that also.

Move on.
Let him go.
He isn’t good for you.
You deserve better than him.
He isn’t worth it.

My VBF hated you so much. Still defending you which makes him hated you much more. It isn’t your fault. It unfair that he judged you that quick when you have no idea why you are being hated.

You are out of this craziness I am in.

Craziness… why am I that into you? WHY? Have I really fallen in love with you?

I have to cut off everything that connects to you. I shouldn’t be concern if you are ok or where the hell you will be in the next 5 minutes. I shouldn’t be affected if you and the girl are together or if she makes you her personal driver.

Just awhile ago, I wanted to text you. I had to restrain myself. We just saw each other in your office a few hours ago. I even avoided kissing you like the usual greeting that we do before. But when I was about to go, our paths crossed and there…

And I live a few steps away from your office… literally.

I miss you so much.

I pretend that I am ok but I am forcing myself to move on and look away. Ignoring you seemed not to work. You knew… why can’t you just open it up and ask me? Ask me, then I will answer… hopefully.

How can I move on? My VBF is right… I really can’t get over you.

Self-preservation

Fucked up and confused, I still continue working and living of course. Tried hard even if it looks like a "routinary" life... I look forward and move on.

Moving on... does it mean closure?

We finally met up and talked personally. I still have not courage of professing the feelings I have for you but I know you know. We've been honest to each other as far as I know but I just can't spill the beans why I am hating Eunice personally and professionally. I came to see you not to confront but to comfort myself. I missed talking to you, being with you on "just nothing" occasions. I felt that she has taken you away from me. You know I am jealous. I may be joking it over our IM messages... all jokes are half-meant.

Now, we met up when she's out of the country...

I asked you over YM, over the phone and now upfront... if you're together. You said NO and have no plans of getting committed. I am confused that if you're not and have no plans to then why waste your time and energy?

There's no one else.

Huh?

Quite long conversation... you knew I hated her. From her acting as damsel in distress, from treating you as her driver (which you are letting him) and her work attitude. (I hate her most on the latter one) When I asked again if you like her you said "Ok lang"... such an overused word.

I have this mixed feelings that I understood you. But a part of me is still confused. But then again, you're a man and you are you somehow. I just wanted you to be careful and made you wonder why I am that concern? It's was the door that may be my chance to speak up... All was able to say was that I'm your friend, that's why.

I am such a loser...

Why am I having this reaction when at times I wanted to tell you how much I... sigh.

Thinking it over, it's the same reason as yours. one shouldn't make hasty decisions for it may be regretted later on. On my case, it will definitely affect my reputation and may trickle down to my work and my team. It was clear to me that when I asked you that if it weren't for her boss who teased and did the "professing" on the night of the Christmas party, you won't be doing all those things for her... you nodded and said YES.

My friends, specially this really dear gay friend of mine was quite furious of what had happened. I can feel his wrath even we conversed over IM. He wanted me to "close" it. By spilling the beans. They seemed not to understand. I do endure the pain. They're concern too I know, but it isn't that easy. They're right, it is I who will solve this.

I just told them I am moving on... he didn't believe me.

I apologized and told them I won't be bothering them anyone about you and expect that I won't mention you in any way. Some agreed, some... well...

I'm just happy and somehow satisfied with the evening. A good end of the month and somehow a little hope or "brightness" on the coming months... well, on on "us" but on how I'll be looking at it...

Self-preservation: protection oneself from harm... naturally or artificially––simplifying it, it's basically for survival.

Colliding Pillars

I am still enduring all the pain and anger. It consumes my energy and my time. I still can’t concentrate most of the time.

I miss talking to you. I miss having you around specially on these cases. I am looking for someone who would help me sort things out and straighten my thoughts.

I do indeed miss you.

I miss my friend.

I thought not telling you would save our friendship. But now I still had to avoid you and the girl. I hurts a lot. As much as I don’t want to be involved but it’s so hard to avoid seeing or even hearing things about you two.

I have to bear all the pain.

Restraining myself somehow succeeded in a couple of weeks. I am caught between work and personal feelings. I wish that the logical reasons are still powerful than the emotional one. But I am afraid that I won’t be sorting it out the “right” way. But one thing is for sure… I HATE her. Primarily because she’s putting my team in a bad light. I am seeing her real attitude. How she can be a player in all sorts of way. And secondly, of all people she’s with you.

