Colliding Pillars

I am still enduring all the pain and anger. It consumes my energy and my time. I still can’t concentrate most of the time.

I miss talking to you. I miss having you around specially on these cases. I am looking for someone who would help me sort things out and straighten my thoughts.

I do indeed miss you.

I miss my friend.

I thought not telling you would save our friendship. But now I still had to avoid you and the girl. I hurts a lot. As much as I don’t want to be involved but it’s so hard to avoid seeing or even hearing things about you two.

I have to bear all the pain.

Restraining myself somehow succeeded in a couple of weeks. I am caught between work and personal feelings. I wish that the logical reasons are still powerful than the emotional one. But I am afraid that I won’t be sorting it out the “right” way. But one thing is for sure… I HATE her. Primarily because she’s putting my team in a bad light. I am seeing her real attitude. How she can be a player in all sorts of way. And secondly, of all people she’s with you.

It’s hard on me because you are my friend and you seemed not to see what we are seeing. I am caught in between… to tell you or not. Because you might be jaded by her already. And that you would take it against me. You’ll think I am jealous… yes I am. But I had to accept that you are with her and not with me. But…

Who would shed some light now?

I can’t even bear looking at you in fear that you might caught me because you see through me. You’ve seen me happy, mad and disappointed. I had to steal glances just to look at you. I know you were looking but I had to resist looking back.

Do you feel guilty? I don’t know. If you were, I wish just for once… you initiate the invitation. I want to talk. But I don’t want it to be coming from me… again.