Sunday, January 14, 2007

Hello and Goodbye

My first letter and entry for the year... and you read it right from the title. I am saying goodbye...

After much thought and talks to my dear friends... it came to me tonight that my suffering has to end NOW. I have assumed to much and created my own fairy tale with the hopes that you ARE my knight in shining armor that would take me by your arms kind of thing...

But from the start I am not a princess sleeping that awaits your kiss, nor a trapped one waiting for your rescue. And not even a damsel in distress. I am an independent woman, plain and simple. Might be mudded at times but still I grew up cleaning my own mess.

The time knowing you was perhaps really heavenly. I’m glad it happened. And hoping it would preserve that way. So I had to stop before it became tainted with jealousy and envy.

Most are aware of Eunice... I know you are aware of how special you are to me. Perhaps, despite what you claim that she’s not your type, and that perhaps you are being nice, I can’t help it but think that you do with all the gestures you are doing for her.

Knowledge they say is power. But knowing what is happening between you two, weakens me inside... killing me. That’s why I am doing this. I have to save myself.

I may sound giving you up. But come to think of it, did I have you in the first place? I thought hanging there inducing all the pain may pay off. But the suffering isn’t worth it. Yes! I just said it and admitted it...

It’s NOT worth it.

I have a life before you came. Boring as it was, I’d rather go back to it than be miserable in the hopes of nothingness. I thought it would be brighter and lovelier when you are with me. But fate has it’s way of toying me around though she also made me realize that dreaming and hoping is too much.

I hated Eunice for expecting too much from you. She should have enjoyed every moment you spend with her because that could have been my time. I am hating her. I hated myself for being all so nice. But all has it’s limits. I will not be her bridge nor yours. I had to be selfish.

Perhaps I should thank her for coming in, as one of my dear friend told me. Because she was the instrument showing me that you are no different from just being a friend. From Jose, you are a jerk. But until now I am still defending you to them... that you are not what they think.

Maybe I did love you. Maybe I am still now. I don’t know really. All I know is that I like you more than a friend and that there was a time I wanted to take you in my arms and hug you till the world ends. Well, until now I still do. I’d be a hypocrite if I deny that I’d push you away if you come to me now... I’d be called stupid by my friends if I do that. But you won’t come to me, that’s for sure.

You were my inspiration then. The very reason for me having that stupid smile. And a good reason to get up, work and be online to chat with you. And with the hope that at the end of the day, we’ll see each other and have a beer or two. But that was then. Now it’s not.

True or not, you are just being nice. And to that, I thank you. You are still a gentleman, a man of your word, a dedicated employee, a responsible son and uncle... a reliable friend.

And those I want to keep.

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