Let Me Be

Absences makes the heart go founder…

Could that be true? I guess. It was for me, to you waaaaayyyy back then. Thank God I am too busy to think of it or of you these days plus your office creates issues (again) against my team.

Honestly, my doubts to you seemed to spread like a disease these days. I can’t help and defend you from it… you are part of that office setup.

I don’t YM you nor SMS you. I gave up asking you for a cup of coffee or if you’d like to join me for dinner. I don’t ever consider ANY of our going out a date. Just to clear things out. You treated me once, I treated you more often just to say how grateful I am and I believe it's a way of returning back the favor of eating your time and listening to my rants and raves.

It is unavoidable not to see you at least once a week. As mentioned before, you’re part of the client’s office we are serving. Tension is created between that office and my team. Lesser get together after office and if no more beso greetings, its lessen.

I avoided greeting you and even eye contacts with you as much as possible.

Weird as it may seem. It’s a way for me to move on.

Then you SMS me. Asking for my teammate's number. Are you making me jealous again? Well, it doesn’t work anymore.

And then, you YM-ed me, asking if our phone line is down… and concern if we (the team) are down with some virus.

There was very little “kilig” and more of “inis”… am I always the keeper when all are down or unable to reach?

I am tired of being the third wheel!

I still expect from you... and yet I am the one getting hurt.

If you miss me or want to have a cup of coffee or something, just say so. I know, you have a car now... I have to admit that I felt bad when I was the last to know that you already accomplished one of your goals. I'm just disappointed that you never offered me a lift when I was a little drunk from that "salubong" we did for our friend's birthday.

Let me be... don't talk to me if you must but don't let me catch you glancing at me and yet you don't speak up.

Ranting...

I am staring in my computer screen… with a smoke in my other hand. My second stick. I still have sooo much in mind to tell you and yet, I can’t transcribe it into words.

Questions I’ve been asking before again and again and again… why do I always [try to] run to you?

We are being ridicule again. Not me directly but my team. And it is not alien to you.

I am affected. I should care anymore. I should even think of you as an “enemy” for you are part of the other side. But still here I am talking to you in a blog that you never really read or even know existed.

I tried to run to your rescue. Rescue in the sense of not directly solving the problem. I just want to vent, let it out… and just be with you? As if it would remove all this anger in me.

As if… well… temporarily.

It’s the same old litany. And I am sick and tired… perhaps you too…

Third stick…

… that’s why you are making excuses?

Here I go again. Being suspicious and all… but still I chase after you in the hopes that we can still go out like before?

I am such a fool.

You Did What…?

You just winked!

Not just now but the past meetings we had after that YM conversation with you…

I’m denying it back then, thinking I might be hallucinating or overacting, but for the 3rd time? My goodness…

Eiw!

I was grossed out instead of getting, how do you call that? That nice shivers… 'yung kilig factor... basta…

What is the matter with you? Are you tripping out?! Please not on me naman.

I Speak, Don't Take It Against Me

I am in no regrets on what I said in out YM conversation. I am still stand for our friend, myself and my team. We should not be treated that way. We deserve the respect we earn. Yes, you are right. We can not please everyone... but we have been playing along on someone's favor. I guess it's about time we make some changes... we make a stand.

You will not favor what i think, I've said and the upcoming moves and decision. It's our choice... my choice as well. I never speak of anyone else. I feel bad when you said that to me. I thought you knew me. I thought I knew you already. I was wrong.

With all respect, I thank you for your extra effort in going to their house to ask, to know and hear it than base on what others say or hear. My team and I are grateful for that.

Expect perhaps more wars that are cowardly brought up behind our backs...
Expect changes... drastic changes that will trigger more battles...
Expect me to be colder to everyone... even you.

Well, you won't notice it. It may be for your advantage.

Choices

Again, bumpy rides seemed to occur on unwarned instances.

A common friend of ours really called me tanga for letting myself get into that deep affection to you despite the fact that I won't be getting anything from you. But we're good. I understand her and she's a concern friend.

My book project... well, I lost interest. Some people really don't understand and they are just inconsiderate. I am dragging my ass in finishing it. But the excitement and passion for it died.

My old phone is missing... some generous amount of money from my mom's wallet is missing too when I left it in my room.

Am I careless? God forbid I am losing my mind :(

And now, most of your people is treating our friend, my boss and my team like machines AGAIN for the nth time. the directive is not on me but of course it affects everyone in my team. You've been int he same scenario too... almost... but still it's not right. It was never right.

You had a feeling that something is wrong. You YM-ed me few days back, you greeted first yesterday... and you invited us for a drink. I've been making choices... good or bad... tonight options were laid out in front of me...

I chose to be with my team than to be with you.