It’s hard on me because you are my friend and you seemed not to see what we are seeing. I am caught in between… to tell you or not. Because you might be jaded by her already. And that you would take it against me. You’ll think I am jealous… yes I am. But I had to accept that you are with her and not with me. But…

Who would shed some light now?

I can’t even bear looking at you in fear that you might caught me because you see through me. You’ve seen me happy, mad and disappointed. I had to steal glances just to look at you. I know you were looking but I had to resist looking back.

Do you feel guilty? I don’t know. If you were, I wish just for once… you initiate the invitation. I want to talk. But I don’t want it to be coming from me… again.

Keeping It Steady

It's 3AM.

Went to the gym.

I had my nap hoping to recharge a bit.

And here I am staring at my monitor.

Yesterday was shaky, the other day was worse. It was work... or was I taking the situation and certain people "personally"? As far as I know, some people "close" to you are really unreasonable and I'm sorry (for using the term) plain stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

STUPID.

If there was an instance in your life you said, that "emotionally unstable" stage of yours, that time I remember you telling me that even a woman will not be spared from your wrath. Yesterday, I know I am capable to kill.

I wasn't joking when I texted you.

I hated when you seemed playing me around on SMS. It gives me that impression that you are NOT paying attention nor taking me seriously.

I am NOT her. Take note of that.

I miss you for all of what you are doing... and despite of what she is doing... in spite of what's happening.

I miss talking to you... and you know that. I miss you as a friend... my friend.

Someone has to keep me AWAY from her or anyone in relation to her (even you*). I may speak of something or worst, do something I might regret doing for the rest of my life. I have never been in this rage as far as I know. And I don't know to what extend I am capable of doing harm to others.

For all you know I may have the ability to raise hell on earth.

...

... and I am dead serious about it.

(*one of those last persons I don't want to be hurt or know being hurt)

Hello and Goodbye

My first letter and entry for the year... and you read it right from the title. I am saying goodbye...

After much thought and talks to my dear friends... it came to me tonight that my suffering has to end NOW. I have assumed to much and created my own fairy tale with the hopes that you ARE my knight in shining armor that would take me by your arms kind of thing...

But from the start I am not a princess sleeping that awaits your kiss, nor a trapped one waiting for your rescue. And not even a damsel in distress. I am an independent woman, plain and simple. Might be mudded at times but still I grew up cleaning my own mess.

The time knowing you was perhaps really heavenly. I’m glad it happened. And hoping it would preserve that way. So I had to stop before it became tainted with jealousy and envy.

Most are aware of Eunice... I know you are aware of how special you are to me. Perhaps, despite what you claim that she’s not your type, and that perhaps you are being nice, I can’t help it but think that you do with all the gestures you are doing for her.

Knowledge they say is power. But knowing what is happening between you two, weakens me inside... killing me. That’s why I am doing this. I have to save myself.

I may sound giving you up. But come to think of it, did I have you in the first place? I thought hanging there inducing all the pain may pay off. But the suffering isn’t worth it. Yes! I just said it and admitted it...

It’s NOT worth it.

I have a life before you came. Boring as it was, I’d rather go back to it than be miserable in the hopes of nothingness. I thought it would be brighter and lovelier when you are with me. But fate has it’s way of toying me around though she also made me realize that dreaming and hoping is too much.

I hated Eunice for expecting too much from you. She should have enjoyed every moment you spend with her because that could have been my time. I am hating her. I hated myself for being all so nice. But all has it’s limits. I will not be her bridge nor yours. I had to be selfish.

Perhaps I should thank her for coming in, as one of my dear friend told me. Because she was the instrument showing me that you are no different from just being a friend. From Jose, you are a jerk. But until now I am still defending you to them... that you are not what they think.

Maybe I did love you. Maybe I am still now. I don’t know really. All I know is that I like you more than a friend and that there was a time I wanted to take you in my arms and hug you till the world ends. Well, until now I still do. I’d be a hypocrite if I deny that I’d push you away if you come to me now... I’d be called stupid by my friends if I do that. But you won’t come to me, that’s for sure.

You were my inspiration then. The very reason for me having that stupid smile. And a good reason to get up, work and be online to chat with you. And with the hope that at the end of the day, we’ll see each other and have a beer or two. But that was then. Now it’s not.

True or not, you are just being nice. And to that, I thank you. You are still a gentleman, a man of your word, a dedicated employee, a responsible son and uncle... a reliable friend.

And those I want to keep.