Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Out of the System

They said that one should take the chance s/he is drunk in speaking out or professing the truth. So they can have the famous excuse... "Blame it on the booze!".

We all got drunk somehow a few hours ago. It's proven that it better when you don't plan at all that things would just happen. And I guess it did tonight...

I just told you I kinda like you...

Perhaps it's even underestimated because of the word "kinda".

I'm not drunk when I typed every word of it... but I will admit that I am shaking before and even after telling the truth. I had the door of opportunity opened once more when you asked, why am I affected so much of the situation. I had to grab it now or forever hold my peace...

Somehow your reaction is as I expected it. I had to thank you that it isn't the worst scenario that I imagine you'd be responding at it. I find it sort of cowardly saying it to you over YM. But I don't think I'd have the courage to tell you personally. All that matters now is that I finally said it and that you knew now. You are still the person I knew you are, the very same reason perhaps why I liked you. Thanks for being cool about it. you even sort of joked about it, but I won't take it against you. You said I was too serious. Well, I am from the start. Yet you made me crack in every moment that I can recall of.

It's out. I said it. It's done and over with. Time to move on... hopefully.

And yet, I still felt that I am on the losing end. Again, as I've stated in my previous entry... she might have been gone (almost) but I knew she took something. She did.

She almost had you... she did had you.

I've said it. I've professed if you may say so.

It's over.


A couple of double stuffed Oreo (actually, I've finished almost half of the pack already) dunked in a cup of cold milk is all I have with me... right now.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Doubtful

We've been both busy. I thank God for that. I am too busy to think about you and how I miss you. But when I stop and take a break, thought of you floods me.

I am still not over you, that's for sure.

We've talked about Eunice. I am still doubtful of what really happened between you and her. And it's undeniable that anyone who hears about either of you will definitely associate the other. last night, I found out that she was forced to resign till the end of the month. She counteract it by resigning immediately, effective by next week. I texted you immediately to ask if you knew about it.

True enough, you knew. She told you... YM-ed you as you told me. Though unlike anyone I knew that seeked advise from you on such cases, you share your profoundness. You told me this time you didn't because you're not drunk.

She still told you. Of all other people your office, she still told you.

You said there was no closure between you, nor any decent talk about what became the two of you, up until now. Will you be asking her for a talk before she finally leaves?

I am still jealous. Even though all knew she already has someone. I don't know why I am still feeling this way. And I won't deny it either... that I am glad she'd be gone in a few days. The bitch in me is smiling and has tasted revenge in a way. But apart of me thought of you too. That's why I texted you immediately. To check if you knew.

It's not worth it... my friends told me, and I'm telling myself as well. And yet, here I am blogging... talking to you as if you'd be reading this.

Why do I feel that I am the winner and yet I feel I am still a loser? She’s leaving but I have a feeling she’s to take something with her…

What really happened between you two? Was there really a bracelet? Why did you give something to her if she’s just a girl and not that special? Why would anyone bother to waste time on someone who is just… there?

I still can’t accept your reasoning that “there isn’t anyone else” or “it’s just nothing… it so happened she’s there”…

Why can’t you just tell me the truth… so I’d finally end whatever this is and move on?!

Please…

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Intervention

Such word has been used much lately. From the bet I made with my colleagues to now the canceled flight that we're suppose to take.

As of this morning, when all my stuff and the stocks we're suppose to bring are pack since yesterday morning, we all received an email from you boss canceling the trip due to the risk that the next team might encounter.

I was partly relieved and honestly, part of me too was disappointed. But to what reason I am disappointed? I can't exactly determine :(

Was it the fact that I lost a chance to be in a place I only see in pictures and heard from friends who've been there?

Or was it the chance that we could be together in a foreign land where you've been too? The place where you were, when I realized... oh... just nevermind...

I guess God made a way to lessen a much disappointment that I will be dealing with if the trip was pursued and just a trip... no moments between us...

Perhaps that was it...

Friday, May 4, 2007

Kick off

It's been awhile since I spilled my guts out here because of you. I guess we are both busy with work. Between my last entry and now, we had exchanged few more text messages, YM-ed each other and met a couple of times for dinner and some booze. But still the idea that you are dropping on me that we are better off as friends wasn't absorb by my system come until our last dinner.

I think you got angry on me or something. For insisting perhaps that you and Eunice had some "moments" based from the stories she's divulging to everyone. I don't believe her from the perception of how I knew you. But I was bothered. I don't know of that perception of you is just what I want you to be and I just made it up. Plus the idea that since you guys are being teased, i tried to go away... well, most of the time.

I am sorry if I've maddened you. I felt it when you said you had to go. But I appreciated it when you joined me when you said you had somewhere to go to later that night. Perhaps with your reaction there was my wake up call. Since then, I really, REALLY lessen my kakulitan to you. Lesser text messages, lesser YM. Work and personal projects made me busy too. Those helped me by keeping my hands and mind occupied. Made me think less of you.

Perhaps through I should let you know that I kind of made closure to Eunice. Well, in some way. I had to be nice to her because of work but doing that it was somehow gave me some peace. There might be times that I still find her a fake and an opportunist (but most of the time still a duh). But I am nice to her in a very limited manner. She might have moved on to her advantage by having the guy for her. I just wish it would be the same for us too.

It feels like longer than just weeks since we last spoke to each other. Yesterday, I wasn't able to resist greeting you and giving you a beso when we were in your office. Specially that I found out that we are flying together for Thailand on Sunday.

God perhaps is testing me. Through our common friends that are teasing me and the flight we are to take. I made a bet, that if you for God's will and with no human intervention took or at least was given the seat beside me, I will treat the group when I get back. For as far as I know you, you will ask to be seated next to Myles for some discussion and brainstorming.

I am having mixed emotions now. For the trip, what's install for us, both personal and the business purpose of that trip... and what's waiting for me there in Thailand for the few hours that I am to stay there.

God might have been intervening lately. Aside from the workloads HE has given me, I met a new guy that seemed to be a good prospect. Though there wasn't any follow through and found some complications, at least I have other diversions as well.

Am I indeed moving on? I hope so. I hope this month will be the start of me getting on my footing and moving to the direction that favors me, that path where there is some happiness install for me.

And So It Happens...