Self-preservation

Fucked up and confused, I still continue working and living of course. Tried hard even if it looks like a "routinary" life... I look forward and move on.

Moving on... does it mean closure?

We finally met up and talked personally. I still have not courage of professing the feelings I have for you but I know you know. We've been honest to each other as far as I know but I just can't spill the beans why I am hating Eunice personally and professionally. I came to see you not to confront but to comfort myself. I missed talking to you, being with you on "just nothing" occasions. I felt that she has taken you away from me. You know I am jealous. I may be joking it over our IM messages... all jokes are half-meant.

Now, we met up when she's out of the country...

I asked you over YM, over the phone and now upfront... if you're together. You said NO and have no plans of getting committed. I am confused that if you're not and have no plans to then why waste your time and energy?

There's no one else.

Huh?

Quite long conversation... you knew I hated her. From her acting as damsel in distress, from treating you as her driver (which you are letting him) and her work attitude. (I hate her most on the latter one) When I asked again if you like her you said "Ok lang"... such an overused word.

I have this mixed feelings that I understood you. But a part of me is still confused. But then again, you're a man and you are you somehow. I just wanted you to be careful and made you wonder why I am that concern? It's was the door that may be my chance to speak up... All was able to say was that I'm your friend, that's why.

I am such a loser...

Why am I having this reaction when at times I wanted to tell you how much I... sigh.

Thinking it over, it's the same reason as yours. one shouldn't make hasty decisions for it may be regretted later on. On my case, it will definitely affect my reputation and may trickle down to my work and my team. It was clear to me that when I asked you that if it weren't for her boss who teased and did the "professing" on the night of the Christmas party, you won't be doing all those things for her... you nodded and said YES.

My friends, specially this really dear gay friend of mine was quite furious of what had happened. I can feel his wrath even we conversed over IM. He wanted me to "close" it. By spilling the beans. They seemed not to understand. I do endure the pain. They're concern too I know, but it isn't that easy. They're right, it is I who will solve this.

I just told them I am moving on... he didn't believe me.

I apologized and told them I won't be bothering them anyone about you and expect that I won't mention you in any way. Some agreed, some... well...

I'm just happy and somehow satisfied with the evening. A good end of the month and somehow a little hope or "brightness" on the coming months... well, on on "us" but on how I'll be looking at it...

Self-preservation: protection oneself from harm... naturally or artificially––simplifying it, it's basically for survival.