Together... as friends or beyond that?

Despite the fact that I have (or rather SHOULD HAVE) accepted that we are but "friends", I can't deny that I would always prefer to be with you. Well, my friends are for sure irritated that there isn't a day that I wouldn't mention your name. And in our office, it seemed that everyone knows that it's you that I am "fond" of and they make it a joke every time mention Eunice as your girlfriend. It's just a sign that i haven't found another man. God forbides that the next man wont be named like yours!

I am still dreaming of the time that you will be choosing me. Well, that's for a fact that I am a hopeless romantic that's why there as times I still "dream" of romantic situations. But I always wake myself up on the reality side... that (for now, perhaps) we can only be friends.

You said it yourself... it's better to have female friends for now. You have plans. You have personal deadlines. You share them to me somehow. I am thankful for that. Thankful that you consider me as a friend.

I think you knew me well enough. Or even better than I know myself. Perhaps I like you because I see myself in you (or what I wanted myself to be) and of course the ideal man... well, I think you are an ideal man... I think I've mentioned points in my previous letters to you.

I'm just happy whenever I am with you. Recently, we met up and hang out. There's still some "dead" air at times. We both knew that something is running in each heads. I honestly could ask you that question or even tell you how I really feel about you. I know you know. It's just that... it might give me peace if you knew, from me? But there might be a chance that I will be loosing you... these unplanned meetings, these hangouts...

For the 2nd time (and chance) I tried to clear from your end about Eunice. It's much clearer now. But there's still some unexplained situations and actions. I tried to understand it from your perception but I couldn't. I guess, I am that jealous. And I profess my jealousy as a joke to you.

All jokes are half-meant, by the way...

Thank you for always being there for me. For always being the "troubleshooter". Whoever the girl you'll be choosing would be such a lucky one. I just wish you deserve her and she won't be of any high maintenance or would give you trouble. You have enough problems to deal with.

I don't know if I am exaggerating or imagining it. But be it a dream, imagination or simply an aspiration... the hugs, the hand squeeze and those pecks...

If it wouldn't be you, I pray that God would just remove you from my memory. Let there be a new man who deserves me more than you or let me just wake up and the feeling is gone...

...that we are just friends... real friends.

Disposition

My female friend, who's single too yet much adventurous than me just sent me this message over SMS...

"Do you know that place between sleep & awake? That place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, that's where I'll be waiting..."

Tinkerbell said that to Peter Pan in the movie...

... perhaps it applies to me... to you...

I still can't let you go despite all that I am hearing, learning... and I am suffering.

Why am I still holding on when I have no assurance of gaining anything?

Mixed Emotions

I should have just shout my mouth... or rather, didn't bother asking you over SMS.

I am hurt as always... or was I?

I really don't know how I am feeling now or for tomorrow or the next coming days.

"Your mind doesn't said so?"
"You are not together but you're giving her the effort and attention?"

What the f...?!?

Hoping

Talking to Ernie made me realize a reason why I liked you more than any other men as of the moment…

You might be boastful at times, but it’s how you talk to me and talk me out of my over reacting situations that perhaps made me not get over you. That is definitely what I am missing right now. The time that we spent just talking… and lately, we are busy with work… and you with the girl that I am still trying to understand why you’re spending time with her when you tell me she isn’t your time and you don’t even like her face?

Still after that recent conversation we had… after I have told you how I despise the Eunice… how after we said goodbye, took a cab and texted everyone who’s so concern that it isn’t worth it… I’m still here, with hope that you’ll be mine or at least talk to me again last night after Pancho’s despedida party.

If I did tell you how I am feeling and being this gaga over you, will I get the peace of mine I deserve and definitely move on?

I need to be assured… but how?

All has always been a risk.

Denial

Why can’t I let you go? I have told myself over and over again––we can’t be together. No “we”. But you-me separately.

Most of my friends have been telling me that also.

Move on.
Let him go.
He isn’t good for you.
You deserve better than him.
He isn’t worth it.

My VBF hated you so much. Still defending you which makes him hated you much more. It isn’t your fault. It unfair that he judged you that quick when you have no idea why you are being hated.

You are out of this craziness I am in.

Craziness… why am I that into you? WHY? Have I really fallen in love with you?

I have to cut off everything that connects to you. I shouldn’t be concern if you are ok or where the hell you will be in the next 5 minutes. I shouldn’t be affected if you and the girl are together or if she makes you her personal driver.

Just awhile ago, I wanted to text you. I had to restrain myself. We just saw each other in your office a few hours ago. I even avoided kissing you like the usual greeting that we do before. But when I was about to go, our paths crossed and there…

And I live a few steps away from your office… literally.

I miss you so much.

I pretend that I am ok but I am forcing myself to move on and look away. Ignoring you seemed not to work. You knew… why can’t you just open it up and ask me? Ask me, then I will answer… hopefully.

How can I move on? My VBF is right… I really can’t get over you.

Self-preservation

Fucked up and confused, I still continue working and living of course. Tried hard even if it looks like a "routinary" life... I look forward and move on.

Moving on... does it mean closure?

We finally met up and talked personally. I still have not courage of professing the feelings I have for you but I know you know. We've been honest to each other as far as I know but I just can't spill the beans why I am hating Eunice personally and professionally. I came to see you not to confront but to comfort myself. I missed talking to you, being with you on "just nothing" occasions. I felt that she has taken you away from me. You know I am jealous. I may be joking it over our IM messages... all jokes are half-meant.

Now, we met up when she's out of the country...

I asked you over YM, over the phone and now upfront... if you're together. You said NO and have no plans of getting committed. I am confused that if you're not and have no plans to then why waste your time and energy?

There's no one else.

Huh?

Quite long conversation... you knew I hated her. From her acting as damsel in distress, from treating you as her driver (which you are letting him) and her work attitude. (I hate her most on the latter one) When I asked again if you like her you said "Ok lang"... such an overused word.

I have this mixed feelings that I understood you. But a part of me is still confused. But then again, you're a man and you are you somehow. I just wanted you to be careful and made you wonder why I am that concern? It's was the door that may be my chance to speak up... All was able to say was that I'm your friend, that's why.

I am such a loser...

Why am I having this reaction when at times I wanted to tell you how much I... sigh.

Thinking it over, it's the same reason as yours. one shouldn't make hasty decisions for it may be regretted later on. On my case, it will definitely affect my reputation and may trickle down to my work and my team. It was clear to me that when I asked you that if it weren't for her boss who teased and did the "professing" on the night of the Christmas party, you won't be doing all those things for her... you nodded and said YES.

My friends, specially this really dear gay friend of mine was quite furious of what had happened. I can feel his wrath even we conversed over IM. He wanted me to "close" it. By spilling the beans. They seemed not to understand. I do endure the pain. They're concern too I know, but it isn't that easy. They're right, it is I who will solve this.

I just told them I am moving on... he didn't believe me.

I apologized and told them I won't be bothering them anyone about you and expect that I won't mention you in any way. Some agreed, some... well...

I'm just happy and somehow satisfied with the evening. A good end of the month and somehow a little hope or "brightness" on the coming months... well, on on "us" but on how I'll be looking at it...

Self-preservation: protection oneself from harm... naturally or artificially––simplifying it, it's basically for survival.